Parents rights in Califonia of pregnant 16 year old

3xamom So many resentments from back then.. Do you have a relationship with your mom? Jackie

Hello I still have a relationship with my mother yes I still get mad at her though for it but it wasn't her fault I am more mad at the guy who did it and my mother for not believing me at first and then blaming me and letting the rest of her awful family blame me I'm sorry you don't know what I'm talking about I will fill you in I was raped by at the time my boyfriend when asked by brother (who later threw him down a flight of stairs into what I like to call my gaurdian angels) why he did it he said because she wouldn't have a family with me willingly. The cops said it was my word against his (because he used the date rape drug) I wasn't awake until way after it happened and didnt relize anything different except his attitude he was nicer to me. But the courts also threatened to give him the baby my mom knew placing her was the only way to keep her from him she knew I had to do it so I can't hate her for making me place her but I do hate her for feeding me to the dogs when I needed her.

3xamom, I am very sorry for what you have endured. I hope you have sought counseling for yourself atleast. I could not emagine having been raped like that and then being forced to put your child up for adoption. Your story makes sense though, I can understand you being torn between being mad at your mom and not being mad at your mom. This is something only time and therapy can heal. Best of luck to you!

cbradley64, everyone here gave you excellent advice. The best way to go about this is to empethise with your daughter. Try not to say anything in haste, she will jump to the defence. Calmly, rationally, help her to see all of her options. Just let her know that you love her, show her that SHE can MAKE wise decisions.

3xamom wrote..I wasn't awake until way after it happened and didnt relize anything different except his attitude he was nicer to me. What a nightmare. I hope you keep writing about what happened to you.. Keep telling the world.. What happened was wrong.. Is wrong.. How old is the child? Do you have an open adoption? Jackie

cbradley64, please please please heed the advice of those who posted. The bfather of my daughter sounds alot like your daughter's boyfriend. Right now, the main concern should be for her to not marry this man. This is not an environment you want your grandchild raised in, nor, I would wager, is it an environment your daughter wants her child raised in--not if she's honest with herself. Give her an environment that fosters her need to talk or think. In the ensuing months, as the due-date draws closer, she'll start having to make some tough decisions, but right now she can allow herself some time to think things over. She's only two months pregnant and probably still in shock over it. If she's really the wonderful child that you raised, she already in her heart knows what the right decision is for her, she just needs a neutral place to let that out. I can remember how stubborn I was.

A charge for sagitory rape would definately keep him away, especially in CA. That's what I would do. Support your daughter as much as you can but keep that loser away from her!

i know you probably dont want to hear from me since i'm only 15 but i feel like i have to say something.the day before my fifteenth birthday i found out i was pregnant(some present)the father of my child was 26 and even though he had a great job and was financially secure that didnt appease my mothers anger in the least.she wanted me to give up my child and wanted to get him for statatory rape.i tried for two months to explain to her that it was my right as mother of the child to make my own decision but i didnt want us to drift apart b/c of that decision.she finally agreed that i should keep the baby but still wanted to do something about the father of my child.after alot of begging and pleading and trying to get her to understand she finally decided against it. i had my daughter on july 12th and everytime i see my mother holding her i'm just so glad that she didnt fight me the whole entire time.i was also happy that even though she was very very opinionatedshe didnt force me to accept her decision about what to do with my child.yes it's hard for me and will be hard for her(your daughter),but she did a very adult like thing and she should be able to do the responsible thing and deal with what comes afterwards.i know she's your daughter and you love her very much and want to spare her any heartache and struggles that you can but you also have to understand that with a situation such as this she's going to have to deal with emotional struggles no matter what is decided.i personally feel like you should let it be known to her that you will stick by her and love her unconditionally no matter what she decides. i'm sorry it was so long and thanks for listening.

