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Parenting strategies are guided by our practical experiences with our children as well as our biases and beliefs. If our children are well behaved we may attribute that to their temperament. We may blame misbehavior on situations or other factors. If our children are 'difficult or oppositional' we may be discouraged about attempting to improve their behavior.
When we are frustrated with our children we may have unrealistic expectations. Realistic expectations allow us to be more patient when we are in conflict with our children.
New parents are most unrealistic about their expectations, particularly regarding the amount of work involved in caring for an infant.
Children are pleasure oriented and when parents set limits, children may get frustrated and annoyed - they repeat the behavior that gets attention. Sometimes we encourage behaviors that we complain about. Children challenge boundaries and may resist established limits.
Tell us about your children, their temperaments and behaviors. Which behaviors would you like to change? How have you worked with those behaviors?
Nancy
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We have a FS and he is very angry and do not know how to vent . We are trying to teach him to use his word so he do not hit. He is two but he is very strong and we want to help him now.So if he has to go back it want hurt him or someone eles. He has improvelot more at home we use time out in his crib but when we are out it can get very very hard. He also do not respound to no at all and that worrys me it hard to keep him safe some times!!!! We have fall in love with him so we realy want to help. He has been hurt so if he fill scard he come at you like a bear. PLEASE HELP:confused:
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Hello,
thanks for your post ~ it's difficult to manage children's tempers particularly when they are two and when their background has been frightening.
It's important to teach children how to cope with and express anger ... and to tell them, 'I understand that you are angry' and to teach them what to do when they are angry, such as 'use words' (as you mentioned). Are there other ways your fc can express anger - like punching a pillow? This way you are validating feelings and teaching acceptable behavior. It is a comfort to a child to hear that his/her feelings are validated.
Sometimes reading a book to children about feelings is helpful. I remember the book 'Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad Day' which is about a child who is very upset. I think the Berenstein Bears series has a book about feelings.
It's really about communication with children, accepting them and their feelings and teaching them how to behavior is ways that are not harmful to others - which supports their positive self esteem.
Let us know how you are doing.
All best wishes,
Nancy
My foster son is also 2. He's very bright but also very strong and strong-willed, opinionated, etc. -- a normal 2-year-old.
I try to acknowledge his anger when he has temper tantrums, (I try to "catch" it before it gets that far, but he's 2, so that's not always possible), and I praise him for doing things well -- especially when he didn't want to do something at first.
I also feel that children understand a lot more than we give them credit for, so I always explain what's going to happen (to the best of my knowledge), whether it's the plans for the day or what will happen in the next few minutes. I've always done this with children, from birth on. In the case of visitation day where he sees his birth mother, it's usually an upsetting thing for him, but I feel he deserves to know that he'll be going so he can prepare for it.
I also try to give my foster son choices about what to do, what to wear, what to eat so he has some control over what happens. And, as is the current cliche (and what I learned from my sister), I try not to sweat the small stuff. If he doesn't want to do something and it can be put off, I'll wait until another time when he's more amenable. I also find that sometimes, I'll say we need to do something, he'll flatly refuse, and then a few minutes later, he'll say he wants to do it.
I think the most important thing I'm learning as a parent is that these little beings have their own agendas which are often more important than mine. If he's tired or hungry or in a disagreeable mood, there's no sense in forcing him to go somewhere he doesn't want to be because it will be unpleasant for both of us. Also, it's easier to make my foster son a part of what I'm doing, instead of seeing him as someone I have to contend with. I also try to find things for him to enjoy: the lobster tank at the grocery store, the fish in the aquariums, statues that catch his eye.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that children are people, too, and there are things that they are dealing with, things they want, things they need, too.
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