Most of us have had this moment: you’ve been elbow-deep in a crisis, it could be anything, a kid has been sick for a long time, your adoption paperwork needs to be re-processed, or you’re sick yourself and you have to keep plodding through life doing the best you can. Whatever the cause, the result is the same. You are around other people and they can see the struggle is real. Then, a person you know, a person you trust, comes to you and asks this question with a sincerity that would break your heart if it wasn’t already broken: “How can I help?”
It is such an easy question to ask when we can see a fellow human clearly in need of something but we can’t identify what that something is. For a long time, I just muscled through and said something along the lines of, “Oh we’re good,” and moved along as if someone hadn’t just offered me a lifeline—as if they hadn’t just offered to help me land when my parachute hadn’t deployed properly—as if someone else didn’t just offer the thing I needed but was too stubborn or ashamed to ask, “Help.”
What to Ask For
I finally reached my breaking point when my pride was nonexistent and my shame was so vast I couldn’t possibly care about adding more. Don’t be like me. When someone offers you a hand to pull you off the edge of the cliff, take it gratefully, and don’t worry about the fact they got dirty helping you. I’ve made a list of things you can offer people in your life you trust. It’s not an exhaustive list, nor do I know your circumstances, but I think it can get you on the right track.
Meals
“Could you please bring a meal that my kids will eat that doesn’t require cleanup on my part?” Clarify what your kids will and will not eat. While many people would gladly bring you a meal, it’s only helpful if the people in your home will eat it and if it doesn’t make more work for you. It’s not selfish to ask, “Could you bring chicken nuggets from McDonalds? They’re the only thing my autistic daughter will eat, and my son with sensory issues tolerates those better than store-bought.”
Cleaning
“Could you provide a cleaning service? We’ve gotten behind since we have had to spend so much time taking our childto different doctors/therapists/specialists; cleaning our house would be a huge help.” This can be a huge thing to ask for, but many churches have groups of people positively delighted to be able to help in some way. Friends from my church arranged for a few groups of people to come and turn an insurmountable amount of work into a day of camaraderie that got me a clean house and laundry while I was walking through one of the most painful seasons of my life.
Respite
“Would you be willing to sit at my house and stay with the kids while I take a nap?” If you have a foster placement you may not be able to use just any babysitter, but if you’re in the house it’s ok to hand off the reigns to a person you trust while your kids watch a movie and you get much-needed sleep.
Friendship
“Would you come sit at my house with me so I don’t feel outnumbered and overwhelmed?” I asked this of several friends while we were fostering. Sometimes just the presence of another adult was such a huge help. They didn’t have to do anything. We didn’t even always talk. Just knowing I wasn’t all alone was huge for me.
Chores
“Could you help me fold laundry and put it away?” Laundry is a particular problem in our house. Between mental health and the volume of clothes these people go through in a day, it’s an ongoing issue. Having a friend come and chat with me while we folded laundry and put it away got me through some of our toughest months.
Things That Are Harder To Ask For
- Could you take my car to get inspected?
- Can you arrange for someone to mow my lawn?
- Could you have someone take my dog to get its vaccinations?
- Could you help me arrange home repair?
- Could you help me with groceries? (some churches have funds specifically for this)
- Could you help with our bills? (churches often have funds to assist)
While you’re in the middle of a crisis, it can feel too hard to respond. You might not want to bother people or feel ashamed or embarrassed that you need help in the first place. If people are asking you, sincerely asking, they want to help and they aren’t concerned about you asking too much. They are willing participants in your struggle, not victims. Trust people to say they aren’t able or comfortable doing what you are asking.
Reach Out
Sometimes life is simply too hard to go at it all alone. We might want to be self-sufficient, but we don’t always have the capacity. Sometimes we feel as if we are failing if we can’t do it all. It’s a lie. We are built for community. Maybe you don’t have a community, friends, or a church. Reach out to communities online; the compassion of relative strangers has been staggering to me. I’ve watched groups who didn’t know each other change the lives of people with their willingness to help.
Sometimes the life of an adoptive parent can be overwhelming because there is so much unknown. It can feel like you are the only person dealing with what you’re dealing with. I promise you that isn’t as true as you think it is. If someone asks to help, let them.