This is very long and I am sorry about that but this is my story and I hope it helps you or someone like you out there. Take what you will from my story as I am not sure of the financial and emotional position you family is in right now.... When I was 16 I had wonderful parents that literally gave me the rold. My Dad had come from nothing (very very poor as he was lucky to get balloons at Christmas kind of poor) but worked hard his whole life to give his family everything we had, and he was very successful at doing so -- we were pretty well off. At the time we had recently moved from the town I grew up in to a state 800 miles away. New town, new school, new friends and of course new boyfriend. I was in love with Mike from day one. Mike was 19 at the time and, in my eyes, was the world Ŗ the sun and the moon. Every waking moment I looked for a way to be with him. I would spend my days devising how I would see him extra. I eventually moved out of my parents house and moved in with him I was not even pregnant yet. His words to me were "Your parents just don't give a crap about what you want to do and do not want you to have any fun. You need to just get the hell away from them. Who are they to tell you what to do?" Although this was a clue, my rose colored glasses didn't allow me to œsee his true self until it was too late. We moved into a 4 bedroom "house" that had exactly one working room, a partial working bathroom, and one of those camping stoves plugged into the ԓkitchen so we could cook Mac-n-Cheese when we had it. All the other rooms had gaping holes in the floor that he was going to "fix" so we got a great deal on the rent ($400.00 a month) :rolleyes: He worked at Burger King and he ended up embezzling money from them. He went to jail and shortly there after I discovered I was pregnant. I went to my sister for help Ԗ she and I have always been VERY close and could talk about everything. She went with me the day I told my parents that I was pregnant. Of course they were upset, disappointed, etc. But I always knew in my heart they would be behind me. After many fights and heartache, my father bailed Mike out of jail, bought him a car (nothing fancy just a re-built 78 Impala) and offered to send Mike to college when I went to college. The catch? Mike had to live with me and my parents (we had a rather large house at the time) and help me raise the baby. My father would provide (financially) for the baby, me and Mike as long as we were in school and bringing home the grades (although he did tell Mike lower grades were acceptable if and only if he was working as hard as he could to do well in school Җ for some people school is very hard) Mike flat out turned it down. Again, his words "I don't need a hand out from some one like that!" Over the next few months I realized that Mike was a manipulative, self center and abusive boy. (I used the word boyӔ on purpose). He would beat the crap out of me all the time. I was put in the hospital with pre-term labor a few times because of it. He decided to quit a pretty decent job he got after he got out of jail (when I say decent I mean it had health insurance for full time employees and was more than minimum wage). He quit because he didnt like one of the guys he worked with. Not because he was being treated badly or the working conditions were illegal҅ no he didnӒt like it <--- (me saying this in a snotty voice) . :rolleyes: When I delivered the baby, I really saw Mike's reality. After 60 hours ԅ yes 60... hours of Labor, I was a crash C-section as the baby almost died. After all was said and done -- baby was good to go by the way -- my mom asked Mike how it felt to be a daddy his answer was TiredӔWTF!!! OH Please!!!! You??? Tired??? Did YOU push for 4 hours??? Nooooo. Did YOU just have major surgery??? Noooooo. Anyway, off pointŅ. In the hospital, my dad liedӔ to me and told me that I could not have Mike on the birth certificate b/c if I was not the sole custodian of the baby, his health insurance plan would not cover the baby. ( I and the baby were still under my Dads plan as I was a minor and still in school) Җ it was my future saving race. Mike went back to jail when my son was 4 weeks old (violation probation). He went back to serve his original 15 month term. I had a weight lifted off my shoulders. I no longer had a keeper. I was not scared to go some place and have to explain myself. I knew NOTHING about taking care of a baby. My mom taught me everything I know. I was allowed to stay at home as long as I was working to better myself. My Dad did not want me to work (unless it was required for my degree like if I had to work in a clinic if I went pre-med) b/c otherwise me working took him away from my studies and my son and therefore wasted his money and my son֒s relationship with me. My mom watched the baby so he wouldnt have to go to day care. In college I scheduled my classes all day on Tues. and Thurs. so I was home MWF. I now have degrees in Chemistry & Biology and a minor in Spanish. I have a resolve and an impowerment about myself I never thought possible. Today I will be 26 next month, I met my soul mate when I was 20, we have been married for 3 ҽ years, have a 16 month old and are working on baby number three. My husband could not be a better father to my first son. He has never seen him any different than ourӔ (bio) son. I am a stay at home mom, lunch mom, volley ball coach, and Fall Festival Chair. Had my parents not stood behind me I would not be where I am today.

lil_ladybug and Anna1345 Thank you both for sharing your stories.. I needed to read what you both posted today.. Your messages are very important. Jackie

