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I just posted this on another board, but it actually seemed more appropriate to post here:
My husband and I are legal guardians of 2 nephews. We've had the boys for 7 years, since they were 6 & 7 years old. We also have a daughter, the ages are DD 9, DN#1 13, DN#2 14 -- in August, DN#2 sexually assaulted my daughter. It's been a horrible and confusing time. We had him arrested but have kept him out of kid-jail for the time being. He's been staying with my parents (not his grandparents by birth, he's my DH's sister's son). He has a probation officer, my daughter is attending counseling, he has had 2 MH evaluations, we're waiting for the results. It appears that he was a victim as well in his early childhood.
Here's the thing. With all the treatment in the world, I don't think I want him to live with us again. My parents are not a long-term option. I love these boys and would have stood by each of them through the ends of the world, but to assualt my daughter pushes my last button. I communicate with him and see him once - twice a week, but we are not a family any longer, and as far as that goes, we can't be a family with my parents either because they have to supervise him. NO Thanksgiving, no Christmas. I am thinking it might be best if we gave him up but am feeling guilty. We never adopted because the parents, life long drug addicts kept changing their minds and we didn't want to have to fight for custody. But in my heart I adopted them and gave them a lifetime committment, I"m just not sure in these circumstances I can honor that committment to DN#2.
Has anyone had an adopted child do something like this? What did you do?
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With the right treatment you son can be at home. The real questions are:
What is (are) the nature of his disorder(s)?
You should begin with a thorough evaluation for a variety of issues. Many older adopted children who have been sexually abused as children become abusers themselves. With treatment, they can be healthy. I'd strongly urge you to look at [URL=http://www.attach.org]Registered Clinicians at ATTACh[/URL] for someone in your region who can do the evaluation and then provide appropriate treatment.
I've treated a number of families such as yours with excellent results...so I do know that teens such as your son can heal as can the family. On a practical note, you'd want to do things such as put an alarm on his bedroom door for the evening, and do many other things...but these should be done under the direction of a trained and experienced therapist.
regards
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Ok, I see where you are feeling guilty, because in your heart, you made a lifetime comittment. He is 14, so you are only looking at 4 more years before he is out on his own. Would your parents be able to keep him for 4 more years? Second, if he is getting tested for mental health issues, then could he possibly be admitted to an institution, well, really not an institution, but a home for boys in his situation. Here in my town, there is a place called the "** Center for Youth," and it houses boys that have mental problems. Think about it this way, it is really no different than if he were your real son. You would still feel the same way if he were violating your daughter, whether he be your birthson or your adopted son. You would still need a remedy. I say to check with your local governing agencies and see if there is a place he can spend the four years and just explain to him that he is ill and then he won't realize you are giving him up and you won't feel guilty. Hope this helps, Angela:)
He had a psycho-sexual assessment done 3 weeks ago, we haven't gotten the report yet. From that report the state decides what treatment and placement options we have or perhaps will be required to follow. We do have group homes here and one that specializes in sexual treatment, that one I think is an 18 month program. Unless he's found to be severely mentally ill, I don't know that a long term placement is an option. That being said, I'd think he'd have to be pretty ill to have done what he did.
I don't think my parents are a viable option for 4 years. I am worried about my daughter being able to face him. I know that as a part of treatment way down the line, if we're moving towards reunification then their individual counselors would, at some point, counsel together in tandem. It's just hard for me to realistically see that as an option either. I think it would traumatize her to be by/with him. Right now it's part of his probation that he not be within 100 feet of her. I think the court system would be harder on him right now if we were pressing the issue, but I am just trying to make everyone better instead of making him pay. But a part of me wants him to pay as well. I know he was a vicitm at one point, that seems evident, but he made bad choices and now we're all paying.
Thanks also for noting my daughter, that's the real heartbreaker, someone she loved and trusted and called her brother (she was less then 2 when they came to live with us). The one thing that she is vocal about at her counseling appointments is how glad she is that he isn't living with us anymore. She says that she's okay that we are still his parents and do things with him or for him but she is scared to death of him.
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We are in the process of adopting a 10 year old girl. She had a disrupted adoption in another home when it was discovered her brother was sexually abusing her (he was removed from the home) and then there was an incident between our daughter and another little girl (they asked that she be removed, also). She has been abused by her grandfather, several of her birth mother's boyfriends, and her brother. She has been with us since mid-February. The incident with the girl happened in November. There haven't been any other incidents since. The fact that she was removed from the home almost immediately (and knows why), and the fact that she knows we know and she feels awful about the whole incident (she cries when we bring it up), along with our frequent talks, will, I think, keep her from doing it again. She is also in counseling. Her brother, on the other hand, is in "kid jail" (our daughter told us), and his case manager refers to him as a "predator." Our daughter never wants to him her brother ever again.
my daughter feels the same way, we haven't told our nephew at this point, reunification is so far away from the realm of possibilities, it seems cruel to tell him, I don't know, maybe it's cruel to let him think there's a hope.
I'm so sorry for your daughter, I hope she's healing and dealing with this, it's so hard and it hurts your heart so much.