Need an abused adoptee's perspective . . .

hi gerrianne, god bless you, at least you know what your getting yourself into........you have gotten alot of support already in place which is great, you will need it.... i cant wait to read alot of these posts myself from adoptees. WE adopted two boys, siblings, with severe physical abuse. i had no idea what i was getting into at the time....thats how i found this forum. there i was with my 7 yr old, hitting us, throwing tantrums, throwing furniture, and destroying property....I was like "what the heck..." this went on for the majority of his wakening hours then night time came around, tucked him in to bed and realized how much i have been blessed....peace at last....lol. then came the curdling screams at all hours of the night due to nightmares. I was clueless....this is not what we planned for.....lol I am so happy to hear from parents who adopt the older child. Its such a horrible thing that has happened to these children, i ran out and got as much support and informaton that we needed and thank god..... what a rollercoaster of feelings. we never took it personal though, you cant. they just keep pushing and pushing and pushing....."you will not control me.............." i wouldnt trade my little ones, they are two lovable great boys who deserve a chance for some happiness, even if it takes years, they are my kids........ cant wait to hear from adoptees and see what they have to say... dadfor2

One of the reasons my family was considered a good placement for our daughter was that I personally had been a victim of prolonged abuse. I was not adopted however I was raised by very young and foolish parents who needed a kid to practice on before the others came along--and that was sad enough. But as many other children who are raised with abusive lives they tend to be attracted to what the know and marry it! I did. And on top of it all I married the abused adopted child you would like to hear from. Sadly he is so messed up as an adult we can only pray oneday he might open up and find healing someplace. God knows the 15 years I spent as his wife didn't change anything! 15 years is a long time to spend with a hurt soul in the fist place and expecting to be poorly treated did me no good nor him. Needless to say the abuse of my marriage was ten-fold that I knew as a child. I however--for some unknown reason was able to get help (for years and years) Get up and get myself out of the situation....as well as find ways to heal what I could and deal with the rest. People who have abused may react to normal things in very strange ways. Sometimes a 'word' said can bring back pain or body memories. Sometimes a 'smell' can bring it back--a song--a look on someones face--or even a day of the week.... Sometimes the way the sun comes through a window or something on re-runs on TV that was on the same night as a 'bad' night can rush it all in. Sometimes just the way a question is asked or the way someone requests me to do something will bring 'it' back. When the moon and the earth line up and a bird chirps at the right moment--I can completely melt down--inside. And I am a grown up....I have had years of help and prozac and I understand all the 'head science'. My best advice to you is to remember that odd behavior can happen for reasons your child might not even understand himself. It's that trigger and sometime the person has no clue it has been tripped....but the feelings are there--the anger--the pain--the deepest hurt that no words can possible ever be found to define--so the kid will not likely even be able to say anything. In my life I have now found the most amazing husband on the earth--he is able to actually see that what he said is NOT why I am tripping---but, somethin just went off in my heart and I am going over the edge and he might not be able to save me--but, it sure as heck helps that he doesn't get upset when it happens....and over the years it happens less and less because I have learned it is SAFE to TRUST him. He has never once called me a name--put me down or threatened to leave me! He has never once jumped to my bait to reinact bad times in my life--although I have put him at the point where the wrong word--or action could have been proff enough for me! Sometimes we the survivors of abuse don't even know we do this--the pushing and testing to get back the olde feeling of being trampeled on and battered and hurt. Because these were the things that were once normal to us and life without it seems like it will fall apart any moment--the ice will break and the war will be there at last! And when the people we want to trust surprise us and say something dumb like--'it's ok--or I love you" we are stading there in utter schock and amazement and cannot believe it is OK and we are loved? It takes a lot of time even for an old lady! It takes a lot repeated waiting for the other foot to drop in order to actually believe it won't! It took me two years of dating and about 3-years of marriage before I honestly believed No one was going to treat me like garbage again....and even now and then there is a moment on the brink of conflict that my heart flutters and I wonder---is this the day all He!! will break out and my life is abused again?

