Adopting AGAIN was the hardest part of the adoption process for me. Let me tell you why.
In my life, nothing has been as MIRACULOUS and JOYOUS as adoption, so it may surprise you to hear that the hardest part was doing it again. Every time you go through the process of adopting a child, you put your heart on the line. For me, that was the hardest part of adopting again.
Our first adoption was smooth sailing (aside from the typical waves and bumps). Our second adoption was our first personal experience with more turbulent waters (our child’s birth mother decided to parent and 3 weeks later decided to place). It wasn’t until after our second adoption that we had our first, second, and third failed placements.
Loss can throw anyone off their groove. Subsequently for me, three losses in a row reopened all of my old infertility wounds, creating new gaping holes in my heart. I felt broken, unwanted, and like an utter failure. This lead me to believe something completely untrue but which I felt at the time: “There is no reason why God (or anyone else) would ever trust me with more children because I SUCK!” It is fair to say that our failed placements rocked my inner world and crushed my self-confidence.
“To gird up my loins and take fresh courage” was the hardest part of my journey through adoption. I will never forget the day I felt God asking me to try to have more children. I wanted more children. But I didn’t know if I could take having my heart broken again. I doubted if I had the strength and endurance to walk this path again. And to be really honest, I didn’t know how to trust God and the path He wanted me to take. I was scared!
I have seen this moment show up in so many different ways in my life and the lives of those close to me. At some point, we all get to stand at the edge of the unknown cliff and make a choice. Are we going to turn around or take the leap of faith?
And every now and again God will ask us to go jump off the same cliff (into the uncertain yet familiar deep waters), and the question posed (with more understanding of what you are getting into) is again, “Will you turn away or take a leap of faith?”
I chose to trust God and follow His guidance, even when all earthly signs along my path told me it was a dead end. As I listened to His voice, He began to tell me what paths to go down and which ones to avoid; when to take to my time and when to get moving. The process of adopting again became an exercise in trusting God and myself each and every time! It became a healing process in which I could release my fears and replace them with faith. Whether you end up with a baby or not, the process itself is revealing. It shows us what we are made of. My loss allowed me to uncover how I really felt about myself. And my journey with God (through the experience of adopting again), showed me I am not broken or unwanted—I am a beloved daughter of the one true King!
Here is a where I want to stand and shoot HALLELUJAH for all the courageous participants of adoption! Everyone comes with a broken heart to adoption, and I marvel that we all come with a willing heart. Hats off to YOU for being courageous when it would have been easier to turn and walk away. Particularly to those who willing choose to do it again and again! God bless you! What a MIRACULOUS and JOYOUS experience it is to choose HOPE and LOVE!