2/8/08

It is 3am and I can't sleep. yesterday my husband had a major heart attack. He is too young. He is only 40! We have children, he has to walk our daughter down the isle, he has to teach our sons to be good men. He can't leave me all alone. I am trying to have faith but I'm afraid. I can't by myself. I am trying but I don't stand why. why now. things happen for a reason. I believe that. people have told me and i realize that things could have gone alot worse. he was supposed to have shoveled his moms driveway out. he was going to take a nap. either cases he might not have been found right away. as it happened he was going to change and collapsed. i heard it and responded quickly but i don't know if it was quick enough. my 2 yr old was keeling next to him and tryinig to give him compressions along with me saying dad wake up. dad wake up. my 11yr old was there crying and trying to help with the baby when the peramedics came. i cna't do this. i want to scream. i am trying to hold it together. i know everyone expects me to fall apart because he is my rock. my skin burns. it hurts when people touch me. i want to be hugged by not by them but by him. i want to hear him tell me everything is going to be ok. that we'll get through this like everything else. but he's not here. i need him and i want him with me. everyone wants to help and i just want to curl up in a ball and be by myself. people keep saying what can i do. is there something i can do to help. it takes everything that i have not to say can you bring him home. if you can't then there is nothing you can do for me. i know that's wrong. but i can't but feel that way. i can't break down. i have to stay strong for my kids. i need prays. i need alot of prayers. i have to keep my faith. god can't do this to me to my family.