Advertisements
As with most situations involving emotions and feelings, I think it is impossible to categorize one's experience in contacting bioParents as "generally" positive or negative.
In my personal experience, it has been positive. There are many threads here on the forum that share the pain of a negative experience and others that share a positive experience. Unfortunately there is no way to predict.
Have you located your bioParents? If you have or if you are searching, the only thing I would want to stress is to not have unrealistic expectations. Try to be prepared to accept whatever happens. Patience and understanding is extremely important in my opinion. Share what is happening here on the forum and you will find much support.
Best of Luck to you! :)
Advertisements
Hi jseek21 -
In my own life, yes, I have had a positive experience in my reunion. But please remember that it was a 50/50 chance of being good. There's many adoptees and bparents out there that have had bad experiences and their reunions weren't as good.
When I made the decision to search, I had to dig deep into my heart and had to come to terms with the fact that my bmom might have turned her back on me.
I hope as you search that you keep positive thoughts, but please be prepared just in case.
Best of luck to you!!!
Duchie-
My bmom found me when my first child was two months old. It was freaky, but I was excited and we started emailing. She emailed daily. We met four months later while I was spending Thanksgiving with my amom and my a-step-dad. I FREAKED OUT! My son fed off my anxiety and cried the whole time. We left earlier than expected. She was hurt. We continued emailing. I started getting more uncomfortable. Nine months or so after the initial contact, I told her to stop emailing and contacting me. She complied except for cards now and then. My son is 4.5 now. I didn't expect to react this way and it may have been different if I had found her instead of the other way around.
She just wanted way more from me than I could give and I was way too freaked out finding out so very much about myself after knowing nothing for so long. And, I'm horrified to admit, I'm somewhat ashamed of my bfamily. My afamily wasn't always the happiest of times and seeing how miserable my bfamily was, as well, was too depressing.
I'm glad I have the info, although in the shock of the moment I've repressed a lot of it and most of my emails got erased when I switched servers. She sent me pictures which I gave back to her when I met her. I wish I'd kept those.
That's my story.
Everyones reunion experience is as different as is each individual.
I believe that compassion, understanding, patience and keeping your expectations to a minimum is important.
Not sitting in judgement and accepting people for who they are goes a long way in reunion. Respecting each other as individuals and allowing each other time to reach their comfort zone would also be something to keep in mind.
Have I had a positive experience - for me reunion has been wonderful. I would add though that my birthmother and I were very similiar in our attitude and our thoughts and the way we expressed them. Its often not what you say, its how you say it.
Advertisements
I was 16 when I accidently got pregnant and I had the most beautiful baby boy in April of 1999 he is know 5 and just before christmas this year his aparents told him he was adopted. This naturally confused him (being only 4 1/2) but he knows. The way i felt when i found out they told him was better than anything i have ever felt in my whole life. I never thought that feeling was possible after the pain and heartache i felt after the adoption. It is an Angels work and i truely believe that Dominick's (my Son) Aparents are angels that came here just to raise my son and help me by being the best two people in the world. I love them almost as much as i love my son. and they love my son almost as much as i do.
I found my birthmom and half-sister. I got to meet them both. I am glad I found them and got to meet them. However, there was not an instant connection, like I have sometimes had with women who end up becoming close friends. I am still in touch with my birth-family though e-mail, but blood is not neccesarily thicker than water.
:) I have had a wonderful experience in finding my birth mother. After 23 years of not knowing who she was I finally found her and now we have a great start in life to get to know each other and develop our mother daughter relationship. I found out that my mother was looking for me as well and decided that it would be best if I found her instead of her finding me. I searched for 6 years and finally in 2003 found her. I discovered that I had brothers and sisters and now I am in the search for my younger sister that was taken from my mother when she was 5 and placed for adoption by CPS and I am getting close to finding her I do believe. I would encourage anyone that is looking for a relative, lost friend, or lost love from school KEEP UP the searching. There is always a silver lining that opens for everyone.
