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Hi,
The 12 questions about adoption was very eye-opening. I learned so much about what many of us have been through.
I have been involved with a pregnancy care center for four years. They counsel women for post abortion and they counsel women who want to raise their babies, they counsel women who come in for pregnancy testing. But, I've never heard anyone talk about counseling women after an adoption.
One counselor stated that not many girls opt for adoption and if they do there is an agency who will give them counseling before and for one year after.
How many of you would say that post adoptive counseling would be helpful no matter when you placed a child? Even if you placed a child twenty or thirty years ago, would counseling help?
One of the ladies in charge of client services offered to let me order a post adoptive workbook from a catalog so we could review it.
I'm convinced that if a woman has had a bad experience with adoption- or if she has ongoing guilt, sense of loss or continuing sadness over the loss of her child she is vulnerable to trying to fill that loss by jumping into another poor relationship and another pregnancy. Because the relationship she has entered into is probably not healthy, the next pregnancy will not be welcomed and she will be in worse shape than she was before.
Our lives can go from bad to worse after an adoption. Maybe I'm alone in this feeling- but after I placed my son for adoption I felt guilty if I dated a decent guy. What if things worked out six months later and I got married? I would never forgive myself if I had let my baby go and then ended up in a good, solid relationship with a man who could have been a father for Jeffrey?
I spent the next ten years dating men who were either married or for some reason unsuitable for marriage. I ended up pregnant again four years later and got an abortion because I was too afraid of being abandoned again and delivering and trying to raise another baby alone.
If there had been some kind of counseling available for me where I could work out my feelings and move forward with my life, maybe I would have been able to allow myself to have a good relationship and I wouldn't have an abortion in my past to deal with.
If there was free counseling available- face to face- real supportive help, either single or group- would any of you go to it?
Let me know what you think.
jeanne k
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Jeanne, my understanding is that many agencies do offer "adoption counseling" these days, including post-placement counseling. I placed in 1990, and there was no counseling offered, and I never got any. I wish I had, my life was a mess for several years post-placement.
I have to wonder, when the counseling is offered "through the agency", how unbiased it really is. I also have to wonder about confidentiality issues... for instance, if a birthmother who had recently placed was considering trying to reclaim her child, and wished to talk her feelings over with the counselor, would the counselor inform the agency, or notify the adoptive parents, possibly damaging the relationship and/ or contact agreement between the birthmother and the a-parents?
Personally, I think it would be wonderful if womens' clinics like Planned Parenthood offered "adoption counseling". I would much prefer to receive counseling from someone who was not connected to the agency or the adoptive parents in any way. Even if my agency HAD offered counseling, I doubt I would've availed myself of that option because I would've distrusted the counselor and questioned their ability to be completely objective. I might well have gone for free counseling elsewhere, however, had that option been available. ~Sharon
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I never recieved councilling before or after birth of my son. I am in councilling have been for twelve years off and on, not until a few years ago did the subject of adoption come up in any of my sessions. I have the pleasure of knowing numerous birthmothers from all over the world, and at different stages of post relinquishment. Even though a birthmother recieved councilling before and after birth I find that most of the birthmothers are not emotionally available to any constructive councilling until mid life.(mid adoption life that is) I am certain if I had recieved councilling after adoption I would have been in an absolute denial stage, like most mothers who give their children up, we do tend to stay in that for several years after relinquishment. I am saying most because there are some that are satisfied with their childs adoption and are able to move back into their lives. I have just started a thread on Birthmothers Trauma, a book that has me concerned about my own councilling and healing proccess.
Every councillor I phoned that was adoption related told me they only offer councilling up to one year. one said three years, I dont feel that is long enough, for one there is no way to dig out that trauma before your subconcious is willing to relive it, normally it takes a triggering moment to recover repressed memories, and normally that doesnt happen until the mid life i.e death of parents, subsiquent child moving out, divorce. So while a birthmother may be recieving councilling she would still be suppressing memories...I for one am that example, were I did spend abundent time in councilling without even breathing the word adoption...for I maintained that denial, gosh no adoption no that doesnt bug me, my son is happy he has two parents, I did the most unselfish act ever....now I do not think that, Adoption does bug me, yes my son is happy he has two parents, but it hurts to know that I am not parenting him nor ever will. I did not do a most unselfish act. I am glad I feel these differently because without me feeling them there would not be healing happening. and I know one day I will be at piece with EVERYTHING surrounding my sons adoption, before well I just thought it was the right thing to do and didnt give it the attention it deserved.
my son's a-parents made me promise to go to counseling right away... and they told my parents of this promise too, so i had two sets of parents harping on me about going to it. bob and melanie are paying for 6 months of counseling. all i know is that i didn't want to go right away, but that's what everyone wanted me to do so i did it--so it's probably not going to help any. i've gone to group once, but that didn't do any good either.
i think therapy can be a good thing, but it has to be ongoing. 6 months of counseling every other week isn't going to do squat.
