The thought of never seeing your child again can be truly heartbreaking. Knowing that he or she turned out okay can be a very comforting thing. Without that, you may feel lost in your circumstances. Being able to have a relationship with that child may be something that has been in the back of your mind for a while. It’s easy to understand that with all of the happy reunion stories you see in the news from people using DNA sites to find their families. Even though DNA tests are helping droves of adoptees to find birth family, there are still adoptees who don’t know how to use their results to find answers. Some of those people don’t know where to turn for help, so they simply think their matches aren’t close enough to be useful. It makes it really easy if your DNA is already on file, and it pops up as a match right away. One day your child may come looking for you. I am a firm believer in expecting the worst and hoping for the best. Don’t give up hope. You may see your child again, or you may not. But it’s not over until it’s over.
As an adoptee, I can tell you that it is likely that your child went on to have an amazing life. I can’t tell you why some adoptees choose to search for their birth families and some don’t. It’s a completely different experience for everyone. I looked for mine after I had kids because I wanted to know more about where I came from. I didn’t know if I would want a relationship when I found them, but I knew that I wanted to learn more. Even adoptees who decide not to search usually hold a special place in their hearts for their birth parents.
It’s not an easy weight to bear, but you need to have faith in your decision. You did what you knew to be right at the time of your child’s placement. No one can fault you for that even if you don’t have the same thoughts on it as you once had. He or she will know that your intentions were pure. Hopefully, your child ended up with a family you hand-selected, with parents chosen specifically by you to reflect qualities you shared with them. You have to trust that things happened the way they did for a reason.
Being sad about not finding your birth child is completely normal. It’s common to look back on the past and wish events had taken a different course. Hindsight is often 20/20. It’s okay to grieve your loss. It’s normal to feel empty or lost. You are not the first person to experience these feelings. Gather some support around you. Find adoption forums and groups. Talk to other birth parents who have similar situations. You can lean on each other during the rough times and find comfort in the fact that you are not alone.
Your first step in your search and reunion journey is to register in Adoption.com’s Reunion Registry.