Soon to be adoptive dad

Hi-use an attachment trained therapist To answer your questions: 1.not familiar with the book 2.yes. it's a crazy sort of lying. 3.ignore the school stuff for now and let the school deal with school. If they know it bugs you, it's only worse. I homeschooled while my kids were adjusting because, like you said, they are dealing with a lot of change and at that age, kids don't want to be different. Nancy Goehegan, who posts on the attachment disorder section of this board posted a really good article about why attachment kids have trouble with school. [url]www.radzebra.org[/url] also might have that article as it was in their last newsletter. 4.Eliminate the tv and video games as kids with attachment and adhd cannot deal with them. They need to concentrate on working on their life. They have forever to watch TV 5.Loving homes with structure do help, but the right kind of therapy is needed. Nancy Thomas material is good at explaining why these kids do some of what they do and ways to deal with it. [url]www.nancythomas.org[/url] Foster Cline and Jim Faye's Parenting With Love and Logic and Keck and kupecky's Adopting the Hurt Child is useful(They also have Parenting the Hurt Child, but I haven't read that one). 6.The best control for bad behavior is allowing the child to live with the natural consequence of their choices. NO accepting accuses or bailing them out. It's very easy to say-well things are hard or new for them right now soI'll let it go-don't! It's a test you don't want to fail. Be honest and mean what you say. Pick your battles and don't let your emotions control your decisions. If there is a parent support group in your area, join it. Sharing experiences with others in like circumstances can help keep you focused. Hope everything works out well.

LucyJoy: I have started reading the book and it makes a lot of sense. It talks about giving your kdis a greater reaction when they do things right than when they do things wrong. It is a seven step system where you start out just verbalizing anything good your child does, and eventually end with providing clear consequences for bad behavior, without the traditonal lectures and emotional outburst that don't seem to work with these kids. i am going to give it a try. it is called the "Nurtured heart" approach. To give you an example of the behavior I am talking about - last week the older sibling swore up and down that he did not have to read a particluar story - even though I personally retrieved his school work from the social worker and knew he had to do it. My wife threatened no TV or video games ( his favorite things) and it ended up as a power struggle. He started saying he was going to leave the house and walk back "home" to the group home (300 miles away). When i got home, it seemed like he would not listen to anything we said. He kept saying he wanted to go back and end the adoption - something I knew wasn't true. I decided to call his bluff and said ok, I will drive you back. He proceeded to cry and say no he wasn't going back and that he would do his homework now. Yes I know this was not the best tactic - but we are new at this. We are going to work on not letting his occasional tantrums get to us, and simply giving him consequences for his actions, while still provide positive feedback when rules are NOT broken. These incidents are not frequent, and usually they are a joy to be around, but when they want to raise hell, they are good at it. Any other advice is most welcome. JG

Sounds like a decent approach. Be careful to be specific with the positives. If I said my son was smart, he'd immediately feel a need to prove he was stupid either because he didn't feel smart and couldn't live up to the implied expectation or he didn't fee smart and thought I must be stupid and if I'm stupid, I can't take care of him so he would die. I had to say-It was smart(or good thinking) to think of doing whatever that way. That he could handle. What happens if he calls your bluff and wants to be driven back, then what? Careful with that one. Since you know now he's going to use that trump card, you need to make some plans to handle it so it doesn't catch you off guard. Staying a step ahead will help you a lot. Avoiding control battles is always best(and can be very difficult)

no !!!!! add kids dont lie read up on the symtoms.... is he in special ed?? if not ..get him in ... once he is there..they will do his home work with him thats their job maybe he lies because he is scared of what may happen reward him when he tells the truth , even if its not what you want to hear i have had an add child since she was five her symtoms hard to make friends not being able to focus outburst..not being able to clean her room because looking at the mess is so overwhelming.. so we start by ..ok..lets pick up all the red things ok now lets pick up all the dolls ok now lets pick up all the pants it really helps ..in all aspects of life..try it... its not a bad thing folks dont over medicate it does stunt growth and can cause loss of sleep some have bad side effects... start out slow .. see more than one dr. most important thing for an add child a routine they really respond email me privately if you have any questions by the way my daugther is only in special ed for math right now and has a b average and is finally without medication she could use a little but we are working through it. most adults are add and dont even know it take it from me!!!

