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Hi ~
Here are some tips ~
Let kids know you want to understand their perspective and are willing to listen.
Be accessible - kids usually want to talk when it's their idea.
Allow for privacy - don't ask a lot of questions - they will talk to you because they trust you.
Don't take things personally - when they are critical or make generalizations, remember that they have moods and don't always say what is in their hearts.
Answer questions honestly - about sex, drinking and drugs, whatever is on their mind. Don't tell them more than they have asked.
Share yourself, your memories, mistakes and dreams.
Have family meetings to discuss household issues, vacations and having fun together.
Model intimacy - show your affection for them.
Be positive with your feedback.
With each privilege make sure there is a responsibility - let them know a family is a team with each member important and helping out.
Teach decision making and negotiation skills.
Take time to have fun together.
Teach responsibility by having kids earn what they want.
We'd love to hear some examples of how you put these principles into practice, or your tips for parenting pre teens!
Nancy
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Nancy:
Thanks for the tips. I pray something or someone will get through to my grandson. He is an 11 yr old who does not seem to respect anything his mother says or does. She is planning on remarrying in April of this year. He does not like his future stepfather. He talks unkind to him and comments about his employment, etc. The future stepfather is a loving, concerned man for my daughter, grandson and my granddaughter who will be 8 in February.
His father lives in Maryland and often visits. He was also fortunate enough to spend Christmas with his dad and two months in the summer.
He is in 6th grade and not performing in school! He was taken for counseling and the counsler said it was due to the parenting skills. Everyone seems to recognize this but, MOM.
How do I reach her, etc. before this marriage. As Dr. Phil would say, "I see a train reck coming".
My grandson is basically a sweet, loving child but, hurting.
I just need to sound off this AM.
Thanks
Hi,
This is a good place to sound off! and a good place to get some support.
It's difficult for kids to accept a new parent figure ... your grandson wants attention from his mom and knows he is going to have to share her with her new husband. Sometimes kids don't do well in school so they will get attention.
It's great that you are a caring grandmom!
all best wishes,
Nancy
sienna
I teach seventh and eighth grade. I think that your parenting tips for pre-teens is sensational! The only thing that you left out is BE FIRM and follow through with rules and consequences.
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Preteens are children ages 9-12, and although the age range is small, the amount of changes taking place during the time period is not. These kids will probably become more involved with school and social pressures will be a more important factor in their lives. Confusion may arise as parents can be pushed away by their children as often as they're called upon for help. Entertainment media will begin to have a stronger importance in their lives, and their interest in hobbies will begin to flourish. All of these things combined can make parenting a complicated and constantly changing task.
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Very informative post. Thank you Nancynic. I completely agree with you.
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These are wonderful tips, Nancy! I know it was several years ago you shared this, but not much has changed when it comes to parenting pre-teens. In fact, the advice here is probably needed now more than ever! I hope me commenting on this post of yours will bring it back up for new viewers to read. Thanks for sharing!
I love being the mom of a 10-year-old! Those preteen years are a time when kids are really coming into who they are and are able to express themselves better than they ever have before. I love watching my son's sense of humor develop and hear him describe the world from his perspective. Erik Erikson proposed that the primary developmental task for this age of kids is developing a sense of competence. It's so importance for them to have opportunities to develop self-mastery and find areas in which they excel and are competent. That's something I've been focusing on with my preteen, but recently I've run into a bit of a problem: chores. The rule at our house has always been that you can't watch TV/play video games or have friends over until chores are complete. That used to be plenty of motivation for my 10-year-old, who really looked forward to his hour of screen time/day (and three hours of screen time on Saturdays). I recently decided that 8 hours/week was too much screen time, so I cut it back to 5 hours a week, and now he refuses to lift a finger to do chores. He says 5 hours/week of screen time is not worth the effort. (Friends aren't a huge motivator because he's not very social anyway.) I've tried explaining to him that the screen time is not a reward for doing chores, but rather a privilege he can enjoy after he's contributed to the household, just like everyone in a family is supposed to do. He complains that the chores are too hard (They're not, I promise) and refuses to do them, no matter what I say. This has been going on for a few weeks, now, and I'm started to get panicky. On the plus side, he has found more active/imaginative things to do with his spare time, now that he's not playing video games anymore.Any advice out there for getting preteens to do chores without a massive daily struggle?