Advertisements
Growing up I was always curious about what my Birth Mother looked like, and if I had any siblings, but thought the chances of finding them were so low that it would be a waste of time to try and find them. At 34 I recieved a letter from the adoption agency saying they had updated info on my Birth Mother, and a number to call the post adoption coordnator. I was flabbergasted, never in a million years did I think I would be contacted. To make a long story short, I signed and notorized some papers authorizing them to release the info they had, family history etc, and not only on her, but the birth Father too, within two weeks I had pictures and was talking on the phone to both of them, turns out they had married years after I was born, but had divorced by the time I made contact with them. I have met my Birth Mother, and plan on meeting my Birth Father soon. We talk on the phone a couple of times a month. I have one brother, was hoping I had sisters too. Their story was typical, they were both in high school and her parents all but forced her to give me up, and they did so without his permission by putting a legal notice in the paper. The biggest shock of finding my birth parents is that my birth Mother is Jewish, which makes me Jewish, kind of comical in a way. Through all this, my adoptive parents have and always will be my parents, they are irreplaceble, I was very much loved and provided for growing up, something I might not have had, if I had remained with my birth parents. My life is more complete now that I know who I came from and who I look like, but my happiness did not depend on it if i hadn't.
I can't call it a negative experience with my bmom, more like neutral. She has decided not to have contact with me.
I have had really positive one with my bdad though. I found him in Aug 2004 and it was like I met myself! We are a lot alike in personality and appearance and he is the only person who has been completely honest with me about the circumstances surrounding my birth. These last few months have been very healing for me.
My bparent's story is also a typical one too. They were very young and made a mistake. My bmom's oldest brother (she had 7 brothers and 7 sisters)and his wife privately adopted me at birth. I did not know I was adopted until I was a teen and was shocked to learn that my bmom was my favourite aunt.
I imagine that bmom had a difficult time with having to give me up but then having to watch me grow up and pretend that she was my aunt. I have put the control in her hands but there has been no contact for a long time. Finding my bdad was like someone turned the light on!
Alison
I was always asked if I ever had a chance to find my Bio/mom, what would I say or do. I have always said that if this were to happen, I would say, " THANK YOU."
Because if it wasn't for her decision, I wouldn't of had such great parents and brother (who was adopted as well).
It's been almost 11 years now since we made contact. I just had my second daughter and after being pregnant, I knew deep down inside that this must have been the hardest decision ever, which I knew she had to leave with the fear of the unknown for the rest of her life. So when the phone call happened, she called and asked me if this was Susan, I said yes, is this Helen, she said yes. But then she asked if I wouldn't mind calling her Terri, because Helen sounded like she was a big woman, or like Helen of Troy. I laughed and in turn I too asked if she'd call me Sue, cuz' when I was called Susan, this usually meant I was in trouble. Then the first question she asked me (as you could hear in her voice the fumbling/fear), " did you have a good life?" This is when I told her, "Yes, and by the way people always would ask what would I say if you and I ever got the chance. THANK YOU, because I never would have had my parents and brother who were very loving. For this I owe you more than you'll ever know." You could hear the weight being lifted off of her at that moment. You could tell she wasn't expecting to hear THANK YOU, as she replied holding back the tears and the crackle in her voice, "Oh my god thank you, I always needed to know and wondered all these years if I had made the right decision. Because you have always been in my heart and soul."
Well for me, it's was amazing the first talk, then the first letter (journal), the very first meeting in person. I have been so blessed to have had, my adopted mom and dad who loved me unconditionally and brother, but I'm even luckier to have the continued love and support as well as contact with my Biological Mumm and my 1 half brother and 2 half sisters that have taken me into their lives as if it we just haven't seen each other in a couple of years. It was so natural, I was more afraid of the other siblings and their feelings. I never wanted to make them feel like the first born/big sister was taking over now. No, in fact if anything I make sure that when they call mom, mom I let them, but I don't say MOM, I have said Terri or Nanny Terri (my first born gave her that title so this is now carried on through all families).
The success and relief that came out of this was worth so very much. I hope my brother who is looking right now get's at the very least, a positive phone connection. Not everyone can, for this the only comment I can say, is for a birthmother to put up a child for adoption, this is so very hard. Sometimes when there is a connection that may have gone sour, or not at all, this could be because of the guilt and fears that they have lived with for all the years to survive. My Mumm told me, after going through some counseling that she needed to mourn me as if I had passed away. As hard as that sounds, it truly makes sense if you're not sure if you'll ever meet again. Believe me, being a mom and knowing her, they carry so much inside of their heart, it hurts. So if there is anyother kids born later on, this advise does really help to put things in perspective.
GOOD LUCK TO ANYONE WHO REUNITES>>>>>>>>>>