Is it ok to send money

LIR - NFL... you asked.... if this woman would be anyone that you would have for a friend if she was not the bthmother? The answer is yes. Though we came together because of our child, she is a friend. We could have easily bumped into each other during our younger years, as we visited many of the same night clubs and hot spots. We talk on the phone like friends. I'm very relaxed around her and she seems to be around me. I would honestly miss her if she wasn't in our life. She's a kind hearted woman who ran into some bad luck in life. She is alot of fun too, she has a funny sense of humor that I find endearing. She is tough too. Even though her family does not support our open adoption, she is in their face with it and refuses to allow our child to be pushed under the carpet with her family. I would choose her for a friend.

I would send a calling card, and maybe some things for her son - like movie tickets, gift cards to Walmart, Kmart, Target. That way, you are helping her out, but in a less intrusive way than just sending cash.

After much soul searching and careful consideration I have come to the conclusion that I should not send anything. I will be there for her in every other way though. This woman, though I consider her a friend, is the birthmother of my child. That makes it very different then a just a friend. If, by chance, she does turn into a needy person, I would then have to cut her off, which could cause hard feelings with her and quite possibly, my child when she is older. My child may feel, why couldn't you keep sending her money? If I never started it, I would never be expected to keep it up. Also, if we adopt a second child, how could I not help that bmother if she needs help when I've helped this one. She has taken assistance from her parents for many, many, many years. She is an adult in her late 30's. If I provide assistance and help her overcome some of her problems, I could very easily become the next one she leans on. I don't want that responsibility. She is an adult with a son and should be taking care of her herself and her son, without outside assistance. Though I want to make things easier for her and help her, I would be putting myself into an awkard position; therefore I feel I must SEPARATE myself from her problems. Those are HER problems. I shouldn't take them on as my own. In addition, my husband would never go along with giving her money so I would have gone behind his back. Going behind my husbands back is just plain wrong. Though I felt like what he doesn't know won't hurt him, in essence, it very well could blow up in my face. If he were to do that behind my back, without my knowledge, I would be angry. I hate secrets and I would be creating a huge one. It is so hard to watch someone you care about struggle, especially the birthmother of your child. If she were to ask, and if my husband were to agree, then this would be another story. But to simply send money, offer assistance, and allow her to lean on me, without the support of my husband could be detrimental to my marriage. She choose us, as a couple, to raise her child. It would be wrong of me to do anything that could jeapardize my marriage. I thank you all for your responses. I hope you can understand my decision. I hope you don't think me cold hearted or mean. I want to remind everyone who reads this again, that she did not ask for help, we are NOT declining help. There is a difference.

MomTo1, Sounds like you're making the right decision for your family. I understand your decision, and at the same time am hoping for the best for the bmother of your child. She sounds like a nice person. LC

MomToOne, I completely concur with your decision. Personally, I can't imagine why the birthmother of your child would burden you with the knowledge of these problems in the first place. I guess I'm sort of a "keep-it-to-yourself" kind of person. Since she chose to share all these problems with you, you are now tormented with guilt and indecision. That isn't fair, in my opinion. Like I said in my previous post, it's your call. It's your decision to make, and it sounds to me like you've made the right one. I'm glad you made it for the right reasons... your own personal reasons, and very valid ones... but not because of what other people would think, and not because it might look to others like "baby selling". That's silly. If you give her money, it should be because you want to, and if you don't, it should be because you don't want to, or because it doesn't seem like the right choice for your family. You should not let the opinions of others influence your actions, and I'm glad you haven't. Your husband and child come first. Take care of them, and yourself. You have already gone above and beyond the ordinary to make this open adoption work. I wish the birthmother had not brought up her financial problems to you; it's inappropriate. But what's done is done, and I wish you the best of luck. Enjoy your family, and don't feel guilty at all! You can't save the world, and you shouldn't have to try. Just concentrate on loving and caring for your child. That's the best you can do for the birthmother, in the long run. I know this was a hard decision for you to make. ~Sharon

MomTo1, I was thinking about this to. I think you made the right choice. You are taking care of a child she couldnot keep or take care of. I think that is more than doing for her. She should not have complained to you so much. Next time I would say sorry your having a hard time and talk about the child. I would hate to see your being nice get you in trouble with your husband. Lies and sneaking are not good for a marriage. We all like to help people but as the saying goes God helps those that help themselves.

Just wanted to say that I give you enormous credit for being brave enough to share your decision and the reasons behind your decision with everyone. I'm sure you are not the first amother to question this and you certainly won't be the last. It's obvious that you really struggled to reach this decision and truly do have a kind heart. I think you made a wise decision in the best interest of your family. When money is involved with family or friends it can create many problems. I personally know someone that has lived a life very similar to your daughter's birthmother. It has been very frustrating for her family as it seems that no one can ever do enough for her. If anyone tells her that they can't do something she throws a fit. She never remembers all that has been done for her, only that someone said "No" at this time. She has taken advantage of the couple that adopted her child (she also kept one and then placed one) many times. You're right - once it starts it is very difficult to stop. Agree with Sharon Murphy that it was inappropriate of her to burden you with her problems. Agree with LIR -NFL that you should briefly sympathize and then change the subject. I would not encourage her to share her financial problems. While she has not asked outright she could be hoping that you will feel sorry for her and offer - which is pretty much what almost happened. If we can see how kind hearted you are here in cyberspace - I'm sure it didn't escape her when she met you in person! Also agree with Sharon Murphy's comment "I think you are a wonderful mom, and you have my utmost respect." :D

