post reunion relationships

I feel for you. It's so difficult for other people to understand the whole adoption triangle situation - luckly my husband is supportive and would give me that space but I could imagine it's difficult for less secure people. Hang in there - perhaps try and get your wife onto this forum so she can try to understand adoption or get her to read the Primal Wound - that will open her eyes somewhat! Best of luck!

Scottyedward: I have also reunited this year with b/mother, b/father, two full blood brothers and full blood sister. I felt like I had been reborn - my goodness, at last what I had been searching for all these years. The feelings are so intense and I liken it to falling in love - where the only priority in your life is this person. For me - my husband , friends and children took a back seat for quite some time. While it is important to have this time with your new found family and a certain amount of freedom to find out about each other I can only say make sure it doesn't consume you. This is coming from my own personal experience. I was lucky that my husband did not give me an ultimatum but I tell you what, it nearly got to that point. I understand the feelings and emotions that come with reunion and the need to spend time with your new family but always remember the people that have been there loving you and supporting you before reunion. Was your wife supportive of you searching? Was she pleased when initial contact was made? She may have wanted to have been part of this new family of yours and with you shutting her out she may be hurting inside. Perhaps she feels that threatening to leave is the only way to make you realise that she is important too. I don't know enough to comment, I can only share what happened with me. You should not have to loose one family in order to gain another - to me that just doesn't seem right. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor together - a neutral party can work wonders.

Sounds to me that it is very wise that the two of you are going to counseling. Not only is your 15 year marriage at stake, but the family, as your 12 year old child knows it is at stake. You state that your wife "hates my bmother". Does she really hate your bmother or does she hate the way YOU have been acting? Would you be comfortable if your wife spent time with another man right in front of you and did not even acknowledge you, and then laid down together and held each other during the night? The fact that you mentioned "nothing intimate" happened indicates to me that it was thought about. When people marry, their spouse should be the most important person to them. That's not to say you ignore your parents, adoptive or biological, but you certainly should consider your spouse your priority. Were you unable to talk to your spouse and daughter for 10 minutes PRIOR to meeting your bfamily? I don't blame your wife for threatening to leave. Your behavior would be difficult for any woman to condone. If you truly don't want to lose your wife and daughter, show them by making them a priority. I would not recommend asking your wife to read "The Primal Wound". It is a controversial theory, nothing more. Unless you want her to view you as some helpless victim here I feel it would be a mistake. You are a grown man, a husband and father. It is up to you to choose how you react to this situation. If indeed there is GSA with your bioMother have the counselor help you deal with it. There would be no reason you should have to lose either relationship if you treated both relationships in the reality of what they are ~ Wife & daughter ~ bioMother & biofamily. Seems to me you have blurred the lines and boundaries. Best of Luck. I sincerely hope you don't lose the reality of your life with your wife and daughter.

Scotty, I agree with DLouis. I am a birthmother, and I hope to reunite with my son someday. But I feel that the way you AND your birthmother have dealt with the situation is inappropriate. Genetic Sexual Attraction is a very real issue, I'm sure, but it's no excuse for shutting out your wife and family in favor of your birthmother. I do not think it is appropriate that a married man lay down and "hold" another woman during the night. It is inappropriate on your birthmother's part as well as your own, and the fact that there is GSA involved only makes this behavior more reckless on both of your parts. I'm glad you found your birthfamily and have developed a good relationship with them. That is very encouraging to me, as a birthmother. But I'm very sorry to hear about your treatment of your wife and child. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but what you are doing is flat-out wrong. You need to get your priorities in order, and so does your birthmother. Your first priority should be your wife and child. You are a man, not a child. Your first loyalty must be to your wife and child, not your mother. Besides being a birthmother, I have a twelve-year-old child I'm raising, just as you do. I cannot imagine how difficult and confusing all this must be for your daughter. I implore you to use your judgement (you have spoken honestly about the situation, and I feel you ARE at least aware that there's a problem with all this) and back away from this relationship with your bmother before it destroys your family. Later, after everyone has worked through their issues in counseling and is able to handle reunion in a more adult and responsible way, you can always pick up the relationship with your b-relatives again. But for now, it is not a relationship that is doing you or them any good, and it is bound to have a terrible effect on your relationship with your wife and child. As much as you feel you need your bmother, your daughter needs you ten times more. You're an adult, but your daughter is still a child, and you are her parent. If your feelings about your bmom are causing you to neglect and "shut out" your own daughter, then there is a serious problem. Please continue to work hard in counseling, and try to focus on the things that matter most. Your responsibility to your child is the most important thing, and part of that responsibility involves having a workable relationship with your child's mother, which you and your bmom are sabotaging at the moment. If I am ever fortunate enough to have a relationship with my birthson, I would sacrifice it in an instant if I thought it was causing him to neglect his own wife and child. Good luck to you, ~ Sharon

I just want to thank everyone that makes posts and replies to the posts on this site.I am an adult adoptee and have found my bfamily,and new to this site.I am finding this site to be very helpful,as we all go through changes in our lives.I would like to thank the people who responded to my first post,and to tell you I think all of the responces do raise valid points.Thank you for the feedback!