I agree; I don't think mandatory counseling ever helped anyone... it has to be of your own free will, and you have to be open and receptive for it to have any positive effect. I'm sure that counseling has immense benefits for some birthmothers, and I wish I had received it myself, but until you're ready to be helped, it's probably just a waste of time. I don't know about anyone else, but for me, the first six months post-placement I was in total denial. I doubt a counselor could've broken through my shell and done me any good. Later, when I actually needed the counseling, there was none available, and I felt guilty about needing any because I'd already had ample time to "get over it". I think it's nice though that the a-parents of your child are concerned about your emotional well-being, and that your mom is supportive as well. If counseling is not helping at this point, you might want to try it again in a few months, even a year or two. Chances are, you may be more receptive to it by then. Best of luck, ~Sharon
The agency that I placed through offered free counseling for birthparents. (I think that the fee adoptive parents pay covers the cost.) My counselor was a pregnancy counselor. She was a part of the agency but did not ever work with adoptive parents. I felt very comfortable talking with her about pretty much everything and did not feel that she would compromise her ethics by breaking confidentiality. I took advantage of the counseling with her for about two months before placement and then on an as needed basis afterwards. Before was in person, after was usually on the phone because I never knew when I would need to talk to her. Generally I would call and if she wasn't available right then she would always get back to me that day. We spent hours and hours talking on the phone.
Now, eight years later, I still talk to her occasionally. Usually it is to give her an update about how things are going. She doesn't call back quite as quickly, but I don't need her too either.
I also took advantage of the free counseling that was offered at the college that I went to. I met with someone once a week for about 5 months. It was pretty helpful, but I had to educate the counselor about adoption and related issues before we could get a lot of good work done.
I thing it was pretty necessary for me to have counseling. I think it really helped the grieving process and helped me understand my feelings.
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Thanks for the honest answers. I agree with Sharon about the denial part in the beginning after relinquishment. I think I was numb and trying to convince myself it was a wonderful thing.
I spent years glancing into baby strollers, hoping to see a little red headed baby boy--six or seven years later it dawned on me that Jeffy would not be in a baby stroller anymore. Meanwhile, my personal life was as big a mess as it was when I got pregnant for him- if not worse.
My adoption was private, so nothing was ever said about counseling of any kind. I wouldn't have been able to afford to pay for counseling anyway. I was also reminded by friends and family that I should just "get over it" and move on.
It was sort of like someone telling an amputee to "get over it and stop whining" and learn to walk on his crippled limbs with no help. It felt like I lost a part of my body and people were irritated with me for talking about it.
You were right about not having the counseling connected to the adoption agency. When Jeffrey's aparents first adopted him it was to be a one way open adoption. They were going to keep in touch with me via photos and letters about Jeffrey. When I phoned them and sounded depressed on his second birthday they immediately cut off communication with me and tried to scare me with a law suit over possible neglect of my son while he was in my care.
If a counselor senses a woman is having second thoughts or is feeling unstable they might be forced by their position to notify the aparents and cut off any former agreements for an open adoption.
Our pregnancy center is not an adoption agency and makes no income from referring young ladies to adoption agencies--They have their choice of agencies- but the one we know the most about is another Christian organization which I believe is nonprofit in nature.
Thank you again for such helpful answers. I am convinced by what I've been reading here and elsewhere on this forum that there is a real need for free, compassionate counseling for birthmothers at anytime in their lives. Just a place for women to express their pain without being judged would be a great help.
jeanne k
I think it's important to recognise that all of us grieve different and deal with the adoption "process" differently. We go through many of the same emotions but in our own way and time. Some of may be ready for counseling immediately following the adoption, others won't be. For some the support offered here may take the place of counseling. There's no ONE right way to learn to live with adoption.
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[FONT="Century Gothic"]I started counseling right after J's placement and I stopped because I couldn't handle it. Then a few months later I had to try something or I was going to continue in the downward spiral I was in and went back with a therapist from the agency. I believe that first 9 visits were covered and since then I have been seeing the same therapist to work on other issues.[/FONT]
Sharon
Jeanne, my understanding is that many agencies do offer "adoption counseling" these days, including post-placement counseling. I placed in 1990, and there was no counseling offered, and I never got any. I wish I had, my life was a mess for several years post-placement. I have to wonder, when the counseling is offered "through the agency", how unbiased it really is. I also have to wonder about confidentiality issues... for instance, if a birthmother who had recently placed was considering trying to reclaim her child, and wished to talk her feelings over with the counselor, would the counselor inform the agency, or notify the adoptive parents, possibly damaging the relationship and/ or contact agreement between the birthmother and the a-parents? Personally, I think it would be wonderful if womens' clinics like Planned Parenthood offered "adoption counseling". I would much prefer to receive counseling from someone who was not connected to the agency or the adoptive parents in any way. Even if my agency HAD offered counseling, I doubt I would've availed myself of that option because I would've distrusted the counselor and questioned their ability to be completely objective. I might well have gone for free counseling elsewhere, however, had that option been available. ~Sharon
I was in college at the time and was counseled (before and after) by one of the college counselors. It was a good thing. I talked to him again for a few sessions years later after my daughter (last child) was born as well. Please recognise that it's not too late for counseling now. It doesn't matter how many years after the fact. Learning how to better live with our pasts is ALWAYS beneficial.
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