What About the Birth Mother?

Caring for a birth mother after the adoption

Saying thank you

All of our children are adopted. We owe a debt of gratitude to their birth mothers. In fact, with all our hearts we express the deepest kind of thanks to them, even though we don’t know them and have no contact with them. Still in our hearts and prayers we say “Thank you!”
We have discovered there is more than one way to say thank you for such an overwhelmingly wonderful gift. This opportunity came to us years ago when we had the chance to help a young unwed mother who had placed her baby for adoption.

She was a beautiful young woman. Unsure of herself, but believed that she had done the right thing for her baby. We came to know her when a relative in another state had invited her into their home to live until the baby had been placed and she could return home. Home, at that point, was not with her own parents. It was with roommates in a college setting near us. Still she needed a lot of emotional support. That’s where we entered the picture.

Adjusting after adoption
Our relative asked if we would give her the support she so desperately needed. She needed to recover from the loss of her baby. Even though a birth mother knows that giving her baby to another family for safe keeping is the right thing to do, she still suffers and experiences sorrow and second thoughts. In those days, if a girl had a baby and placed it in another home, she kept it a secret. It isn’t something she would talk about to roommates, or anyone else, unless they were involved in her life previous to the baby’s birth. We were in the small circle of confidants because of her living with our relatives, whom she knew loved her and had her best interest at heart.

We invited her into our home many times. She would have dinner with us, she would play with our children, she would cry on our shoulders, and we would pray with her. She was hurting. It was good for her to see how happy our children were, since they, too, were adopted. It was reassuring to her—a small witness that she had done the right thing for her baby. She desperately needed our love and understanding, without any condemnation or judgement. That wasn’t hard because we could see she was an outstanding young woman who was seeking to bring her life into a better path.

Moving on with her life
After a few months she felt comfortable dating. At a church event she met a fine young man and they began dating. It didn’t take long for them to be exclusive dating partners. She fell in love, head over heels, and so did he. Before long they were talking about getting married. But she was troubled. Her greatest concern was that he would reject her if he knew her past. Surely, he would not want her if he knew, was her thinking. She just couldn’t tell him, but felt in her heart that he should know.

“How do I tell him?” she asked us. “I love him and I will lose him if he knows. What should I do?” She didn’t want him to find out from someone else. She knew this would be a true test of his love for her. Was he the forgiving type? Would he judge her? Would this end their relationship? These questions plagued her.

We knew she needed God’s help in this. So, once again, we prayed with her and she prayed on her own many times to know how to tell him. Finally, she did.

Her worst fears were realized. He was shocked and backed off . He said, “I need some time to think.” He didn’t call her for several days. She was devastated. She spent a lot of time with us during that time. Finally, he called her and asked if they could talk. She agreed, fearing he was going to tell her he was moving on without her.

Remember, we said this was a “fine young man”? Well, indeed he was. After taking that time away to think about her and offer his own prayers to be able to understand, his heart was softened. With tears in his eyes, he told her, “I love you. This will not stand in the way of our love. I want to marry you.”

She was so relieved and happy. And we were so grateful she had found such a loving, forgiving, and understanding man to marry.

There is a future
They have been married for several years now. We have kept close to them and rejoiced in the birth of each of their children. They have a happy, fulfilling marriage. It’s not without it’s problems, like all marriages, but they are devoted to each other and are now enjoying the birth of grandchildren. Though she has had bouts with depression through the years, her husband has been helpful and understanding. She could not have married a better man. And he got a prize, too, when he married her.

Every story will have it’s own twist. The important thing to know is that these precious birth mothers are in God’s loving care. He will help them and will bless them in their journey to have a rich and fulfilling life. And their adopted babies will one day praise them for giving them a good life that they would not have otherwise had.