3 new children

Hi, it is tough when kids pull this at night time becuase if your like me at night I'm exhaussted. It partly could of been staying up later has back fired on us too , they get more tired and cranky. I also think a month isn't really enough time. Have you tried talking to her and finding out what it is that makes her cry at night. I don't know if sexual abuse was at all a issue but this could be the time that her preditor went to her. Maybe ressuring her that as long as she is in your house that nothing will ever happen to her in day or night time. I also do a star chart with my children and they get starts for certain things and double stars for big things (like bed time) after so many stars they get to spin the wheel . The spin the wheel is something i made it has rewards on it like( Dinners desert of your choice, i hr at the park, rent a movie, family game of your choice, having a friend over, and I make it to where they can accomplish spinning the wheel every few days , too keep it fresh in their minds and keep it to something that you can follow through with. Sorry I rambled alittle but hope this helps Good Luck

My son is hard to get to sleep. If he hasnt had a nap in the afternoon its worse. Tonight I read 8 childrens books while lying in bed with him. Last night it was 10. When we have a more set schedule he is more apt to sleep after the first or second but when things are disruptive he has had to much candy or hasnt played outside he is more restless. My suggestion is to set bedtime an hour earlier. Sometimes they fight sleep and need to get it out of thier system, with a gentle reminder we need to settle down or playing with the child for the hour that way you can monitor how rowdy the play becomes and direct it to a more calming and relaxing atmosphere. Maybe mellow childrens music or reading a book with a rythmic story and make you voice gentle. Its all trial and error. Sometimes you have to be inventive, like a tent made of blankets or you bed is a ship in the ocean. Remember slumber parties as a kid and mom always saying good night girls and everyone giggled long into the night and eventually feel asleep.

My ex-foster daughter was difficult to get to bed. I remember reading in a book that it is a common problem, but I don't remember what the book recommended. What worked for us was that after I read her the story she had picked, and the story I had picked, then I read a boring book. She'd fall asleep within a couple minutes while I was reading something she considered boring. One time I had to hold her hand too. It sounds like you are using Consequences, but I don't know if they qualify as 'Logical' ones, are you trying to follow the "Love and Logic" discipline? Are you remembering to use plenty of the 'love' part? I'd think instead of taking away allowance, which doesn't have anything to do with bedtime, would not qualify as logical, I'm not sure what would. Maybe saying (in a very sympathetic loving tone of voice) that since she isn't sleeping on time tonight, she'll need to go to bed earlier tomorrow night. I'm not sure how much earlier for each infraction, maybe an additional 5 minutes each time? And then you could say in a very loving way how sad it is for her to lose out on those extra minutes to stay up the next night.

thank you all for your replies< I appreciate the input.

I've thought of another thing I read, that concerns punishing the child for crying. I will have to paraphrase what I remember, because I don't know which book it was in. It said that when newly adopted (or foster) children start to tantrum or cry, that it triggers their feelings about their other losses. So that with a normal secure child it can be appropriate to ignore them when they cry, with a child that has losses, it is important to comfort them. For example, your child starting crying because she wasn't allowed to stay up and play, but if this book was right, once she started crying her feelings triggered feeling alone, unloved, lost from her family, that she is a bad child, etc etc. So instead of punishing her, she would have been bettered handled to hold her and assure her of your love, and of course add that because you love her, her siblings, and yourself, you need to enforce bedtime. Also, a different book, the Love and Logic book I think, said not to specify punishments at the time. Such as, don't say 'if you don't stop what you are doing I will take away your allowance', instead say 'if you don't stop what you are doing, I will have to think up a punishment and I will let you know tomorrow what it is'. I found that advice priceless with my foster daughter, because by the next day I could actually think up an appropriate and logical punishment.

Hi, Bed time can be such a difficult time ... everyone is tired and sometimes cranky and when it doesn't go smoothly everyone goes to bed feeling awful. Doing something quiet and soothing before bed time is a way to get kids ready for going to bed. A stimulating activity actually increases energy and then kids have a hard time calming down. So a bath or reading or talking quietly are good ways to calm down energy. If children aren't ready to go to sleep at their bed time, perhaps they can be allowed to read quietly in bed, play with a toy in bed, or listen to quiet music as they settle in. Sometimes children have fears about the dark, or being in bed (if they have been sexually abused). Kids also have nightmares and other fears that we may not know about. One of my sons was afraid that there was 'someone' in his closet and felt secure when the closet door was open. So it's important to listen to children when they cry, to find out what their fears are and to comfort them. If they are wound up emotionally, fearly and crying they are not ready to sleep. Best wishes, NancyNic