No problem Jackie. I did want to add something I forgot. After I had the baby, Mike was in jail. When he got out he never made contact. My parents had no problem with him spending time with the baby they just wanted it to happen at our house so they could supervise. They would even pick him up and take him home if he could not get a ride. He always refused and then I never heard from him again. My father did end up hiring a lawyer and terminated parental rights. Between him not being on the birth certificate, not ever seeing him, and having my parents financial support, the TPR was just a matter of formality. *****Also, no matter how you do it. Get your daughter to keep a log of EVERY single thing purchased for the baby. You could do a chart that has a few columns: the item, the price, who bought it , her b/f ֽ (the amount he should contribute) and her b/f actual contribution. I dont know why I ever listened to my father as I was in my very oppositional stage (he had me keep one) but I did listen. I kept it from month to month staring from about 3 months pregnant. I would input our 20% that we had to pay of doctors bills, cribs, clothes, diapers, EVERYTHING.. And I stopped after the TPR. I still have it to this day and it will go in the safety deposit box so when my son is 15 and decides he doesnҒt like the rules and wants to go find his DadӔ I will have that along with letters written from jail ֖ to show the lack of parental ability his fatherӔ has.

cbradley~ Just wondering how things are going with your daughter. I was re-reading some posts and I realized that if this guy truly is the loser that you say he is, she'll probably figure that out really fast--the further along the pregnancy she gets and the less involved the boyfriend is. I didn't truly know what a loser my ex-bf was until I got pregnant and I realized that if he wasn't there for me, he wasn't going to be there for the baby, either. Meg

This is my story i am sorry that it is so long I was always hoping that i could talk to me mum when i was pregnant... i was 14 and at the time i was 5 months pregnant... i had gone to a senior party with my friends from my high school (I was a freshman) and i was with my high school boyfriend and little did we know that his friend,Matt, who was drunk, slipped a date rape pill in my drink... when i passed out my boyfriend, J, took me into the master bedroom and thought that he locked the door but something happened and his friend got in the room and raped me... when my boyfriend found me he figured something was wrong, when i woke up the next day he questioned me about it i didn't know what had happened. Finally his friend felt guilty because it ruined their friendship and confessed to me, big mistake because i told my boyfriend and they had hated each other for a long time. No matter how hard i try the two just won't get along. When i had my son my boyfriend J loved him like his own but never let his Matt see him. Sadly enough he died shortly after J told Matt never to come over again, as devastated as i was i had to keep trying to get the guys back together. I missed hangin out with our "crew" during school and at lunch. Finally J and i talked about it and we all worked it out but not before i became pregnant again. By this time J and i were already talking about our future and what we would do once the baby was born. Matt was a big help throughout this whole ordeal, he felt really bad about getting me pregnant and even raping me in the first place. In what seemed the blink of an eye J and i were engaged and i was 5 months pregnant. The night before our wedding i had our daughter Rya, J and i waited until we were out of the hospital to get married. At that time i had just turned 16, Rya is now 2 years old and J and i have been married for those 2, we are expecting our second child in 2 months and are very excited. J's family has not been supportive at all and i have none so we have relied on our strength in jobs to get through it. No matter what people say some teen marriages do work out for the best and some don't ever end until "death do us part".:D

There's more things I'd like bring up but let me start with saying that they're right about letting her decide. I understand but hate my parents for what they did. She does need guidance however in making her decisions... educate educate educate. Learn the laws and the rights and all the details of every option. As far as the Bdad goes, I understand your concerns. This could really be a big mess and cause endless problems. HOWEVER, filing statutory rape charges on him really could end up being a bigger mess than you expect. You may put yourself in the middle of a shi! storm with a lot of people ignoring your advice that really need to be listening to you. And SERIOUSLY only file these charges as a last resort and ONLY if they're valid... if you consented to their relationship, its out the window but if you truly feel he unnecessarily coerced your daughter (the minor) into sex still consider the consequences. ALTERNATIVES: Get his parents involved. Not owning a car is not the big issue. What about drug treatment and other therapies if possible. Get him written up for the things that are illegal about his life that may force him to get on the right track for the baby's sake. Think of your daughter's future emotional well being and the baby's as well. Being a bmom can really be a blessing and a nightmare at the same time and there are no guarantees with Aparents. Also, the dad does have rights. Helping him help himself just might alleviate much of these problems. Give them options and education like I was saying before. Your feelings are very valid and your reactions make sense. The problem is how things change so much in the long term for people of this age. They're more confused than you are even if they're trying to be tough and act like adults.

Thatis EXACTLY right. IF she choses to keep this baby, then helping him to help himself (the Bdad) is actually int he best intrest of the baby. You have to set ground rules though. Once the baby is born, you'd be suprised how much your daughter sees you in a different light, especially if she chooses to keep the baby, and will probably listen to what you have to say in a better way then she has done recently. If the Bdad is willing to accept the help from you, then get his parents involved and help him to help himself with you and his parents working together. GREAT advice Janetleigh78..... Hang in there.....