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Adoption Parenting: Grade School Part 3
This information was taken directly from Child Welfare Information Gateway
Contents
Communicating About Adoption
Address Adoption-Related Fears and Fantasies
Children who have experienced the loss of at least one family or home may be fearful of losing another. Fears may take the form of sleeping or eating difficulties, nightmares, separation difficulties, nervousness, and even increased allergies and illnesses. To lessen fears:
- Reassure your child that you intend to be his or her parent forever. Demonstrate this in both words and actions.
- Engage the child in planning future family events (e.g., “Next Thanksgiving, would you like to…?”).
- Purchase a photo album with spaces designated for school photos and memorabilia all the way through high school.
All children fantasize about an alternate family life—a “real” mother who never reprimands, a father who is a famous person. Sometimes adopted school-age children use fantasy to attempt to undo their losses. They may imagine their birth parent returning for them, or the adoption agency calling to report that they mistakenly placed the wrong child. To address fantasies:
- Encourage your child to talk about fantasies and express his or her feelings about adoption.
- Reassure your child that it is normal for adopted children to imagine what their lives might have been like had they not been adopted. Point out that everyone, adopted or not, does this occasionally. (“I wonder what would have happened if I had… [gone to a different college, taken another job, been born into another family].”)
Disciplining Effectively
The purpose of discipline is to teach children acceptable behavior and how to develop their own internal controls. Discipline should take into account your child’s abilities, learning styles, and family history. Many resources are available for helping parents learn and use positive discipline. This section offers a few strategies that may be particularly useful for parents of adopted children.
Establish Routines and Rules
Consistent routines and rules are important for school-age children. They help children learn what to expect, which helps them to feel more secure and confident. Be patient when teaching family rules and routines to your adopted child. Children who were neglected, who had frequent changes in caretakers, or who lived in group settings may need extra time to understand healthy family structure and consistency. They may have to unlearn past patterns as they learn new ones.
Consider your child’s skills and previous experiences when you set rules or decide if a particular activity is allowed. A neglected child often needs more parental supervision than other children of the same age. You may need to protect and supervise as you would a younger child.
Use Rewards and Consequences
Make every effort to recognize and reward good behavior. Praise can go a long way in encouraging yoru child’s positive behavior. Be sure to praise specific behavior (“Great job cleaning your room,” “I appreciate how nicely you shared with your little sister!”) rather than say something general (“You’re a good girl”).
Also help your child understand the consequences of his or her negative behavior. Imposing a consequence or taking away a privilege (not going to the playground or less time for video games) is more effective in teaching better behavior when the child can see a logical connection to his or her actions. If, for example, your child rides his bicycle on a busy street where he has been told not to ride, then a fitting consequence might be no after-school bike riding for the next 3 days.
Neglected children and children with learning delays or prenatal substance abuse effects may need help understanding cause and effect. In some cases, children suffering from prenatal effects may never be able to make a connection between behavior and rewards or consequences.
Consider Time In Rather than Time Out
Many parents like to use time out—placing a child in a safe place to think things over or cool down alone. This time out method, however, is not always appropriate for children who have been maltreated, who have attachment issues, or who were raised in orphanages. The first goal in parenting these children is to help them form healthy attachments. In these cases, it is better to have the child remain close to you until he or she regains enough control to return to the previous activity (time in). This is useful because it avoids isolating children from their parents, playmates, and the rest of the family.
Improving Your Child’s School Experience
Being adopted can affect your child’s school experience. Peers may pose innocent questions that cause hurt feelings, or they may tease an adopted child about being adopted. Some classroom assignments may create tension, self-consciousness, or sadness. Children with learning disabilities may struggle to complete assignments, while children with emotional or behavioral problems may find it challenging to succeed socially or academically in school.
While you cannot protect your child from all of these possibilities, you can take a proactive approach to ensure that adoption is taught and respected as a valid way to create a family. Following are some actions you can take to improve your child’s school experience.
Note: This section focuses specifically on adoption and school. Other delays and disabilities that may affect adopted children are not covered here, although they may also affect your child’s school experience. These might include sensory integration difficulties, lack of trust, difficulty with transitions, and issues with self-esteem. For more information on other issues that may affect children who have been abused or neglected, see the following areas of the Information Gateway website:
Another resources you may find helpful: 7 Core Issues in Adoption (Kaplan-Roxia and Silverstein)
Talk to Teachers About Adoption
Rase the topic of adoption at school:
- Ask your child’s teacher(s) to include adoption in lessons on family diversity and nontraditional families.
