One of my favorite movies of all time is Mean Girls. It’s irreverent and funny and has just enough truth to be compelling and thought-provoking: So. Fetch. My love for Mean Girls begins and ends with the movie and musical. I have zero patience for the kind of mean girls that exist in classrooms and homes around the world.
I noticed the first signs of it when my kids were in first grade. Things that never bothered my daughters before became issues front and center: the kinds of clothes they wore, the type of shoes they bought, the movies they were allowed to watch, and the toys they owned, it was all under scrutiny. At the tender age of 7, my girls were learning to sort themselves into cliques.
I have a zero mean-girls policy in my house and I had to enact it early. I was unaware I could be brought to tears by a then 8-year-old making fun of my clothes, but as it turns out, she’d stumbled on a long-buried trauma, and it hurt.
I don’t want my girls to grow up thinking it is okay to insult others so they can feel good about themselves. I don’t want them to think being two-faced is an acceptable way to be a friend. I don’t want them to exclude others because they think it makes them cool. And thus:
Dear Mean Girls,
I’m an angry mom. My kid feels like it’s necessary to dress up and wear makeup not because it is fun and a good way to express herself, but because you made her feel like she wasn’t good enough if she didn’t wear makeup and fancy clothes (that, in my opinion, have no place on the playground).
You took my happy kid and turned her into a grumpy pre-teen who thinks she is 25 and can insult others as she wants. You managed to undo several years of pep talks and thousands of affirmations: “you’re intelligent,” “You’re lovely,” and “I hope you’re proud of yourself because I am.” You nullified the encouragement and praise of parents, friends, teachers, and family members with your cruelty.
What, exactly, is your end game here? I’d really like to know. Are you so insecure in your own self that you need to put others down so you can feel good? I would have guessed there were enough cartoons, classroom talks, and assemblies to the contrary that this was even an issue anymore. Calling someone ugly doesn’t make you pretty. Calling someone fat doesn’t make you skinny. Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you smart. But it does affect people, and not for the better.
I wonder, is that how you’re talked to at home? Are you constantly told you aren’t enough so you need to pass that message on? Were you told you weren’t pretty so you worked extra hard to look like girls on TikTok and Instagram?
There is this great speech in “The Barbie Movie” by the character Gloria, played by America Ferrera; it moves me to tears every time and I think maybe you need to read it if you think what you are doing is okay.
“It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother but don’t talk about your kids all the [time]. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.
You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.
But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.
You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us.” (Barbie Movie, 2023)
This is so true, girls. You don’t have the experience age brings to let you understand, but please trust me when I say you’re harming yourself as much as you are harming other girls with your toxicity. It’s okay to not want to be friends with someone, but it is not okay to hurt them. Some people are awkward (*raises hand*), some have conditions that make simply getting through the day difficult (*raises another hand*), and even if they don’t, it isn’t fair to make the life of another person more difficult with your words and actions.
And while we’re on the topic, your face says a lot without you saying actual words. That eye roll sends a message as clearly as if you said someone was dumb out loud. Saying, “I didn’t say anything” when another kid says you were hurting their feelings is a cop-out, and we both know it. The way you turned your back when someone came up to talk to you, you knew what you were doing and you knew it would hurt them, but you did it anyway. Stop it. Just. Please stop. You’re not just hurting my kids, you’re hurting yourself, and those around you. The longer we tolerate this behavior in children harder it will be to break the habit in adulthood. And no one wants to deal with a mean girl in adult world.
So, by all means, on Wednesdays you can wear pink, you can totally make “fetch” happen, and I absolutely agree when someone calls you pretty. Grool. But, if you think someone is wearing the ugliest skirt you’ve ever seen, please keep that to yourself.
