Things I Wish My Biological Mother Knew

Biological mothers are some of the most selfless people, these are a few things I wish sher knew.

Ashley Foster June 09, 2018
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I was adopted at birth. I have been working with various members of the adoption triad for years through online communities. Birth mothers have been some of the most selfless, altruistic people I have ever known. They can be the strongest, most kind-hearted people. Often, a birth mother has many questions about the child they placed. I reunited with my birth family two years ago. While there currently aren’t words to accurately cover all of the emotions I feel about my birth mother, here are five things I wish she knew:

I have loved you since before I knew you. When you carried me inside of you, a bond was formed. It’s a connection that I never knew existed until I met you. I have no memory of you from when I was a baby. Even still, my heart recognized you. Our reunion was not the stuff of TV drama. There weren’t flowing tears while the whole world watched. There was a humble embrace, and at that moment I knew I’d found a home I didn’t know I needed.

I cannot thank you enough for the sacrifice you made for me.  I always had a deep appreciation for your actions, but that was catapulted to a whole new level after I gave birth to my sons. I’ve watched videos of the journeys birth moms have chosen, and I have wept for them, wept for you. I absolutely do not know where you found the strength to say goodbye. Even if someone could guarantee that the child’s life would be better off somewhere else, I wholly believe I would be too selfish to let them go.

I withhold parts of my past to spare you guilt. You have a general idea of how my life has been. I don’t get into the details of the really bad parts because I don’t want you to feel guilty. There was no way for you to know or to have prevented it. And although my adoptive family was highly dysfunctional, I love them very much. If anything, sometimes I feel like I should have, could have, done more with my life. I feel like my life was spared for a reason, and I don’t want to be a disappointment to you.

Sometimes I don’t know whether discussing my childhood is painful for you. As soon as I met you, I wanted to catch you up on everything you had missed all these years. I wished I’d had a highlight reel to play for you. I wanted you to see all the photos and hear all the stories. (Ok, maybe not all the stories.) I don’t know how it makes you feel though. I can’t tell if you are sad you missed that time with me or glad that I have happy memories and a pretty good life. Mostly I just stick to current event topics for that reason.

I’m always thinking of you, even if we haven’t talked in a bit. I’m bound to get lost in the day-to-day with kids and the house. I know I don’t message or call nearly as often as I should. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think about you every day. It’s difficult to describe, but it can be challenging trying to work out a new family dynamic when you suddenly gain a whole additional family.

I am fortunate enough to have my birth mother in my life. While I may not always do or say the right thing, I can’t imagine my life without her in it. Searching for my birth family is one of the best decisions I ever made. I am excited when I see my boys with her, and I hope we are able to live a long, happy life together.

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Ashley Foster

Ashley Foster is a freelance writer. She is a wife and mother of two currently residing in Florida. She loves taking trips to the beach with her husband and sons. As an infant, she was placed with a couple in a closed adoption. Ashley was raised with two sisters who were also adopted. In 2016, she was reunited with her biological family. She advocates for adoptees' rights and DNA testing for those who are searching for family. Above all, she is thankful that she was given life. You can read her blog at

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