- Offer to make a presentation about adoption to the school staff or to your child’s class (but only with your child’s input and approval).
- Encourage school personnel to use positive adoption language. (See “Choose Your Words Carefully”)
In deciding how much information to share with school personnel about your child’s history, follow the “need to know” rule. Share only the information needed to ease your child’s adjustment and ensure his or her needs are met.
Advocate for Adoption-Sensitive and -Inclusive Assignments
Common grade-school assignments about families can raise concerns for adopted children as well as for other children in the class who lack access to family history or early family photos. Family tree or family history assignments are challenging to children who may feel they must choose between birth and adoptive families. Assignments about life histories can leave adoptive children feeling left out, as they may not have access to the information or photos requested. Ask your child’s teacher to make simple adjustments to these assignments that will offer other ways for children to complete a project without changing the goals and objectives of the curriculum, such as:
- Instead of asking children to bring in a baby photos, ask them to bring in a photo of themselves when they were younger or to draw what they liked to do when they were younger.
- Instead of requiring children to draw a traditional family tree with all family members, provide an option to show roots and branches, allow children to create two or more trees, or replace the tree with a more flexible structure altogether (such as houses and rooms) for those who know little about their “roots” or birth family history.
In any case, request that the teacher discuss with the whole class any options for children who are adopted or who have other family structures.
Prepare Your Child to Handle Adoption Questions or Comments
Help your child decide how to talk about adoption with classmates and others:
- Ask your child to think in advance about how he or she wants to respond to questions about adoption.
- Offer “What if…?” scenarios and practice responses with your child.
- Teach your child that it is up to him or her to decide how much personal information they share.
- Help your child understand the possible results of what he or she tell others.
- Coach your child in using phrases such as “That’s private,” or “I don’t want to talk about that.”
- Work with your child to master some general statements about adoption that can be used to educate peers.
Seeking Help for Mental Health Concerns
Adoptive families, like other families, sometimes need help to address mental health concerns. Sadness, anger, and behavior challenges are normal as children in grade school learn more about their family histories and come to terms with adoption. Some children may need a professional to help them grieve and move on. This need for extra assistance may occur even in children who previously adjusted well, as they grapple with developmentally appropriate issues such as identity formation. Do not allow difficulties with peers to go unaddressed. A child with poor interpersonal skills may be picked on or excluded, leading to more social and emotional problems down the road.
Signs and Symptoms
It is a good idea to seek professional help if your child or other family members show any of the following signs:
- Extreme emotions and behaviors. The child:
- Is sad, angry, or depressed much of the time
- Shows rapid changes in behaviors or moods
- In withdrawn, apathetic, extremely fearful, or has a poor appetite
- Is prone to screaming or other aggressive behaviors
- Starts to challenge authority at school
- A difficult family relationship. The child or other family members:
- Interact poorly and are stressful or angry
- Avoid each other while at home
- Feel unsafe while at home
- Threaten to run away
- Difficult peer relationships. The child:
- Shows extreme anger or aggression with peers
- Has no friends (is a “loner”)
- Is bullied at school
- Starts avoiding social activities and school events
- Substance abuse. The child:
- Shows sudden and unexplained changes in physical appearance (red or watery eyes, change in weight)
- Experiences unexplained physical symptoms (changes in appetite, vomiting, tremors)
- Has unexplained changes in behavior, mood, attitude, or personality traits
- Loses interest in hobbies or friends he or she once enjoyed
- Shows unexplained changes in school performance
Finding the Person Who Can Help
Postadoption programs, adoption support groups, and other adoptive parents are good sources of information about adoption-competent mental health professionals. Look for a therapist or counselor who:
- Has experience working with children and families
- Knows about adoption
- Includes the entire family in at least some of the therapy sessions
- Makes clear to the child that he or she is not the problem
For more information and resources about connecting with adoption-competent providers on the Information Gateway website
Summary
Parenting an adopted child during the elementary school years, as he or she ventures further into the outside world, is both challenging and enriching. Chances are that you will learn as much from your child as he or she will learn from you. With sensitivity to adoption issues, honest communication, and effective discipline, parents can support their child’s healthy development during these exciting years.
Return to Adoption Parenting: Grade School Part 2 or Adoption Parenting
Resource
Child Welfare Information Gateway. Available online at ChildWelfare.gov