Dido, Anna, I don't think my husband even knows how many times he has saved my life. luv steff

LOVE THE CHILD!!! TALK TO THE CHILD!!! BE KIND AND GENTIAL TO THE CHILD!!! DONT SPOIL HIM SET RULES AND FOLLOW THEM!!!! most importanlly love the child tell him you love him and be there for him... Samantha Joahnsen (click to email me( [URL=http://www.samtim.proboards26.com]Chat is free!! (a chating place for everyone)[/URL]

All the advice you have received is good advice. The most important thing to remember is that boundaries and fair rules are a must. He must know what is expected of him and he MUST be rewarded for the little thingsno matter how trivial. He has a long road ahead of him and love helps, but more importantly, he has to trust that you will not abandon him. And he may still have loving feelings towards his abusers. That is very common. Don't judge his feelings even if they seem out of sorts. They are his feelings and they need to be expressed, within reason. He is lucky to have you, that is for sure. Keep contact with other adoptive parents and NEVER GIVE UP ON HIM! I came from an abusive background with and adoptive brother that molested me for 10 years. My parents looked the other way and it was severely damaging. But, the good news is that with counseling, writing two books, and otherwise surrounding myself with loving people who build me up rather than tear me down, I have survioved and am happy most of the time. kasey

My husband and I recently had to give up on a child that we were an adoptive resource for. She would have violent outbursts four or five times a day that were abusive towards me or other family members. It got to the point that I couldn't restrain her, and I would put her in her bedroom and stand in the door way so she couldn't leave the room. She was severely abused and neglected as a toddler, and we tried for two years to turn her around. I was afraid for the safety of our other children, and so we asked for help. She has been placed in another home where they hope to get her on the right track so she can possibly return, but so far the therapists are telling me it will take years before they may see results. This breaks my heart because we will raise her sisters without her, and I love her dearly eventhough things were not usualy all that great. I just couldn't live with myself if she were to seriously injure one of the other children so we had to make a decision that protected the others. I give lots of credit and respect to those of you that have lived through it and those of you that were able to stand by them. It takes a lot of strength from everyone involved. Laura

I am not an abused adoptee, but 2 of my younger brothers and my sister are. My parents have given them everything they could and still have had a really difficult time. The kids are 15, 16 and 17 now, with the 17 year old having left home already. My advice is to provide the child with counseling right away, and continue it for as long as needed. Also, find a support group in your area for special needs adoptions. You and your sponse will need support from other people who have been through the same thing. If you wish to have an on line resourse, send me a private message and I can give you my Mom's e-mail address. She would be more than happy to answer any questions you may have. I wish you the best. It takes an extremely special person to volunteer to create a home for these children.

Hi Gerianne I just read your post. Hopefully I can offer some advice. I was also physically and sexually abused by my birth father. And trust me it is something a child will never get past. The only thing that you can do is provide a safe and comfortable home for the child. Maybe if the subject does come up offer counseling. NEVER push counseling on the child. If they can cope (even though its not easy) allow them to deal with it in their own way. As long as it does not bring harm to anyone. I was abused form ages 2-4 and I am now 28 and still trying to put it all behind me. I know in my heart I never will. My father burned my right hand, and the scar remains to this day. It is a constant reminder of what I went through. I had some real trust issues with people but I tried to deal with it and let them prove themselves to me. My adoptive parents were wonderful and never brought the subject up unless I asked questions. MY adoptive father and I got into an argument once and he accused me of lying about the abuse. That is the worst thing any parent could say. He did not go through my nightmares and pain. I wish you the best of luck and thank you for being able to love and be so concerned for an abused child. There are times that I wonder where I would be today if I was not adopted I wonder if I would even be alive. If you have any more questions or would like to talk please send me a PM or email me at mbh48170@netscape.net Best of Luck Marybeth Loretta

Here is a little bit of my story. I was abused, very much mentally and also physically and sexually. You have a long road ahead of you but it will be rewarding for you, your spouse and your son in the end. My hat is also off to you! I think it was especially hard for me because I hadn't dealt with my own issues when my husband and I got custody of his daughter because her mother did these same things to her. And in trying to help my stepdaughter I learned I needed to help myself. I will be praying for your soon to be son and you also. Please, Please continue therapy, be consistant. Many therapists work differently with you. Mine pointed out the fact that I shouldn't praise her too much because it had the opposite effect. My stepdaughter hated herself, blaming herself for what her mother had done. When you would prase her, she would selfdistruct, it was little bits of prase and appreciation and loves, not gifts or too much prase that would work with her. These children are so precious and NEED so much. Everyone here has given you wonderful advice. Remember not to take anything personal, acting out is natural and deal with it accordingly, work with the therapist. I wish you the best of luck!