Momto1 ~ I want to add my support for your decision to the others. I know how hard it is to be placed in this position. You may want to (with hubby's support) still consider calling cards if it is a long distance call between your homes. I think this would be appropriate since your reasoning would be to avoid a break in contact for purely economic reasons and much cheaper that collect calls. Good Luck Trish

Wow.... Thank you so much for the outpouring of support! I was a little scared to reveal my turmoil but so happy that I have. It feels good to know that others think she shouldn't burden me with her financial situation. I never looked at it like that. I may have been guilty of once she brings it up, offering suggestions and trying to help her solve it. I even told she should take her son's father to court for child support since he hasn't paid it in 10 years!!!. I was happy to hear she is going to do that. It was a very good suggestion on how to change the subject when she starts talking about her financial situtaion, thank you!!!Sometimes we get tongue tied trying to find the right words and the right way to say things so that I do not offend her in any way. As far as a calling card goes, I don't like things have limits :) . Calling cards have limits and I would have no way to track how much time is left, etc. What I did tell her was to always call collect, and then I will call her back. She kept her local service so this will work well. She has agreed to it. Thank you so much everyone for your support. It's nice to be able to work out issue's with others who can understand. It is heartwarming to receive the support back in which I received. :)

Agree with you regarding the calling cards. The way you have it set up you are making it easy for her to stay in touch with you and picking up the cost without "money" being exchanged. Plus, you are only paying for the calls between the two of you.

The question being discussed here is not whether potential aparents should provide financial aid to an expectant mother. This thread is discussing whether it is appropriate or wise to give ongoing financial help, years after an open adoption has been finalized, to a birthmother. You posted "if they helped me fianancially I would think they are so thoughtful and kind". Giving money does not always mean people care or are thoughtful and kind. It can also be a way to create a sense of obligation by one, and false expectations by the other.

Hi I think your decision to not send any financial help to your child's birthmother was a good one for all the reasons you put forward. I am a birthmother in a closed adoption but even if I had been in a situation where it was an open one and I was talking to my child's mother and I accidentally let it slip that I was short of cash I certainly would not expect nor want anything to be sent to me. I would be very embarrassed if she sent me money or anything like that, in fact I would probably feel a bit insulted. Well done R

Hi, I saw your post and I thought this information may help. There are lots of government agencies helping people paying their rent/food/health insurance.......and so forth. They have websites that allows you to check the closest offices from where you live. So once you locate an office, you just have to go pick up an application, make an appointment and voila! They work on a case-per-case basis so she may even get more help than she expects, who knows? So here are the agencies she needs to contact: The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) [url]http://www.hud.gov/[/url] funds three primary types of federal housing assistance to low-income families: public housing, tenant-based housing and project-based programs. The U.S. Department of Agricultures Rural Housing Service [url]http://www.rurdev.usda.gov/rhs/operates[/url] a broad range of programs that provide homeownership, housing rehabilitation and preservation funding, rental assistance, help to developers of multi-family housing and community facilities. Affordable Housing Resource Center [url]www.novoco.com/resource.shtml[/url] Web site News, events and resources related to affordable housing. Housing Financing Options for Rural Areas [url]www.nal.gov/ric/faqs/faqfront.htm[/url] Web site Information on federal and private housing resources for rural communities and individuals living in rural areas. Sponsoring organization: U.S. Department of Agriculture USDA Rural Development Funding Notices [url]www.rurdev.usda.gov/rd/nofas/[/url] Web site Links to current USDA Notices of Funds Availability (NOFAs) for rural development programs. Sponsoring organization: U.S. Department of Agriculture I know these agencies will help. It is just a matter of.......contacting them. So Good luck! far-away-angel

Hi. My husband and I are now in the process of domestic adoption. We were clueless with our first "birthmother" who asked us for everything! We went along with it and got burned and lost a lot of money. Now we have a beautiful 'spiritual' amazing birthmom in AZ and her family willing to bless us with their child. It's nite and day from the first family. They have asked for nothing, yet want to give us everything! I have become this young womans best friend, mentor, and she has become my inspiration! She has had a life from hell. Raped at 16 and pregnant by 17. She would not abort the child. She has since married, her husband adopted the child produced from the rape and they have had two kids together. She is an Angel that God sent us. I have no doubt that we will be adopting her baby in early September. We speak everyday for hours. She tells me her troubles, and when I offer to help, she changes the subject. She wants nothing from us, but only wants to give. She is 75% Native American and 25% Swedish, and her husband is 75% German and 25% swedish. I can't tell you how beautiful their children are! I have recently sent her a gift card to Walmart and a money order that my mom insisted on to help them. She was so grateful and told us of every purchase. I still want to do more, and we can financially. We are not rich people, but comfortable. Like you said, I don't want to insult them, but giving a gift I think is ok. Her husband goes out of town on weekends and calls her all the time. Her phone bill is crazy. So I will send a phone card. I am blessed that she found us. And she is my best friend! How do you not help your best friend? Thanx for listening. Nancy

Nancy, your relationship sounds wonderful. We just recently adopted a baby boy ourselves. He was Native American in lower percentages on both his bmom and bdad's side. Considering my living room is decorated in Native American/Southwest motif we were quite thrilled. However, seeing the larger % this baby has concerns me. If his bmom or any of her family is registered with a tribe, you could have potential problems. Adopting a child with Native American blood over a certain % or a tribal affiliation often requires permission from the tribe. Just something you may want to look into.