Bonding issues HELP!

I wanted to say thanks for all this advice also. I sometimes have the same jitters and you all have such great things to say that just make so much sense. Sometimes we just have to remember that Heavenly Father has a hand in this and that He will guide us and not give us more than we can handle, and in giving us this priviledge (sp?) we will be blessed with love that we never knew existed. THANKS! LBL:D

I am an adopted child and have some info for you. My adopted mother treated me like her own and it worked for a while. I have long since felt as though I am lost. I know that she is not my mother dispite of how I was raised. I wish you luck in adopting a child because I know there are a great deal of difficulties. Good Luck!!!

Hi. Just so you know, it's perfectly normal for you to feel this way. Many of us in our struggles to have children focus so much time and energy on the "conceiving and birth" process that we forget about the actual "baby" part of it all. Tee hee. When my hubby and me first talked about adoption, I told him that I couldn't adopt unless I "knew" that I could love the child as my own. I felt I owed it to our family and the child to expect nothing less than complete love and acceptance. Over time, the thought of "having" a baby completely replaced the thought of "conceiving and birthing" a baby. With that said, can I just say how silly it really was to wonder such a thing! <grin> I love my kids more than anything! They are wonderful, perfect, adorable, (spoiled - tee hee) loved and MINE! <grin> When my daughter's birthmom carried her into the room she was screaming. She placed her in my arms and she instantly stopped and looked at me. At that moment, there was no turning back. I loved her instantly. She was mine, heart, body and soul. There has never been a question of love since. I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. I know that I couldn't love a child any more than I do her. With that being said, with my son, it wasn't as easy. I know that he is meant to be in our home and I know that he's my son and I love him just as much as my daughter, but it wasn't as instant as my daughter. Personally, we feel it is because we had the opportunity to go to the hospital and hold him before he was placed with us. Although this was a wonderful opportunity, we felt out of place as all of our son's birth family came in to see "her" baby and to give her love and support. I know this isn't the same for every person, but for us, I think that it made him "her" baby before ours. (I know that sounds silly, because he literally was....but with our daughter, the first time that we held her, she was "ours." We held her and took her home with us that very night. With our son, the first time we held him, he wasn't "ours" yet and we left the hospital still in hopes that everything would go well.) I can't tell you when that feeling went away, it just slowly did to the point that I never think of it anymore. I just know how much I love him and that he's so precious to me. :-) To make a long story short, could I love them any more had I given birth to them! NO WAY! I LOVE them so much and thank the Lord for them in my life each and every day. I am honored to have been chosen as their adoptive parent and will love them for time and all eternity. Good luck and know that you are not alone. It's perfectly normal and healthy for you to feel this way. You certainly wouldn't want to adopt a child and have never thought about it until that time. It's just a different process when you adopt, the end result is still the same. You will love your child with all your heart and, like me, you'll laugh that you ever had such a silly thought! Good luck! Heidi

I can completely understand your husband's fears first hand. We have 3 bio children and recently got custody of a 2 year old girl and her 9 month old brother. We've had them for 2 1/2 months now and I wonder if I will ever love them as my own. So far, I've been faking it. I've been told that if you fake it then it will eventually become real. I sure hope so!! I do love these children, but in a different way. There are no words to describe the bond between my bio children and me. It doesn't seem possible that I could love adoptive children as much, but other adoptive parents swear that it is. I can only take the word of adoptive parents who also have bio children because they are the ones who can totally relate to my situation. I do still feel like I'm babysitting, but maybe once the adoption is final I will feel differently. It could just be a subconscious protective thing in the event that the bio parents take the kids back. Just know that your fears are a possibility, but that there are experts out there who can help you. We are going to start seeing a bonding counselor in a few weeks so maybe I'll have some good advice for you later on!

Hi, I have a bio son and an adopted daughter and I love them the same. We were blessed with our daughter at the age of six. We started loving her the minute we saw her video and at that moment she became our daughter. We couldn't love her more and most of the time don't even think of her as adopted. Couldn't imagine life without her and it's like she has always been a part of our family. We are now about to adopt an infant and I already love this child without having ever seen him/her/them because I know that God knows who our child is and He has given us this love. I pray for our child(ren) and our Birthmother whoever and wherever they may be because once again God knows who they are. I think you and your husband will be pleasantly surprised at just how much you love this child when he/she is actually in your arms. Judy

I think your husband's fears are totally normal. There is a lot of mythology mixed in with the facts of adoption. One of the issues that is frequently misconstrued is the "our child" versus "somebody elses's child." In actuality, this is only true prior to the adoption. I also think that one of the reasons he may be feeling this way is because he isn't adopted (or maybe doesn't have any close family members who are adopted). I'm adopted. When I was much younger, teens & early 20s, I thought I would HAVE to have a biological child -- not that I couldn't love an adopted child, but that I needed a bio child to help me heal. Fortunately, that belief has long disappeared. When I was deciding whether to become pregnant or adopt, I realized that it simply didn't make any difference to me. As soon as a child is placed in my arms, I know it will be mine. You know the old saying about blood being thicker than water? Well, that's one of the myths too. FAMILY is thicker than water - regardless of how the family is made. Best wishes to you and your family!

Feelings of no attachment are normal and take time. Read as much as you can about attachment issues and see a therapist if you need to. We have felt the same way.