I also have three children (2 bio and 1 adopted), what we had to do at bedtime was send them to bed at seperate times. The one that gives us the biggest problem usually goes to bed first, then after about 15 minutes we send the second 1 or two. Our ason had just turned 7 and he shared a room with my oldest 10 at the time. My ason usually went to bed around 8 or 8:30 but if my oldest went to bed around that time my ason would sit and bed talk all night and would not shut up and let everybody go to sleep. So he would always have to go to bed first, after a few weeks of having to go to bed first (sometimes at 7:30) he did learn to be quiet and go to sleep. If it is your oldest you could try sending her to bed first (no toys, teddy bears, pillow whatever she may play with), sending her to bed 30 - 45 minutes before the others may help. Maybe just let the others sleep in a different room, living room, family room etc, until they learn to go to bed normally. nancynic also had a good point about reasons for crying at bedtime, that is also very good advice, my ason used to cry at night quietly in his bed, my oldest finally got tired of listening to it and made him go and tell us what was wrong. Come to find out his bmom and stepdad used to tell him if he got out of bed at night the man in the closet would kill him if he got out of bed. This helped us learn a lot (our ason was still wetting the bed due to this emotional stress about possibly getting killed at night). We removed the closet door in their bedroom, hallway outside of their room and installed a couple of night lights leading to the bathroom so he was not totally in th dark when he had to use the bathroom at night (these lights also illuminated the closets so he could see nobody was in there).

Hi, I loved what you wrote about removing closet doors and making sure night lights were available ... these things show children that they are important and listened to ... that when they trust enought to talk about their fears, they will be taken seriously and attended to ... that's what caring for children is all about. Thanks! Nancy

nancynic, We couldn't think of anything else so that is what we did. We just recently decided that we were going to put a door back on the hallway closet and the boys actually like no closet door so we are going to leave that open (it is a walk in closet so it just looks like a little room). They have been off for over a year but he is no longer scared at night. We still have a night light in the hallway but not in the bed room, no more bed wetting either.

Hi, Isn't it great when you do something that works! It's important to be creative and try new things and to try to see things from you child's perspective! NancyNic

all of your repsones are appreciated - we have actually had a couple good nights. We tried the approach of more praise when they do brush their teeth, go pee, put on their jammies, etc. and thanked them for doing so and once they got into bed we chatted for a few minutes maybe about what was going on the next day and what time they had to get out of bed, and then we had lots of hugs and kisses and they were ready for sleep. i appreciate all of the advise and i look forward to hearing from all of you again. i agree with that once they start crying that it sends them to a very sad place in their minds and when the last couple times that has happened i held them and said it was ok to cry and that i would be right here for them and i would just hug them until they felt better and when they were done crying they were fine. i am glad there is a forum out like this one its nice to be able to talk to others about this situation.

You know, it's funny that you should mention allowing your daughter to stay up later. When the kids are involved in something and playing nicely, I often think, "Oh, they're quiet and happy. I'll let them stay up a little longer." I've quickly learned that, by doing that, I'm doing no one ANY favor. These extended bedtimes always result in the worst tempor tantrums ever. My children have quickly learned that you do not throw tempter tantrums. However, when they are tired, they are simply exhausted and don't think clearly. Needless to say, we make sure we get in to bed on time--no exceptions. Everyone is happier that way!

Lisa I have a 30 month old fd who I have spoiled rotten. We have had her since birth and after 10 years of trying to have another child, well you can guess how she must be doted on. She is into the terrible twos now and is beginning to throw some doosie of some temper tanrums. Especially since we got the twins, or when I am on the phone, usually with one of the caseworkers. (Smart kids). Anyway, how have you taught your children to NOT have temper tantrums. I have had 2 children (bio) that are now 19 and 17. My son (19) has always just been quiet, and 17 year old always had smart mouth. Neither were tantrum throwers. As for their discipline, spankings were acceptable forms of discipline , and was used when needed. Since she is a foster child ( and I have stopped spankings for even my bio children about 6 years ago) and cannot be spanked, what are your suggestions? Or anyones suggestions. I have two very respectful and well behaved responsible great bio kids. I just want to make sure our fd (who we hope to adopt) turns out the same way.

When I was little my parents would let us listen to children's tapes (songs or stories) at night. This kept us entertained if we couldn't fall asleep, and if we were tired the tapes were not loud enough to keep us from falling asleep, which usually happened.

My oldest daughter, the one attending Yale university, was a major tantrum thrower for a while. Somewhere in the years of two and three. We simply removed her to her bedroom and told her she could come out when she could act appropriately. We just ignored her screams. She usually cried herself to sleep and when she woke up she was fine again. She soon learned these fits were of no benifit to her in any way and quit having them. Best of luck.