I agree, never trust anyone who tells you it won't affect the child or they don't remember it. I was 5 when I was adopted and my parents were told we (my sister was adopted with me) were too young to remember anything. I grew up knowing stuff other kids hadn't been taught yet, I had no self esteem, had trouble figuring out if my memories were dreams or realities. I also have Bipolar (which is hereditary and my bmom has it) and my parent never really investigated it or looked to treat it. In 1983 it was a hush hush thing to have a child with emotional and psychological problems. My mom had no idea anything was wrong until I just totally broke down and lost it one night. In a way it was a blessing because it really opened up my mom's eyes to our situation. She is really supportive in my therapy. My sister found our adoptive parents and we have met the bdad and talked on the phone to our bmom. You have a long battle ahead of you. This boy will act out, test you to your limits, stretch you thin but he is looking for your unconditional love. Set boundaries with him, but do it with love. Let him set boundaries until he comes to trust you. It takes time but you have the opportunity to really affect his life. You can give him a future that he can be grateful for. Some younger kids who are abused are really withdrawn. If he is, take it slow. We all come out of our shell eventually. Just give him (emotionally and physically) what he has never had. I pray that you have patience and love for this child. Find a good counselor. A psychiatrist may be good but get a counselor as well. A psych will try to analyze the brain and prescribe meds that he needs, but a counselor will really "talk" with child without pushing meds or being in a rush. I have been seeing a counselor for 2 year, going on 3. I love her and she has done wonders. Good luck and best wishes. You can do this.

I agree, never trust anyone who tells you it won't affect the child or they don't remember it. I was 5 when I was adopted and my parents were told we (my sister was adopted with me) were too young to remember anything. I grew up knowing stuff other kids hadn't been taught yet, I had no self esteem, had trouble figuring out if my memories were dreams or realities. I also have Bipolar (which is hereditary and my bmom has it) and my parent never really investigated it or looked to treat it. In 1983 it was a hush hush thing to have a child with emotional and psychological problems. My mom had no idea anything was wrong until I just totally broke down and lost it one night. In a way it was a blessing because it really opened up my mom's eyes to our situation. She is really supportive in my therapy. My sister found our adoptive parents and we have met the bdad and talked on the phone to our bmom. You have a long battle ahead of you. This boy will act out, test you to your limits, stretch you thin but he is looking for your unconditional love. Set boundaries with him, but do it with love. Let him set boundaries until he comes to trust you. It takes time but you have the opportunity to really affect his life. You can give him a future that he can be grateful for. Some younger kids who are abused are really withdrawn. If he is, take it slow. We all come out of our shell eventually. Just give him (emotionally and physically) what he has never had. I pray that you have patience and love for this child. Find a good counselor. A psychiatrist may be good but get a counselor as well. A psych will try to analyze the brain and prescribe meds that he needs, but a counselor will really "talk" with child without pushing meds or being in a rush. I have been seeing a counselor for 2 year, going on 3. I love her and she has done wonders. Good luck and best wishes. You can do this.

It will take time for him to heal, and he may even reject your love at first. The pain of abuse never goes away. I was molested at my aparents house, and my amother tried to choke me to death. If my afather was not their she probably would have succeeded. My bfather would put cigareets out on my chest as an infant. I dealt with many problems growing up. In the end my adopted parents turned their backs to me, I am still alone. I suggest that you always keep the doors open even if he does not except your love. eventually he just may come home to you and say thanks. It may take many years, but some of us abused children take many more years to learn how to enjoy life, and accept love from others. I am 32 and I just started my future, a I know what not to do to my children. I still have trouble accepting love from anyone other than my children. You are very special people to take on this challenge, not many are willing. I hope the best for all of you. My tears from your storry are tears of joy, thankyou much. Leslie

;) I guess I wasnt phsicly abused, What r u looking 4..........I know I have issues as an adoptee that will never get resolved. U can get lots of opinions, but the way your child comes out in life is totaly up 2 u....... shadowrai69@tds.net 479-752-8502, if u want to talk.

I know you originally posted some time ago, but as an abused child I would say the most important thing is patience, patience, patience, patience and more patience. As many here have already said, the child will probably find it hard to accept you, will have many issues that they need to come to terms with themselves in their own way. You can help by being supportive and letting them talk if they need to, but their first instinct will more likely be to keep you at a distance so you can't hurt them again. Trusting again is hard after abuse, and you're emotionally drained and numb. It's a difficult barrier to get through, especially in kids. People say kids bounce. They don't, they just absorb the impact. It'll need to come out again at some point. Love is important, but love in my mind boils down to the "best will in the world" factor. Love is what makes you try, and continue to persevere, but that child will need space as well, will need to approach you on their own terms, and it will take a huge amount of time, especially at such an old age (anything older than 7 and you're effectively dealing with a young adult who's been coping on their own since), a larger amount of damage than is immediately visable has been done. That's my opinion, for what it's worth. ;)

Read The Lost Boy...there are others that follow in the series....