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My husband and I were granted visitation with our Grandson, Kristopher when he was about two years old in Gwinnette County, GA. Unfortunately our ex-son-in-law moved around in order to keep us from having the visitation and the judge refused to do anything about his being in contempt of court. By the time Shea was 4-1/2 he had been moved over 18 times. We decided hat it was in his best interest for us to not pursue the visitation. The ex-s-i-l had my daughter's parental rights taken away and his wife adopted Shea thus making us "as perfect strangers" to him (court wording) and now HER parents are his legal maternal grandparents. Throughout the years, when I had an address we always sent cards but they were sent back with "return to sender" written on them. I have located Shea once more after over 8 years. He is now 15. I called his father and asked if we could see him and was told "No!" We feel that we should wait until he is 18 until approaching him as then he would legally be out from under his father's influence. We have all of the court records, documentation of his father's refusal to let us see him, actual tapes of his paternal grandfather telling us we would be arrested for trespassing if we came on their property in order to get Shea for our court ordered visitation. I would appreciate any input from others as to their feelings about what age he should be before we contact him. He has two sisters, Tori, age 12, and Jordan, age 10 who would give anything to see him not to mention his mother. Our hearts have grieved so over his absence from our lives and we know that his father has told him nothing but lies about our side of the family and about the circumstances surrounding why his father has custody of him instead of his mother.
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My heart goes out to you -- what a difficult situation!
I think as a practical question you need to wait until your grandson is out of his father's house -- either at college or living on his own -- before you will be able to contact him. A lot depends on his circumstances and feelings as to when he will be "ready" to hear from you, but IMO you could certainly approach him when he reaches 18.
You obviously have a lot of bitterness toward his father for what he has done to you, but your grandson is not likely to share it, and may be reluctant to have a relationship with you if you make an issue of it. My brother went through a very bitter divorce but despite his ex-wife's lies his now grown children have resumed their relationship with our parents, their grandparents. But no one has forced them to take sides, and I think that is crucial.
Certainly you should tell your grandson that you tried over the years to contact him, but that his father refused to allow it. But don't expect him to necessarily share your bitterness. No matter how he feels about his father, hopefully he will welcome the new relationship you are offering him.
Mary Jane
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Thanks for your reply. We, too, feel that it will be better to wait until he is 18 until we approach him directly. We are sending cards at holidays and on his birthday. The last two have not come back, so I don't know if his father has just decided to ditch them or if Shea actually got them. We do have a lot of bitterness toward his father but we have never let Shea be aware of it. When we had him and he would say something about his Daddy we would always smile and answer whatever he said. As I told my daughter, always, we don't want to become involved in her side or his side, all we have ever wanted to do was to be able to love Shea and be in his life. However, if Shea were to ask me why we weren't in his life all these years then I think we would have to answer and explain exactly what had happened. If he were to question the validity of what we say, we have the back-up documents, photos, and tapes to show that we are telling the truth. Thanks again!
Lyn
