Advertisements
I have a question about children other than your own natural child adjusting to the fact that we are going to adopt
I will try to explain the best that I can without writing a book
I started babysitting a little boy when he was 2 yrs old he is know 8 for the first few yrs I would have this little boy 10 to 12 hrs a day plus alot of weekends !!! And his home life was not very good to say the least and it was and still is my husband and I who buy 90% of his clothing , toys and everything inbetween
Life changed and I ended up having to work out of the house but by this time he was in school and his mother quit her job so I would only babysit sometimes in the evening and on weekends
2 yrs ago he came to stay with us for 2 weeks straight while his parents went on vacation He decided at that time he was going to stay and live with us "again" Apparently his mind had been working befor this because he had everything planned his room vists with his parents ect.
I tried ignoring it. I tried talking with him about it but he was determined. I did learn from him that he was very confussed why he can have 2 dads and 2 grandpas and grandmas and not 2 mommys when he remembered living here when he was a baby. His parents were no help at all they just screamed and yelled at the poor kid --- Well we finally got past that and about a yr later he was getting his shoes on and he tells me " my head knows im not aloud to live here but my insides still say I do " To me thats a very powerful thing for a 6 yrs old to say
Lifes gone on and just about a month ago he was sitting at the table with his older sister and they were talking about fairy god mothers so I asked them if they could ask their fairy god mothers one wish what would it be The oldest said a kitten then there's his response without a moments hesitation "to start his life over"
I asked him why and he said because then he wouldnt leave and his sister added its a secret but he still wants me and my husband to be his parents ---- I probably should of said something but I didnt I just said oh
Anyways I hope I have stressed how strongly this little boy feels about my husband and I . I love this little boy and i'm really concerned on how he is going to react. I have lightly mentioned it by saying things like "hey wouldnt it be neat to have another little boy here to play with ?" I always get a neg. response. Ive talked to his parents about it and all they say is o'well he'll get over it
I dont think it will be that easy for him and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. He's been hurt enough by his own parents.
I think I just wrote a chapter sorry about that but our homestudy is coming up and adventually I am going to have to explain things to him. I know they have books about mommy and daddy adopting but we are not his parents any suggestions ideas or comments would be greatly appreciated
Thanks for reading
Blossumkitty
Like
Share
wow - what a special situation you have! I don't particularly have advice, but it certainly sounds like you will make wonderful parents! Obviously, it is key that this boy not get "left in the dust" when you do adopt. I think you should just be open and honest - it will be easier when you actually get matched and can tell this boy that a baby is likely coming and that it is a girl or boy, etc. He is probably too young yet to understand it without those concrete explanations. So, my point is, I would keep mentioning it in passing, but once you get a match I would really explain it to him - and don't be too serious and dramatic - be excited! I think he will appreciate seeing your excitement and it will make him excited too - heck, have him help set up your nursery, paint, go shopping, etc - I bet he would love that!..then it would be like he had a part in it, not like it just got sprung on him. Hope it all works out great! Keep me posted!
Advertisements
I think you may want to treat the situation like the child is yours and you are adding a brother. In his mind you are his parents, so in his mind this new child will be his his brother. Could you possibly treat their relationship like that? He will be jealous that the new kid gets to live with you and he doesn't, but it also sounds like he is at your home enough to have this kind of relationship. That is what we do in our family. When we feel special toward someone, we "adopt" them unofficially and refer to them as brother or sister because that is how we feel in our hearts.
I work with teens every day and am very concerned for this child. What a confusing situation for him. I would suggest that he begin calling you and your husband Aunt and Uncle right away, if it is OK with his parents. Present the idea to him and his parents with enthusiasm. It will be a socially acceptable way for him to "get over it", as they suggested. This relationship with you will always be very special in his life, and you can explain it to his parents that way, but as he grows older, it will be even more confusing for him and his friends unless you help him get it straight with appropriate and socially acceptable titles. Two moms, dads, etc. is not clear to anyone for his situation. Since he is not in an abusive or neglectful situation with his parents (Or is he? Would he tell you if there is some very bad secret?), he cannot ever be your son. In his teen years he would not have to explain Aunt and Uncle to his friends except to say "they are very special, like parents to me", if someone asks if you are really related. I think you need to get this relationship clarified before you talk with him about bring a "cousin" onto the scene. When that is accomplished, I agree that shopping together would be a fun way to include him.
God bless. Julie
I would like to thank all that replied to my post
We have in the past tried explaining to him that we were more like an Aunt and Uncle than a mom and dad. ( I think the last time was this past spring ) Even his parents at times have made comments that we are like his aunt and uncle
As for him being jealous of the new child. Past experiences have made it very clear that he is very jealous of any other children being in our presence and us adopting is going to turn this boy into a complete monster This I know for a fact and I also know that I will/would never brush this boy away
I guess maybe in a sense I already know what needs to be said and done and there are somethings I will not have any control over because it will be up to him on how things work out I do know his mom has told me I will still be his babysitter weather he likes it or not.
It was mentioned about any abuse in his home and perhaps that is one of the reasons deep down why I am fretting over how things are going to turn out how am I suppose to make sure he is safe if I dont see him on a regular bases He feels safe here plain and simple
Dont get me wrong they no longer beat him or his sister and as the kids get older things seem to be getting better in other areas as well ---- slowly--- but they are getting better for them
And if your wondering why I dont seem very concerned about his sister's reaction is because she's attached to my neighbors like the boy is attached to my husband and I they help take of her as we do for him
Theres alot i could write about the whole situation but it has nothing to do with us adopting and this is a adoption forum so I wont
But thanks again for your suggestions
Blossum
Advertisements