As I laid in bed this evening, something came to me. Inspired by a song by artist Kerli, titled, “Beautiful day,” I laid there and listened.
The writer in me jumped into high gear. How long had I been holding this wonderful feeling from myself?
The revelation struck my heart with joy; Life is a miracle.
As I revisited memories from earlier this week, I looked for the familiar pain to arise. But the same grief I always seemed to write from wasn’t there. I consider that to be a huge milestone for me, and am grateful to God for the healing he is doing in me.
Life truly is a miracle. One small budding of cells changes the hormones of a woman. Her body aches and she grows.
I hated being pregnant in the beginning, mainly for the uncertainty. My heart was torn in so many pieces. I felt worthless and unwanted. Yet within me, a child grew, cushioned and protected from the darker contents of my heart.
I languished in my pain instead of the miracle occurring inside of my body. I embraced the fear instead of the joy. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, letting my biological son go. Phoenix not only grew in my womb but in my heart. It took nine long months for me to come to terms with what was really happening, and that I could do the hardest thing a mother could do.
I let go. The feelings I felt were like a journey–they reformed me, and everything I believed about who I was and who I wanted to become.
Today I felt anger, indignation, and doubt creeping in. And as I stared at the ceiling, I realized that because of the miracle of life, a family was made whole. Even as my own was being torn asunder. When I chose life I chose to see the sky again.
In the hospital room, our time as mother and son was growing painfully short. That cold January day, as I stood looking out the window, I saw the brightest, most vibrant colors of blue. For the first time in months I saw the sky again. It was as beautiful as the love I held cradled in my arms.
I do not regret my decision to place him for adoption. I thank God for the love that he brought back to my heart; love for my God, my family, and my friends. I can honestly say that today, I feel I am a different and better person.
I am alive, I am healing. Life is not always pleasant but in this moment of perfect clarity and hopeful outlook, I thank the Lord for his transforming power in my life. And for the gift of life and the miracle my son is.
Grief can hold you back and keep you captive or it can move you forward. In the moments the sorrow creeps in, you feel it. You embrace it and let it go. You tell it the truth–that yes, it hurts, but it was worth the cost. You are stronger and braver and better because you chose life. I wouldn’t change a thing in my adoption journey for one moment.
Why?
Without Phoenix I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Life is so many things: hard, trying, exciting, hurtful, loving. A miracle.
I am looking forward to tomorrow, with my hope renewed once more. One day at a time, one step in front of the other. I want to see the good in the world around me.
As American writer Charles Swindoll once said, “We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.”
Impossible is only a challenge, after all.
