Breaking the rules?

Brwneyedgrl321, If this is to be your last contact with your daughter's adoptive family, then I'd say, "Go for it." Not to sound pessimistic, but you've really got nothing left to lose. If you DON'T do it, you won't hear from them again. If you DO it, you may or may not hear from them again. Best wishes, ~ Shar

well, i have to say go for it... keep a copy of this letter for you child wen she gets older so she will know you at least tryed to do this.... I am LDS birthmother but I am under the new policy that ater 6 months you can do whatever you want to... I actually did the same thing you did but before my six months were up... things worked out great for me and now my adoption is more open the almost anyone that I now.... I have many friend whom have tryed this and they went the opasit way and there couple did not want the contact, but you will lose if you don't try so go for it. they moght feel the same as you. but tell them that you are trying to now w a threat to them but that you need this so badly and even if they are not willing to be compleatly open that they cousl at leats send you things 4 times a year. birthday of you and christmas , your babys birthday and MOTHERS day!!! go for it and I pray that thing will go eveyr well for you!!!!!!!! KZacharyC(LDSopenadoption)

I also placed through LDS services, and they have changed their rules since you have placed. I have an open relationship with my child and his parents, but you have to think about the child. She could get confused of who her parents are and she might run to you instead of her parents. I have agreed to not see my son after he turns two. But I still can write him letters and talk to him on the phone. If you would like to know more. Let me know. Katie

thanks everyone for responding. Sharon is right I really have nothing to loss if I try it. aso now all I have to do is wait for her birthday to come. KZacharyC how did you sneak the info to the adoptive parents? leia

Leia, Did you go through LDS FS? My understanding when I talked to my social worker was that after the first year, they do not look through the letters anymore, they just forward them on. You could probably just include it in the letter and then you might not have to be as sneaky. My SW told me that they are just too busy to be reading every letter, so they only do it for a limited time after placement. Either way, if you decide to do it, just prepare yourself that you might not hear from them. They may not be ready to be totally open yet but they may welcome it. Its the old "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" scenario. Just be honest with them and explain that you would like more contact if they are comfortable with it, etc. I wish you the best! LBL:)

No if you fall under the old policy witch was before Jan of 2002, they still have to go through your stuff... But if you placed after the new policy they do not go through your stuff after 6 months, unless they catch somethign that is adentifying information... but the queation of how I got stuff through was mostly because my socail worker was not very therow about going through mystuff witch did help, but I did stick my e-mail adress, and a well throught out letter insidethe box of one of the gifts I gave to my son... I that you could not see until they took it out of the package... but I also new alot about them and I actually fournd there last name and adress on thr internet, but I did not want them to freek out so i did it the other way.. not that it ws much better as fare a the shock facter but in my head I felt beter about it... But if i was under the old policy and i found there infermation outside of the agency I wuodl just mail them aletter.. KZacharyC (LDS open adoption) p.s why don't you e-mail me some time we could talke more KaraLynnZ@comast.net (Kara)

Leia, My vote is to go for it and try somehow to get your contact info to your child's family. If they are like so many adoptive parents I know, they are eager for the same thing. Just a word of caution if you hide the info in your gift somewhere. If you don't hear from them, don't assume that it's because they don't want contact. They may not have found the email address or whatever. I almost missed a note from my son's birthmom that she stuck inside the box of a toy she sent. Best of luck!

As a hopeful LDS adoptive parent I say go for it. A email address is not threatening and you may include the fact that even LDSFS has changed their minds about what is best and explain new policy, but reiterate that you don't want them to be uncomfortable and you will respect the original agreement if they wish. My cousin spend lots of $$$ hiring private detectives to find her daughter's bparents after the 3 yrs were up. One was delighted and they have little reunion vacations every few yrs and the other was horrified and demanded no contact. You just need to make sure that you don't sound as if you want to break your word....that will lose respect. Also, the propaganda that the general public feeds to us aparents is terrifying. Take that into consideration. Every aparent in my FSA group (dads included) break down into uncontrollable tears when they speak of their love for the bparents of their children. Only once have I ever encountered aparents who wish that they never heard from the bparents again and that is only because she has massive psychological problems and is violent. If you have had a good relationship with them so far, then you could expect it to continue. But be prepared for a negative response. The thought used to be that contact with the bparents after 3 yrs would only confuse and scare the child. They may still feel that way and you should give info for them to educate themselves. They may be afraid of maintaining confidentiality, and their email address may have that info....let them know that they can get a FREE hotmail acct and name it as their first names or whatever they are comfortable with. Let them also know about this forum. It has done wonders for me and my long gone fears. If you would like, you could even post a draft of the letter here and we'll proof it for you and offer suggestions. I hope all goes well, and I hope you are able to maintain contact!!

