Meet An Adoptee
In order for my writings to make sense, I want to share a cliff notes version of my story. I was born in Ohio in the late 90’s. Due to difficult circumstances with my biological father, my birth mother chose adoption. She met and chose my adoptive parents just a few short weeks before she gave birth to me. After I was born I was placed in a private foster home due to paperwork issues. I was placed into my adoptive family’s home at 6 weeks old; and so began my adoption journey.
I was raised in a very closed adoption. Despite my parents meeting my birth family and developing a relationship with them, they chose to keep my adoption a secret. Swearing my entire extended family and community to secrecy (and alienating me from people in my life who were afraid to spill the beans). Adoption was erased from my identity, except it wasn’t, because adoption is always there.
I feel that my parents did not want to face the reality that I wasn’t their biological child. And even though I had a wonderful childhood, this secrecy made things hard for me. I found out I was adopted when I was 8 years old. And by found out, I mean I figured it out, confronted my parents, and demanded their honesty. After this, my adoption was a taboo subject. No one wanted to, or felt comfortable discussing adoption with me. It simply wasn’t on the table until years later. In my early 20’s I decided to reach out to my birth family. We have since developed a good relationship, and my adoptive family is not only okay with it, but happy about it. Things have come full circle for me. Now that you know a little bit of my history with adoption, let’s jump into the complexities.
Loss
Adoption is always born of loss. It doesn’t matter how perfectly matched the adoptive parents are, it doesn’t matter how lovely and involved the birth parents are, it doesn’t matter how perfectly perfect you go about doing things. It is always born of loss.
Someone is losing their flesh and blood. Someone is saying goodbye to their child. They are saying goodbye to first smiles, first steps, first day of school, and so much more.A birth mother is losing the baby that grew in her belly for nine months. And no matter how much she agrees to it, reconciles with it, or wants it, adoption is a traumatic experience for her and her baby.
My birth mother chose adoption. It truly was her only option at the time. She was young and my birth dad was detached. Adoption was the right choice for her. And even though she chose this path, it didn’t make the experience any better. She still had to hand her daughter over to someone. She had to go home without anything but stretch marks and an aching body as a result of nine months of pregnancy. This trauma affected both of us.
Identity
Babies are not blank slates. There was a widely believed idea in the 1900s that babies were blank slates and could be shaped into whatever a person wanted. This just isn’t true and has been proven wrong time and time again.
Babies, even newborn, fresh-out-of-the-womb babies, have a history. They are bonded and connected to their birth mother. They will have physical, emotional, and habitual features from their birth families that will follow them their whole lives. None of this is bad, and it certainly shouldn’t remain a secret. It should be celebrated!
A child’s history and past should be recognized and talked about. Kids need to know their past, why they are the way they are, and where their physical features come from. This can build a strong self-image and a sense of belonging. And if adoptive parents can be the ones to present and celebrate these things, their children will only bond more with them. There is no reason to keep these kinds of things secret.
I wasn’t given the respect of knowing my history as a child. Even if an adoption circumstance is difficult, you can still recognize the positive parts and share them with your children. Children need to know their history to develop a self-image. Sometimes it can be hard for adoptive parents to accept that their child isn’t biologically tied to them.
But, as the popular adoption quote goes, “you didn’t grow in my belly, you grew in my heart.” Overall, I see adoptive parents doing the research, putting in the work, and creating better adoptive environments for themselves, and any children they are blessed with through adoption. Listening to adoptee voices is one of the best things a hopeful adoptive family can do. It will help them build an understanding of what adoptees will go through.
For adoption to be celebrated, it has to be openly discussed. Adopted children shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed or uncomfortable about being adopted. Adoption is a beautiful and unique way to join a family and should be celebrated as such.
I know some of these words are hard to read, and even feel harsh to my adoptive family. I promise my adoption wasn’t all bad, and I had a good childhood. I simply wish my adoptive parents had chosen to be open, honest, and truthful about my adoption. I truly believe my self-image would have been stronger and the parent-child dynamic would have been better, and I would have avoided much heartache.
Adoption can be very tricky to navigate. Emotions can get in the way of what is true and what is right. Birth parents and adoptive parents have to set aside their desires and choose to focus on what is best for the child. It’s not easy to be adopted. And sometimes I wish I could make it go away. But I know, deep down, that everything happens for a reason, and I am right where I believe God intended for me to be.