bennett/kevin: I am not convinced that their diagnoses so far are accurate. They will be tested once they are here for good. Two of my brothers were ADD all of their lives and we never knew it. They never did well in school, and always had behavior issues, although they are both extremely intelligent. They were never on medication, and today they both hold down regular jobs and lead normal lives. I am not a big proponent of large amounts of medication, although I recognize that it is needed with some. The one with school problems has gotten the idea that because he is moving and getting adopted, he doesn't have to do anything at his current school. Last year, his grades were fine. I just feel like I have to get him here as fast as possible so he can have more supervision. Thanks, JG

Most kids in foster care, especially boys, are labled ADHD. Only a few of the actually are.

An update on my oldest and school: Apparently the social worker up were they live (they are not with us permanently yet) talked to the guidance counsellor and she said they have been "going easy" on him because they know he is going through a rough time and he is a foster kid. I believe this is part tof the problem. Since they are letting get away with murder, he doesn't feel he has to do anything at school. So when he told me "My teacher says I don't have to do homework because I am getting adopted" - it may not be true but that is probably the message they are sending him through their actions. Any advice on this? When he gets here, I am going to have to set up something with his new school, because I cannot take his word that he does not have homework. Anybody have experience with this when dealing with public school? Thanks, JG

Dear JG, Many adopted and foster children have multiple diagnoses. It is possible for a child to have several conditions at once. Most often, I've found, the diangnoses are in accurate and given by untrained or less than competant persons or bandied about without specific regard for the diagnostic criteria (DSM IV). Frequently children in the child welfare system with attachment problems are misdiagnosed with ADHD. The first thing I'd do NOW is to get a thorough assessment by someone who is trained and experienced in working with adopted and foster children and those with attachment problems. You can find someone in your region at [URL=http://www.attach.org]ATTACh[/URL] The child should be screened for a variety of mental health issues (including ADHD), attachment issues, senory-integration difficulties, etc. My website has a lot of information on it you may find of value. best of luck to you.

Dr. Art: At that website there is not a professional listed that is in my area. I am working with Children's Home society and they are helping get the services I need. If you would like to send me a private message through this forum, maybe we can discuss it further. Thanks, JG

A lot of teachers have email now and many have sites where parents can check for homework assigned that day. I would also recommend requesting an IEP if he doesn't have one or requesting an IEP team meeting if he does as his circumstances are changing. Then you can have specific criteria written in as to how homework is to be handled. Be careful not to let homework come between you and bonding with your kids. If he feels that's a target to get to you, he'll use it to stay away from you. They teach 6th grade every year here. Check nancythomasparenting.org and see if she has any specialists listed.

Thanks LucyJoy: Your comments here are most welcome. Yes I know he can just repeat 6th grade. In addition, the book we are reading - Transforming the Difficult Child - has a good way of dealing with homework. It talks about setting up a credit system where all priveleges are earned through a point system For instance, doing homework, not using violence, cleaning your room are all worth x number of points, which can be redeemed for priveleges. So they feel that if they don't want to do something they will lose some priveleges. Of course important tasks are worth the most points to encourage doing them, and not doing the important stuff still has consequences. We are going to try it at some point when they are settled. Where they live, they already have a similiar system, but unfortunately it seems they don't enforce it :( JG

Where are you? If you'd prefer to e-mail me directly, that's fine. the web site for [URL=http://attach.org]ATTACH[/URL] should locate you someone in your region. You can then call that person to see who they know and can recommend in your specific area. For example, I am the only registered clinician in all upstate NY, but I know several therapists whom I can and do recommend in Syracuse, Ithaca, and Albany, for example. best of luck to you and your family