Where to turn?

Hi, My husband and I have been advertising in newspapers here locally in Washington, and plan to in other states it is legal in too. You don't necessarily have to work with just your state. Have you talked to a lawyer or a social worker about what is ok in your state? Best of luck to you! Carrie

I'm not sure what you can and cannot do of these in Texas, perhaps your attorney there can guide you? If not, consider that friends and family out-of-state CAN do these things. Here are the things we did to find our son: We had created a master e-mailing list of all our friends, family, close business associates, etc. We used this list to ask for help in searching, and kept the group updated every 2-3 weeks or so with how things were progressing. One of these list members, a "work friend" of mine from a previous employer (we mostly trade jokes on e-mail), made the connection. She had gotten an "update" from us about a week before her ex-husband's daughter found out she was pregnant and decided on adoption. So we were fresh in her mind. This young lady is Ryan's birthmother. A few other things we did that generated leads and one other family being made: 1. Made up business cards with brief blurb and our contact info. Left them everywhere - restrooms at movie theaters, hockey games, fast food restaurants, airports, etc. We gave cards to waitstaff, left them on pay phones, bulletin boards, ATM machines, etc. We got 9 leads, one of which turned into a connection & placement for another family using our agency. We asked friends and family to do the same and ended up with a "mad mad carder brigade". We got cards pretty inexpensively at Vista Print [url]www.vistaprint.com.[/url] 2. Sent out letters to hospitals, doctors, etc. Got one call from a social worker that almost turned into a placement for another family. This would've been very expensive if my employer hadn't let us use their color copier though. 3. Put up flyers in our cars with our info on them, as did some of our friends. Also put flyers up in laundromats, bulletin boards, etc. Got several calls from these, especially the cars. 4. Created a simple website and posted it on adopting.org, abcadoptions.com, preciouskids.org, all the search engines, and everywhere we could do it for free or a low fixed cost. We did get some e-mails and phone calls from prospective situations, though not a tremendous number. ABC Adoptions has a 'birthmothers seeking situations' area where they send leads to you as one of their 'listing families' by email. Kay at Preciouskids will send you periodically all the 'available situations' from facilitators when you list with her. 5. We advertised in the local and some college newspapers. We didn't get much response, but others we're aware of made their connection this way. We also put an 'on screen' advertisement at one of the local movie theaters - that got us zero leads. 6. We also put a short 'ad' for ourselves including phone # and website as the 'signature line' on our e-mail and asked friends to do this as well. Don't honestly know if we got any leads from that one but we figured it was free and couldn't hurt, especially if people didn't strip signatures on forwards. Also, we really told everyone. I have a heart-shaped red button with the word ADOPT! on it that I'd wear places. You'd be amazed how many people came up and asked me about it, giving me a chance to give out a card and ask. I got 4 separate leads from people in a professional group who knew we were searching - either their friends/family or an employee became pregnant, etc. We told our postman and the guy who delivers the newspaper. It was very hard at first (we really are private people) but got much easier with time and as leads formed. We also found so many "gifts" - notes of support from strangers, friends sharing their adoption stories (adoptees, adoptive parents, birth parents) that we had never heard, so many prayers. We are continually amazed and touched. Ironically, my son was born in Texas (Pasadena), though we connected with his birthmother when she was living here in Virginia. Please don't hesitate to ask questions, we're happy to help. Take care, Regina

may i ask why you do not want to look for a birth mother through an agency, is it a financial issue, are you single, do you think you might be declined under being approved as an adoptive parent, are you not looking foward to "a waiting list" or some other issue, im really curious to know. i am a birthmother and there is only one reason that i do not want to go through an adoption agency, and others may have similar reasons. you can read some of my situation listed under Selecting Adoptive Parents and then my thread of In Need of Comments or Advice. my name is Domenica..... if you read my thread you can follow the next which i will explain : i did not menchion the boyfriend which got me pregnant while my husband and i were split up for 8 almost nine months. the boyfriend-birthfather is facing 5 felony charges that he got all this year 2003 revolving around methamphedamines. that will surely give him jail time. He knows i am pregnant and he knows my husband and i got back together. I am going to need his signature on adoption papers signing up his rights to the baby, I can't find him. I have not fully researched what would happen in the long run, i only know that if i lie to an adoption agency and the birthfather gets his life and head together one day that he has legal rights as a birthfather and could get custody of the baby, after 5 or 10 years this could really not only affect the baby but the adoptive parents as well. I could leave the fathers name blank on the certificate of birth but that still doesn't change the birthfathers rights, he could easily ask for a dna test and proceed for his father rights in court. i think you ought to consider an adoption agency so that you dont run into this sort of problem, it is only possible. And if you simply can't adopt for financial reasons, ask your church to help you. If you are a stable, good hearted person longing for a child i dont see why they would have a problem with helping you - good luck, Domenica

Domenica, I understand your concerns regarding your child's biological father - considered under the law as a 'putative' father. There are legal avenues to take however that can ensure that he cannot contest an adoption down the road. They require that you be honest and provide his name to your attorney, the potential adoptive parents, and any court official who asks. From there your attorney will send notification of proceedings to his last known address, as well as publish notice in the newspapers asking him to respond. If he fails to respond, then the court declares that he is disinterested and terminates his rights. If he does appear and wish to exercise rights, then he must first pay for genetic testing, then undergo a homestudy. The court then determines whether he is a 'fit parent'. This is an expensive and time consuming process. Again, depending on the state he is in, his rights may be severely limited because of his putative status. Because you are married, in most states your husband will also have to terminate parental rights even though he is not believed to be the biological parent of this child. In most states because you are married your husband's name is automatically placed on the birth certificate. Again, your attorney can advise you on exact proceedings in your state but in all instances you must name the biological father to ensure that his, your, and your child's rights are protected and everything can proceed legally. HTH, Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas