Please Help

Hi Tonya, I am not adopting from Panama but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I know you feel like you are being torn in two right now and I wanted you to know that someone out here is listening. As hard as it is I don't think you have much you can do. If a family in Panama wants to adopt him that is exactly what the Hauge is shooting for so I doubt you would get any assistance from that. I wish I had some words of wisdom or comfort for you but all I can offer is an ear to listen and to tell you not to give up hope, your child is out there and will be brought to you in the right time. Adopting is a very long, frustrating process and it takes much strength and courage to wade your way through, but trust me when I say it is well worth it when you come out on the other side. Wishing you peace Kim

Tanya, I am so deeply sorry. I don't have any advice for you but I feel very sad for your loss. We knew there were risks before we stated this journey but it still doesn't prepare you for this heartbreak. Did your agency know that Panama was looking for a domestic family for this child or were they just as shocked? The other American adoptions that fell through, were these families working with Commonwealth? Did Commonwealth give you any words of encouragement? Again I am so sorry. keep us posted on how you are doing. Julie

O.k..... This almost happened to us with our adoption. Basically, if a Panamanian family wants to adopt a child, they will get FIRST PRIORITY, no matter what. Yes, Panama will dump any foreign applicants for the child, regardless of promises made, if a Panamanian family steps forward. It's screwey... I completely agree... but this is a very imperfect system where pandering and bribery is still alive and well..... (even if they deny it). While we were in our 2nd year of waiting out our process (remember, our situation was very unique in that we were waiting for the birth mom's 18th birthday), and after a LOT of emotional commitment.... suddenly... these Panamanian sisters show up at the orphanage and start asking about Juliana. I FREAKED. Luckily for me, I had friends there (the cook was my #1 source for info)..... and they started a rumor about Juliana that was SURE to turn this gal off..... she (with her sister, who once pulled me aside and said she knew I loved Juliana, but was unsuccessful getting her sister to look into adopting a different child) had been visiting Juliana a LOT.... and, in fact, would take Juliana away from me (physically) when she came to call. I had to pretend like it was no big deal, and I had to pretend that I was NOT trying to adopt Juli.... all part of my friends' elaborate scheme........ :) The "rumor" scared the lady off after about 2 months. I'm telling you..... I was physically ill over this, because I KNEW she would have first look over us. An important thing to ask you is why 2 previous American families backed out of the adoption.......?? Do you know the details? Perhaps there is something about this child that was not revealed to them until the very end (or upon visiting the child for the first time)?? This referral stuff is new to me, because it didn't quite work this way when we were there (we picked out our own children). I have a suggestion....... can you ask your agency if they can try looking into the Chorrera court system? La Chorrera had a lot of abandoned children from what I recall..... I'm not sure, though, if they're "pooled" with the Panama City court system. But I do recall my friends having to drive to Chorrera all the time for their court hearings and psychological evaluations..... so it seems to me it was a separate system....... We will see you through this, Tanya. You WILL find a child...... you WILL see an adoption through...... and you WILL have an end to this process eventually....... Be patient with Panama..... they were like this even BEFORE they supposedly got re-organized!!!!!! Hang in there, Tanya..... don't give up. ~Kim P. **** Quick question: Based on the picture you received of the baby boy, was he light complected or dark complected??? I'll tell you why I ask in a minute.... it will have a lot to do with your situation...........

Tanya, We are very sorry to hear about what happened. I realize that nothing we can say will take away the hurt that you are experiencing. We did not realize that once a referral was made it could be taken away either. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there! Lauri

Thank you all so much for your support that really means alot to my husband and I . We are doing better now, we went away for the holiday and are reorganizing out thoughts so to speak. We will always have a place for him in our hearts, that will never change and we are praying he goes to a wonderful family. As long as he is truly loved that is all that matters in the long run. I think we have hit all the stages of the grieving process and a little comes and goes here and there, but we are still focused on being parents. I guess we all know there are risks to adoption and the statistics say that adoptions can and do fail, we just didn't think we would be one of them, I guess who really does. We want and will continue to adopt from Panama, we are not giving up and we realize that this could have happened with any country. We are staying positive and looking forward to the future. We are staying cautious and there is a little fear, but that is not going to stop us. I really hope I didn't scare anyone or make anyone think that Panama is not a good place to adopt from. I really did not want to do that, I just needed some advise. Like I said this is just a risk in adoption, it does not reflect on a specific country. Thank you all again for your words of encouragement, it truly helps we really appreciate it. In the end when we get our child(ren) we will know that this all was part of a bigger plan and truly worth it, as hard as that is to say right now, we know we will have our child we are not giving up:) Thanks TanyaB

KimP, From the picture I really thought he was lighter complected. But I guess I am not sure. Why do you ask? I know that a lot of the children have an Indian background does that make a difference, or does it have something else to do with it. T

I'm going to try to sum this issue, and it's relevance to your situation, up in a nutshell... ready? :) My experience was...... and was often proven to be the case..... that lighter complected babies were MOST desired by Panamanians seeking to adopt. Babies who were fair skinned (not common in Panama), were - to my best recollection - nearly ALWAYS reclaimed by family members during the investigation and sometimes even AFTER, when word got out. Long lost family members would often show up at the orphanage where I volunteered..... and I remember the nuns all whispering, and hustling up to the main office to find the "head nun" to explain what was going on. Sometimes.... they just SHOWED UP.... sometimes it was by appointment (and expected)..... You just NEVER know. Sadly.... the situation in Panama is that darker skinned people are considered to be part of the lOWEST socio-economic ratio in Panama. My daughter was rejected by one potential Panamanian family because they felt she was going to be too dark skinned when she grew up. Social workers in Panama OFTEN asked us if we were "SURE" we would be comfortable adopting a darker skinned child.... they just found it surprising. Friends of ours experienced having a JUDGE ask them POINT BLANK why they wanted to adopt a dark skinned baby when there were "so many light skinned babies available." Light skinned babies/children = "well to do"/wealth/upper class. Fair/Medium complected babies/children basically rode the fence, and things could swing either way..... Darker skinned children had the LEAST chance of being adopted by a local, Panamanian family. Anyone who has lived in Panama can probably support this theory..... but please know that I am NOT trying to perpetuate a stereotype or any kind of negativity toward Panamanians. The culture is such that social status/class can mean the difference between getting a job and not getting a job. Darker skinned Panamanians are DEFINITELY descriminated against... so are women over 40 (impossible for them to be employed)......... It is possible that because the child you were attempting to adopt was lighter complected, the family member stepped in for a VARIETY of reasons.... (a) the child would potentially do better employment wise, therefore would be likely to be able to support the family in the future..... (b) the family the child came from, if it's light complected, may be well to do anyway --- and it was just a "pregnant/scared teen" situation......... sometimes the birthfather's family is kept in the dark, until the rumor finally reaches them and THEN they come forward..... HANG IN THERE......... Because there IS a child there waiting for you....... There is one constant in Panama: unwanted children ........ - the system is just too twisted and unorganized right now to get you through this process swiftly. Trust me. It's not your agency. It's not your attorney. It's Panama. Please, everyone.... be patient with your representatives....... 95% of the process is COMPLETELY out of their control. The process may have changed, the laws may have changed.... but I PROMISE YOU....... the culture HAS NOT CHANGED. There is NO SUCH THING as a promise in Panama...... Example: We had a SET appointment with our judge one afternoon, where we were ALL to show up (including our son). We sat in the office and waited. Our attorney showed up just before the appointment time..... went in to see the Judge... and the judge said, "Why are they [us] here? Who told them to come here? I don't want to see them, make them leave." It was like being in the twilight zone........ we had APPOINTMENT cards, in fact............. As it turned out, some diplomat was scheduled to be visiting the court house, and the judge didn't want to be seen with Americans in her office (it was an election year). Up until that point, she was EXTRAORDINARLY supportive and friendly. This was a reality check for us, in the BIGGEST WAY. EVERYONE'S PROCESS IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT AND UNIQUE...... you may follow the same laws....... but you CANNOT DEPEND ON ANY ONE THING BEING THE SAME AS THE ADOPTIVE FAMILY NEXT TO YOU...... You can count on that...... Just hang in there - and don't give up!!!!!!! :) ~Kim