I need support

September 19, 2003

Hello,

My name is Joy. I am a birthmother. I thought I was okay with my past until I recently remarried. My new life and family includes a child that is 9 years old and is adopted. So this makes me a step mom to an adopted child. I am witnessing the 'other' side now and honestly it is breaking my heart. I just know that I need to have some education quickly. I know I need someone to lean on....someone to tell me to get a grip. I will give great value to anyone from the triad that will allow me to be candid with what is going on....especially Mothers of adopted children.

Just to give a little background and information so you can decide if you can relate. I am 50 years old. The child I relinquished at birth was born in 1971. I found her and talked to her in 1998 but she stated that adoption wasn't an issue for her and wasn't interested in meeting me. She was kind and caring. At first I was devasted but after accepting the rejection....I am delighted to know that she is happy and that her Mom and Dad provided such a wonderful life for her. I admire that she is completely devoted to her parents.

I am blessed to have two biological daughters..ages 27 and 19 that I was married when they were born and I did bring them home from the hospital and I am their Mom. I consider my relationship with both of them as being close. They are precious to me...I absolutely love and adore both of them.

My step son is 9 years old. His adoptive Mother is 57, and never had any biological children. My husband, his adoptive Father, is 60. He has a biological child from a previous marriage.....that marriage ended when the child was 6. That child is now 36 and lived in another state which limited visits with her Dad during her childhood and teenage years.

What is difficult for me is the parenting skills of both my husband and his ex wife. The birthmother was is talked about in a very negative sense by the adoptive Mother.

I believe I need someone to allow me to share my inner feelings with. My husband knows that I am a birthmother but doesn't have a clue as to how this affects me. I have fallen in love with this little 9 year old guy. I want to do what is best for him and at the same time....I want to completely withdraw because I am unable to emotional handle, what I view as dangerous, how he is parented by his adoptive Mom.

I came into this family with the idea that his adoptive Mom was great and was I am shocked at the reality of it all.

I do hope someone responds....I'll try not to over burden you with my woes. In fact, I really would appreciate the opportunity to just listen.

Many thanks,

Joy

Sabra

September 21, 2003

Dear Joy:

Thank you for your post and questions. There are many aspects of the situation that you are currently in. It sounds like you are aware of that.

I am glad that you are posting on an adoption support forum. It can be a touchy situation for any stepparent to care so deeply about their step child when they are not the primary parent. I am glad that you wish betterment into the child's life.

It is good that you are there and that you have a deeper understanding on some of the things that you see around you. It is wise to be v-e-r-y careful how you share your views. There is much you can starting doing to bring a few resources around that you can learn what researchers, professionals and people with life experiences with adoptees are finding out. If you would like some titles of books please let me know. As you read and research and show unconditional love to this special child you will be doing much. I have worked with some adoptees that did feel a special warmth and love from relatives in their adoptive families. This can be a huge blessing to an adoptee.

One of the good things about your situation is that you do have time. I would imagine that you plan to be part of this family for many years. Therefore there is "no rush" to share your views but rather as the right opportunities come up you can be there for the right kind of support and love. If you find yourself angry at what you see I would recommend that you pace yourself carefully. People tend not to listen and grow in an area when they feel defensive. Sometimes it helps to put ourselves in the other parent's shoes a bit and have compassion for them. Perhaps they need kindness in some way? Perhaps some sort of support that respects the adoptive mother would avail much for the future. Parenting as you know is not any easy job.

You are wise to ask for ideas from others. We all would desire what would benefit this dear child. Many times if we help by leading as an example by not placing expectations on others but by being the example in actions our actions can speak louder and more clearly than words. After all who likes to be told what they should do or what they are doing wrong. (I am not saying that you would do that.:)) Our example can make a difference. This child may do well to see 3 adults get along basically well together. As time settles in you may be able to be the special someone for this child and also a support for both your husband and his ex-wife. I am not saying this would be easy but I am saying to have the mindset of the long term rather than the short term can help. Your efforts of kindness may be possibly met with a reaction less than favorable but over time your sincereness can show that you are there for the long haul and there for what this child needs: stability, people that are positive role models, acceptance, and love. When we parent if we can keep in mind that children are in process it can help us to be less frustrated (I know it sure helps me LOL.)

Do you get along with the adoptive mother?

Do you think that you could spend some one on one time with this special child? (Possibly when your husband is home and not where the adoptive mother would really know if that is something she may feel threatened by.) Do you think that you could help to cultivate interests in this child? Nine years of age is such a wonderful age. It is fortunate that this child is still young enough that she could find some really special things that he enjoys. My daughter did not start up her love of gymnastics until she was 12. So there is still time. It may take some time for him to desire to explore a special interest. Sometimes just hanging out with a nine year old and going to the movies, video arcade, beach, mall, mountains, etc. helps to start a bond of trust. I would tread lightly and include this child's father for now on your outing as to not rock the boat too much.

How much contact do you have with this special child?

You are not alone Joy. There are many adoptees that can give you ideas on AdoptionForums also.We also have a seasoned parenting expert here. Please let us know how we can be of more help to you.

Please post additional specifics about the amount of time you can spend with this dear child. Also please mention if you are interested in reading some books about adoptees and blended families.

It truly is one step at a time. I am so proud of you for your caring heart for this child. I see a desire to truly help.

Warm regards,