I have had postings of my daughter who was born june 13 1981 in atlanta ga. and died in lee county alabama 11-23-1981. on her birth-certificate the father was not on theire. at the time when she got sick he was trting to get custody of her. i found out she was in a foster home in lee county and on her death certificate steve put lisa marie hinnant and her birth-dau may 13 1981. how can he change her name without making it legal?maybe she was in a foster home while he was getting a dna test done so he could get custody of her since he did not sign the birth-certificate. she had 3 causes of death. i can only read one of the. i have called the hospital, the coroners ,the cemetery and funeral director and none of them have any records. her doctor richmond m freeman also did the autopsy on her. they said they do not have any records. i have called and written to the center for health statistics and once they told me i was not authorized to get that kind of information.i told her i needed to know what she died from. i am gettting no where. thank you. melody pruitt.

saelbu...Im 35, female as well. Experiencing big difficulties due to GSA with my bfather. Nothing appropiate. He doesnԴt know my feelings. My husband was my true love and best friend...now I feel as having TWO. Its embarassing, its painful, its unspeakable, its frightning an dits dangerous!!! How can I make this subside? Bfather and I very close, should I tell him so we can work it out better? Will it be worse? Will this "confession" will make me loose him??? Hope to talk to you soon.....

Hello Barb, I read your thread,and I wish you luck.My b-mom and myself have also experienced difficulties with GSA.We differ from you in that we were both aware of our feelings.We even acted upon them,as well as getting caught in the process.I found my b-family about a year and a half ago.This happened almost 9 months ago now.I almost lost my wife and daughter because of this.My wife has been my true love and best friend for 18 years.We went to therapy for several months as well as our daughter(14).I have that to thank for keeping our family together.Even now its a daily working process,it has been hard for them to forgive me,although we have made great progress.We still have a ways to go.Because of my b-moms actions as well as my own the rest of my b-familys relationships have suffered great setbacks.Our actions brought about much more harm than good,so with that said I wish you luck.

I'm a bmum and in reunion with my 23year old bson so also understand problems encountered with reunion. One thing I haven't had a problem with is GSA and have quietly sighed with relieve over that issue as I've read a number of threads where this is a real problem. My bson and I are probably too much alike in temperament anyway and on the three occasions we have met my maternal instincts just took over despite him being the age he is and being 10 ins taller than me :). I truly believe that it is something that should be faced and dealt with as it can be so damaging for all concerned if the situation isn't dealt with. Being able to have a good and happy reunion is so important for all concerned so feel sad for those with GSA issues as it a real concern that needs resolving for their own happiness. Montravia :)

I realize this isn't exactly the same thing, but maybe it will help in some way. My husband is considerably older than I am and has an adult daughter. Their relationship has always been very close. When I first met her, I was somewhat taken back by the way she would lay with my husband on the couch, the way they would "cuddle" together. As time has passed now though, they do it less and less. My analysis of the situation is this: my husband's first marriage was truly awful and he found affection with his daughter, not in an inappropriate way but just the touching, holding that we all need as human beings. She always considered herself "daddy's girl" and still does. I think when she first met me and saw how her father and I shared affection, it was shocking to her to see her father being affectionate with someone else, so she reacted by blatantly being affectionate with him to show me where I stood. Like I said, now time has passed and we've learned to accept each other's relationship with my husband. This behavior has subsided. They are still close and talk on the phone a lot. I don't get too involved in their conversations, I figure they need that relationship and of course, there's nothing wrong with it and it doesn't threaten my relationship with my husband in any way. Hopefully you will be able to work out your feelings with your birthmom & your wife. I can understand the desire to have physical contact with your birth family. (I forgot to mention I'm an adoptee.) I know I love to hug and cuddle my pre-school son, and I think I do it more than some other mothers because he's the only blood relative in my life right now. But you really do have to consciously realize where the limits are. Don't let yourself get so caught up in the emotions that you forget what the relationship is, between a mother and son. Keep up the therapy. It's important to work this out. You don't want to end up trading in one family for another. If you did that you would end up hurting all over again. Maybe you've gotten so wrapped up in the emotion of finding this person who is like yourself that it's confused you. You MUST remember that this is your mother, this is a different kind of love relationship. Maybe it's a kind you've never experienced before, so you're having trouble figuring out how to work it into your life. I sincerely hope you work through this with your therapist's help. I wish you good luck.