As a hopeful LDS adoptive parent I say go for it. A email address is not threatening and you may include the fact that even LDSFS has changed their minds about what is best and explain new policy, but reiterate that you don't want them to be uncomfortable and you will respect the original agreement if they wish. My cousin spend lots of $$$ hiring private detectives to find her daughter's bparents after the 3 yrs were up. One was delighted and they have little reunion vacations every few yrs and the other was horrified and demanded no contact. You just need to make sure that you don't sound as if you want to break your word....that will lose respect. Also, the propaganda that the general public feeds to us aparents is terrifying. Take that into consideration. Every aparent in my FSA group (dads included) break down into uncontrollable tears when they speak of their love for the bparents of their children. Only once have I ever encountered aparents who wish that they never heard from the bparents again and that is only because she has massive psychological problems and is violent. If you have had a good relationship with them so far, then you could expect it to continue. But be prepared for a negative response. The thought used to be that contact with the bparents after 3 yrs would only confuse and scare the child. They may still feel that way and you should give info for them to educate themselves. They may be afraid of maintaining confidentiality, and their email address may have that info....let them know that they can get a FREE hotmail acct and name it as their first names or whatever they are comfortable with. Let them also know about this forum. It has done wonders for me and my long gone fears. If you would like, you could even post a draft of the letter here and we'll proof it for you and offer suggestions. I hope all goes well, and I hope you are able to maintain contact!!

aspenhall, I want to say thank you so much for replying. Your reply reminded me that I was planing on doing this for my birthdaughter's 3rd birthday. I just got caught up and a selfdestructive emotional down fall. and all the emotions are from placing my birthdaughter. and on top of all that i'm pregnant with my husbands and my second child. my due date is 6 days before my birthdaughter's 3rd birthday. so this pregnancy has brought back soo meny memories that I have forgotten or have been blocking out of my head. Thank you so much because this reminded me that there were happy menories and things that will never hurt to think about. like when her dad held her for the first time and how he bean and shined with pride to be her dad. and how they looked at me for advice on their baby. like I was an expert, I never once changed her diaper. I did finally get up the courage to hold her and feed her but that was after a good 5 to 6 hours later. oh I am sure my husband thanks you too. he was running out of ideas on how to help me. back on topic I do know for a fact that my birthdaughter's adoptive parents know that LDS FS has open adoption now. they did start the adoption process again only to stop it because they found out that they were excepting a baby in july of this year. through the whole month of july I was always wondering if they had their baby and if it was a boy or a girl and what they named it. also thank for the idea of posting a draft of my letter on here for people to help me with it. leia

It is not only birthmoms that try and "break" the rules. We are going to put our email address in the letter we send to dd's birthmom next month. I don't know if they will block it out or not but it is worth a shot. Last year I sent a picture of dd and her new brother in their temple clothes. I don't know if they sent it on but no one ever said anything to me about it. I say go for it and if they want more contact, they will let you know. Cherie in Utah 1 dd (5) adopted thru LDSFS 1 ds (5/20/02) adopted thru Heart to Heart

Katie, I have been working in open adoption for 15 years, and a birthmother in a fully open adoption for 19 years. The bottem line is that even with weekly contact the kids are not confused as to who their parents are. They know who to go to when they are hurt, etc. Sometimes they test to see what they can get away with (like my kids who ask Grandma for cookies because they know she will give them to them, as I would not.) but when birthparents support the adoptive parents role, the child is actually less confused than those who do not know theire birthparents at all. There is a great book called Openness in Adoption by Grotevant and McRoy. It is a longitudinal study on open adoption that supports this.

I have to agree with bromanchik and the research and studies about kids knowing who their parents are. I have been in an open adoption for almost nine years and there has never been any question in any of our minds who mom was and who birtmudder was. My birthdaughter has always loved spending time with me and the attention that I give her and the fact that I am a very special person in her life. We have always had a close bond. Even though this is true, when she gets hurt, she finds her mom or dad. When she is really sad, she goes to them. When she has an important question about adoption, her birth, me, her birthfather or life in general, she asks her parents first, then will sometimes ask me as well. (This shows how important good communication is between adoptive and birth parents and how important it is to be honest with the child. Honest answers keep the stories straight!) My birthdaughter did ask once if she could come and live with me. I said, very matter of factly "No." When she asked why, I answered that she lives with her parents. That was the end of it. Later, her parents and I talked about it and decided that she wasn't asking if she could live with me, she was trying to find out if my answer was the same as her parents'. Clarifying boundaries. Back to the original thread, go for it. There really isn't anything you can lose by giving your e-mail address and so much that you could possibly gain. Best of luck.

well it is nice to know that adoptive parents didn't like the old rules either. leia