Birthmother found but limited contact

Clifford, Hi, how long has it been since you last had contact? She might just need to get her head around all the emotions and feelings after all this time, now that you've found her. If you can, i would suggest just contacting her to ask how she is, just a general conversation, nothing too threatening or pressured. If you feel you can, tell her how you feel that you've overwhelmed her. She may not feel like that at all. I am going through something similar to you, I have searched for my b-father for over 15 years and are very recently in reunion with him. I still want to spend every minute with him, he just wants to get to know me at a distance. It all very hard, but i feel communication on both sides is the key. I have read a very good article called "Reunion Socialization" which is on this site. it seems to sum up feelings of both parties extremely well. Good luck, Ellie

Hi, Clifford! I know what you mean about scaring folks off with lots of questions. I am sort of in the same boat with my birth cousin. She is my only "contact" with my birthfamily (birthmom denied contact), and in the beginning, it worried me to death, asking her questions, because she seemed a little uncomfortable with it all -- still does, to some extent. I found that if I sent her an e-mail with questions in it, she would reply, but only to the ones that pertained to HER in general -- stuff about her daughter and her house and her husband and her job, etc. After awhile, I gave up asking anything about my birthfamily, and focused on just taking the time necessary to build OUR relationship based on present day, every day "stuff". I sort of figure that without that as a foundation, our relationship wouldn't be a very solid one. It's SO hard, tho.....I am sure you are like me, and want to know everything RIGHT NOW! :D We've waited 40 (39 in my case)years to have answers and all of the sudden, there we are -- presented with a real live person, who can clue us in!!!!!!!! It's INTENSE! The desire to know is so incredible -- if we're not careful, it can overwhelm EVERYONE involved...including ourselves! In some cases, I think it's even more "healthy" to take the information in small doses, anyway, just so we have time to truly process it all. I know, with me, tho, I felt like I had to ask everything right away, because I was afraid it was my one and only "shot"...like all of the sudden, my cousin was just going to "go away" and I would be left with all kinds of unanswered questions. By taking things slow, and trying to build a solid foundation, I think maybe I am INCREASING my chances that my cousin will stick around for the "long haul" -- at least that is what I am hoping. ;) Some people aren't really "good" with communicating about their feelings. I know that with my cousin, I actually ASKED her things like "what is your comfort level in all of this"..."what is 'safe' territory for me to talk about"....."how are you feeling now that we are a few months into this, and the shock has had time to wear off".......................I told her that I wanted her to set the pace and to share with me when things were becoming too much......and she never responded to ANY of that. She just isn't good with a lot of things like that. I was trying to be respectful of her feelings, but I think maybe I was scaring her MORE by asking things of that nature, rather than just taking my lead from her. In the end, I just keep on "sharing" when I have something to say, and I figure one day, when she is ready, she will comment on it all. It's certainly an exercise in patience -- something I am not too terribly good at :D , but in time, I think I will be a better person for having experienced it. Hang in there, and try to take it slow...as slowly as you can, anyway...and keep us posted. Communicating here, at the forum, can be a very good way of letting out some of the frsutrations that build up along the way! If I hadn't come here, I probably would have moved over to my cousin's house, and pitched a tent in her yard, shouting questions up to her window day and night! lol!! Hugs, Sally