Life’s Sudden Twists

Searching for your past.

Rebecca Tillou June 16, 2014
article image

A Yearning Soul

Thoughts rush into my soul,

My eyes become watery with tears.

I wonder if you were wed,

I wonder where you’ve been all these years.

Emotions rush into my soul,

My need to know grows strong.

In my heart, a hole.

Please, tell me what went wrong!

Why couldn’t you keep me?

Why did we have to part?

I wish that I could see

These past feelings of your heart.

I’m not angry at you for the choice you made

I was adopted by a great mom and dad.

My admiration for your choice will never fade,

but not knowing you leaves me sad.

Not knowing anything about you,

All these possibilities in my mind.

A search is something I may someday do

Maybe one day, my birth mom I will find.

I wrote this poem my sophomore year in college. I was 19 years old. It is interesting to look back at this poem now; I can answer every question I posed.

I used to sit at my desk in college and look up “Joans” from New Jersey. I joined’s reunion registry. I went through every birth relative that was searching too; birth relatives named Joan. I always had hope that I would come across a match to my birth mom. I would search for an hour or less, then go out with friends.

Searching did not consume my heart until I had my second child. Holding my son, I couldn’t wrap my head around how someone could give up their own child. Listening to my child cry, picking him up, and knowing he would stop crying because he sensed I was his mom…there wasn’t another feeling like it.

I share this moment because I am sure there are some adoptees out there that search occasionally, but in their minds they don’t understand how anyone could become obsessed with searching for people they have never met. I didn’t think I would become obsessed. I thought I would go through life as I always had–writing poetry about adoption around my birthday and my birth mom’s birthday, searching on the computer for brief periods of time. I never imagined I would go to the extent I did to find my roots.

It took a specific life changing event for me to make a decision that I would search until I found answers. I am not saying every adoptee will have an event that turns a switch inside them, and shuts them out from the rest of the world while they find their missing puzzle pieces. I am just telling people my story, and letting people know that as life can take unexpected twists and turns, so can searching for your past.

author image

Rebecca Tillou

Rebecca was adopted as an infant. She found her birth family in May of 2013 and continues to keep in touch with them. Sadly, her birth mother passed away in 1999. She and her husband live in New York and are the parents of two beautiful little boys, Dominic and Nicolas. They also have a German Shepherd mix named Chester. She was recently diagnosed with FASD at 34 years of age. She is currently working with and to get the word out that there is hope, and that you are never too old to better yourself.

Need help from a search & reunion professional?

Love this? Want more?

Claim Your FREE Adoption Summit Ticket!

The #1 adoption website is hosting the largest, FREE virtual adoption summit. Come listen to 50+ adoption experts share their knowledge and insights.

Members of the adoption community are invited to watch the virtual summit for FREE on September 23-27, 2019, or for a small fee, you can purchase an All-Access Pass to get access to the summit videos for 12 months along with a variety of other benefits.

Get Your Free Ticket