I’m not a birth mom, but I’ve known lots of birth mothers and have been blessed to see their hearts when they’ve opened up tender feelings to me. I’m an adoptive mom, so I see life from my perspective. It gives me great joy and a sense of responsibility that some very dear birth mothers have shared their innermost feelings with me. One recurring thought that sits heavily with most birth mothers is this: “We don’t mean to bug you.”
Consider this thought: Birth parents undoubtedly carry concern, worry, and hopes when thinking of the children they placed. Sure, many felt inspired, directed, and very much at peace when they chose you to be the forever parents for their child. But that doesn’t take away the thoughts and concerns that hop through their minds on any given day—especially when milestones might be taking place. Is he climbing onto the open dishwasher door to help his mommy unload? Is she starting school today?Is he dating already? Does she have her driver’s permit? It’s not that birth parents don’t trust us—they certainly do! But when distanced from their child, concern is intensified.
So if you’re in an adoption that has any degree of openness, consider anticipating concerns that may pop up in your child’s birth mother’s mind. Then send pictures, notes, little videos, school papers, and more to ease her concerns before they even emerge. If your child’s birth mother sends you a Facebook message or an email just touching base, consider that she may be reaching out to hear a few sentences about how her child is doing. When she asks specific questions, instead of being annoyed by her persistency in communication, realize that she really doesn’t want to “bug” you, but she may be having a particularly difficult day. Maybe just a quick answer to her question or a full paragraph and photo could go a long way to easing her heartache or her concern.
If you’re in a closed adoption, consider creating a box of memorabilia to present to your child’s birth mother when reunification takes place. Include school papers, photos, little notes you write to her through the years, and even a list of baby’s first words. Even if it’s 30 years later, it will bring solace and happiness to your child’s loving birth mother!
Remember that birth mothers “don’t mean to bug you” but just sometimes need a little reassurance and love.