When does the guilt go away

Ree- It has been over 17 years for me and I have to say the pain never fully goes away. I had the same feelings you are experiencing... did I do the right thing ? I have to say when I look at everything and I am true to myself I believe I did the right thing. The reason for my choice was because of everything I wanted for him and sometimes we forget that. I remember feeling like I should have just kept him and thats it but then I think it would have been very selfish on my part. Thru the adoption agency I went to I recieved a letter from my sons Amom and I have to say that although I wish he was with me I am so glad he got the Mom he did. She said he says I must be lonely without him and she explained to him that I was married now so I was not alone. Well I am not only married now but I have 2 more sons -- but the loneliness I feel for my son is still there and always will be. I thank God he has the parents he does. I do not know them in an open adoption way just a handfull of letters over the years, but I can say as I wrote to her that yes there is and always will be a empty space in my heart that is his but there is another place in my heart that is not only hisbut his parents that make me feel proud and happy and so much love for all of them it is unexplainable. I feel very fourtunate for them and that my son and I were lucky enough to have them enter my life at a time we were all alone in our own ways... I wish I could tell you that all situations are like this - I know they are not but a lot are... please remember when you are feeling sad and worried if you did the right thing think where Tristen would be if you did not give him the gift of 2 parents and think of how lucky he is that he now has at least 3 parents that love him very much. Try to remember all the reasons you made the choice you did. It is hard I know -- I really do feel for you being there myself and well still being there as you are. If you ever need to talk please let me know... I also would like to leave you with this, in the letter i recieved my sons Mom told me how much I meant to all of them and I truly believe that most adoptive parents feel the same way the only way they may seem different is maybe fear of losing him back to you in the future... I know they respect me and I hope you know that there are a lot of people out there who are proud of you and respect you too. Take care of yourself I hope this helps a little. Cheryl

Your pain and hurt changes. It has been six years and at times it is still painful. But I don't get depressed about it. After 4 years you might want to talk to someone about it. It is normal to be sad at certin times of the year and miss them. It is also normal to not think about them. I love my bdaugher so much. My life has changed and I get busy and that is healthy. If you are crying and going though allot of depression due to the adoption I would go talk to someone. You agency would be a good place to start. You can heal and you can move on. That does not mean you love your child any less.

Ree, I gave my son up for adoption almost 15 years ago and I thought the pain would be gone once I went through my postpartum. I was wrong. My adoption was a half open one where the adoptive parents send me letters and pictures and I send them letters on how my life has been going. Well, yesterday, it dawned on my how much I miss my son. I have gone through today with nothing else on my mind. The unique thing about my situation is that my daughter is his (Joey's) sibling. I think that makes it a little harder for me as I haven't told her yet (she is 8) and I don't know if the adoptive parents have told him yet. So, yes the pain goes away a little. But just so you know, I will always feel the love and know that I did the right thing for him as well as me and the adoptive parents. I do still go through the letters and all every year when his birthday arrives, and it does hurt, although it has hurt more in the last day and if I am right, it is postpartum depression which I know will go away if I think of what I do have. Hope this helps you.

Ree... I gave up my daughter almost two years ago and I can honestly say that I don't think that I will ever heal from it. I keep playing that what if's. I know that it is hard to accept, but I know that I have made the right choices as far as my daughter is concerned. I know that she is happy, and I know of her accomplishments. I have an open adoption, which does help out a lot, but at night, I will stare at her picture and I dream of having her here with me. But, by the time I get done dreaming about it, I know that I made the right choice, even though sometimes, in my heart I don't agree with it.

Hi! It will only be a year Sept.11 for me. I gave my son up. And my other two girls ask me all the time mommy why did you have to give our baby brother up. And I have to tell them that I could not take care of him at that time. And the cry cause they think it is all there fault. Some times I just sit down and cry cause iam so hurt for what I did. But i thought it was for the best. The adoptive parents have been nice to us. The let us see him about once every 3 mo. And let me tell you it is so hard for us when he has to leave. Sometimes it is so hard I don't want them to bring him back. But then I set down and think Well at least he will know that we love him and care about him...I just wish i could give my girls the comfort that they need to get trough this. I try ,but sometimes it is just as hard on me....What can I do??? Amanda

Dear Ree I am new to this forum. It will have been 4 years in november since i gave my baby girl up for adoption. I still doubt my decision almost on a daily basis. But there are days when the thought doesnt even cross my mind then i feel guilty. Because i dont think i have the right to just forget and move on. This might sound a little crazy but i beat myself up about it. I sometimes even convince myself that i am such an awful person i shouldnt even be able to have more children. Because how could you give up one and keep another? Im not saying this to offend anyone. I want nothing more than to have a family. I just feel like such an awful person. When i made my decision i honestly knew i was doing the right thing. And the couple i chose seems great they can give her everything she needs and wants both mentally and physically. But i spin myself off into a world of what ifs. Mabye i could have done it. I also worry about what if she wants to meet me when shes 18. What would i say? is there really a good reason? Would saying i was a teenager who couldnt even support myself be a good excuse? I dont know i was all alone had no support. I pray that i have done the right thing. And i only hope that one day she will understand. Im sorry this is all over the place but i havent really talked to anyone about this and it feels good to know that there are other people who understand Thank-you Amanda

Hi, I have been in reunion with my daughter now for 7 months -- after 36 years. I was one of the "dark age" moms where everything was closed and secret -- you were not to talk about your loss, acknowledge pain, just keep quiet, pretend it never happened and go on with your life. I never got to see my daughter grow up, but had a picture of her the day they took her from the hospital ("illegal" picture from a kind nurse). That was all, without that picture it would have been as if she never was born -- for all the pressure to deny that was heaped my way. She was born late November (around Thanksgiving) so as I matured it fell into a yearly routine that I would be depressed from Thanksgiving, thru my Birthday and Christmas and then would feel okay the day after Christmas. It was like that was my own designated private mourning time for our loss -- the rest of the year I would thing of her now and then but life did go on. Not how I envisioned it in my youth but years pass. I really believe if there had been grief support groups (because this was like a death) and perhaps counsellors who had a clue (these are few and far between even today) about what was eating away at the core of so many first moms, that more women who have gone thru this would be more emotionally and physcially healthy today. But today there are in-person support groups available, women who are in your shoes or have been there who are joining together to support each other. Here you can go and meet other women who share your pain first hand and whenever possible you should avail yourselves of them. Do not let your second guessing, guilt, sadness devour you and set you up for worse problems down the line. You have done the best you could in a very hard situation and now it time for you get the TLC you need and to not feel alone with your burdens. It was strange, in order to really communicate with my daughter, I had to recognize first that I had frozen her and a part of me in time -- she was no longer that teensy little girl with the name I so lovingly chose for her -- She is an adult with a totally different name and life history. Aishlin