What do birth mothers look for when trying to find that perfect match? That’s what I’m here to help you find out. There were a few important things that I, as a birth mom, looked for in the profiles of hopeful adoptive parents, so here are my tips for you:
Talk about your marriage.
One of the MOST important things for me was finding a couple that was stable. I, along with most birth moms, found myself in a position where I was not stable enough to raise a child. What I wanted to see was a couple who was, above all, committed to each other. It gave me a sense of security feeling like my daughter would always have her parents together. Wanting her to have two parents is one of the reasons I considered adoption to begin with.
Show your relationship with family and others.
Include pictures of how you interact with family and friends. The couple I chose after many hours of looking through profiles really showed me their best relationships. They had pictures of friends coming over to bake cookies, pictures of their dogs, Christmas day with their whole family, and playing with their nieces and nephews. If you have other kids, show them together. If you have other kids through adoption, include pictures of them with their birth families if you can. Like any birth mom, I wanted my daughter to be surrounded by love and joy. Seeing those types of pictures showed me exactly how much love she’d be surrounded by. And, it also made me feel like I really was getting to know the couple before ever talking to them.
Use pictures that show your real life.
From what I have seen, there is a temptation to always use those “perfect” pictures that come out just right. But those don’t really show people who you are. Include the goofy picture of your husband smashing cookie dough on your face or the candid moment when you don’t look the “best.” Show a picture of your backyard where the child will be playing. Include pictures of yourselves doing what you love, whether that’s hiking, fishing, camping, vacations, etc. Including these types of pictures allows a birth mom to paint a picture of what her child’s life will look like. She is able to envision them playing in that back yard or sitting around a campfire. I know it made me feel like I really knew that couple. Feeling like I knew what my daughter’s life would look like made me feel secure.
Write a letter to the birth mom.
I don’t know if this is common practice or not, but at the back of “my” couple’s book was a letter to me. It expressed how much they already loved me. It also included their hopes and dreams of the relationship they would like to have with me. To be honest, that letter made all the difference. When it came down to it, being able to read their heart for me made me feel so connected to them. It also gave me a good idea of what I could expect from the adoption.
Be 100% honest.
The MOST important thing out of everything you can do is to be completely honest about who you are, what you stand for, and your expectations for adoption. It can be tempting to put the “right” things or the most popular answers in your profile book. There can also be a temptation to leave things out like your religious beliefs. But know this: whether it’s the day the birth mom picks you, or 3 years post-placement, everything will eventually be out in the open.
The best thing we can do for our children as adoptive parents and as birth parents is foster a good and healthy relationship with one another. That cannot happen if your child’s birth mom feels like she was misled. You want to be matched with the right fit for your family, so be who you are. Allow a birth mom to love every part of you and your family. While it might mean you have to wait a while before getting matched, or if it happens the next day, it will be worth it and more satisfying in the long run to be honest. After all, if you are doing open adoption, the relationship you have with the birth mom is going to last a lifetime! There will always be conflict throughout those years, but if you start with a strong relationship it makes it that much easier to push through.
From the moment you are picked and the child is placed, you have started a brand new family! Not only with a new addition to your household, but with the birth family. We are all new and just trying to make it through the best way we can. I hope that these tips can help guide you in writing your profile and in your adoption journey.
If you’re ready to connect with an adoption professional and get started on your adoption journey, click here.