Well I have never parented a bio child, however I did conceive one, he grew under my heart, I gave birth to him but I never got to take him home. He died. But I loved him more than life itself , I wanted to crawl in his grave and die right along with him. I often wished it was me in that small white casket instead of him. So i do know the love of a bio child. Now as an adoptive mother I fell in love with my daughter before I ever saw her face. I met her birthmom before I met my daughter. My daughter was premature so she came early and when the birthmom came to the meeting she brought a picture of her. The first time I saw her face, I felt a certain warmth inside and in my heart and soul I knew a part of me belonged to her. I knew it was a miracle from God that took place because I instantly fell in love with this little girl and ownership automatically took place, she was my baby and the birthmom and her family during our meeting constantly referred to her as our baby and that really helped also. Although my daughter did not grow under my heart as my bio son Christian did, she grew in it and I love her the same. She is a gift from God above, I love her more than life itself and I will die for her, If needed I would give this girl my heart so she could live if there was ever a choice between my life and hers. I love her unconditionally just as Jesus, my Father loves me. Pray to God Liz and ask him to give you unconditional love for your son. As a mother you should not have to fake your love for your child. God can help you with this. God says trust him, try him and he'll prove it. May God bless you and your sons. In Jesus Name

We have 2 children, bd 16, ad 10. We want to adopt a sib group. Rather, we feel very drawn towards a particular sib group of 4. One of my biggest worries: will I be able to bond with them, or will I be too bussy and stressed to be able to bond. Four new kids is a huge increase...I'm really nervous(sp) Just adopt a single child you might say... We have been praying that we will be guided to the child or children that should be a part of our family... Our original intentions were to do single adoptions till our cup was full. The more we looked, the more right it felt to consider a sib group. When I saw these kids, it felt like they were my kids. Our fist adopion was an infant adoption. These are older kids(8,7,6,&2). Anyone who has had experience adopting sib groups or older children, or both....HELP!!!!

as a birthmother I had the same fear also. I started to doubt my decision about doing the adoption. at the time of the pregnancy i was not a reglious person. so I would talk to my tummy when I had fears about the pregnancy/adoption and I remember saying that my birthdauther had to tell me witch family she was going to go to because if she didn't than I had no clue what to do. so I left it like that and tried not to think of how the adoptive parents were going to love my birthdauther. brown eyes

So what is a DH? (hoping not a dead-beat husband..)

:-)

Wow--- I have been there and I think that as a woman who has had both her own birth children and then adopted two more I can share with you something..... because, I know what it really feels like to walk in both shoes. Just before we started the transition with our siblings I had a panic attack over this very issue. So many thoughts came flooding in and I was feeling like maybe I would not "love" these children the 'same' way I loved my birth children... I felt very ashamed for these feelings but, they still were there. I thought well, either way we are adopting for good reasons and we are adopting children who really need a good home and my secret thoughts were ~~~maybe I might never love these children the 'same' but I will love them no matter what. I remembered the two days when I gave birth and the doctor placed my sticky newborn on my chest for the first time...I wondered how could adoption ever measure up to those two moments? After all one of our new children was already five and walked, talked and had memories I was never going to be part of...the other child was reaching 1-year a time I really never enjoyed that much... I prayed I would be at least tolerant and that the children would never suspect I felt differently about them.... I promised myself no matter what I did feel, my husband and our children would always believe my love was complete, even if I ended up needing antidepressant medication... No matter what I would repress anything that could ever show any less the complete love...And I knew I could do this. I have loved others; my loser brothers, my ex-husband, my ex mother-in-law....I am able to love so I let this feeling slip to the back of my mind. We left and took the 5 hour trip to meet our children. The first night the Foster Family broght the baby to dinner and OH MY GOD! I could not believe how I did feel! I was stunned because when I saw the baby from accross the room my heart melted exactly the same as I had felt when I laid eyes on my newborns... He was completely perfet to me...If he had any problems I never would have noticed... He was the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen in all my life! The next day we met our daughter for breakfast...I was worried because I was about to meet a "person" who I would mother... When she walked in it was the same---I saw pure beauty and grace...I saw my baby girl that day for the first time...all 52 pounds of her... She looked at me and asked, 'are you my forever mommy?" It might as well have been the first cry I heard in the delievery room from my birth children because the feeling was the same.... My mother-in-law and I were talking a few months ago and this subject came up.... I shared with her how I felt before we got the children and she confessed that as grandma she too worried she might feel differnt....she also confessed how overwhelmed she was that she felt they were hers the moment she met them.... What you and your husband fear is normal...and not having birthchildren it might be hard to KNOW your feelings were the same.... Another secret I hold is actually about my birthdaughter the second child I had.... When she was born she didn't look at all like her brother, or me or even her father---she was dark colored and dark haired... she was fussy and wiggled all the time unlike her brother and I found of all four of my children bonding with my own birth child was hardest... It took about six-months before my bond with my birthdaughter felt like what I knew it should be... and I have always felt sad it took us so long.... but, it did. So, cut yourself a break you will love this child--trust me the moment you lay eyes on your child it will not matter how the child became yours... I think it is actually some of these feelings that cause me to oppose Foster care to Adoption plans.... I think it is awesome to be able to meet your child and know you are his forever parents the first time you lay eyes on them..... Good luck and know that unconditional love and all the same feelings of child birth actually are there--even if you have nothing to compair it too--trust someone who does.

What great advice Happy Mom Anna! Thanks for sharing! LBL:)