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Our son was placed with us 10 years ago by DCFS. We opted to exchange addresses with both sides of the birth family. They have both kept in touch over the years through letters, cards and phone calls and visits on the birthfather's side by the Grandmother. Well, grandma died and her son's wife has stepped in to keep in contact with us.
I am all for contact because I believe that truth is the healthiest situation for our son and I want him to know that everyone loves him. So we met his birthfather again, and his wife and two kids around Thanksgiving. They stop by and call regularly now. Our son kind of hangs in the background and contributes to the conversation when he feels like it. Like a 12 year old. My husband and I (mainly me) are basicaly maintaining the relationship. DS seems fine with the situation.
Well, his birthmom has been writing regularly also so I told her about Grandmas death. I also gave her our phone number and she called. DS was not ready to talk to her so I talked to her and she was very happy. I try to be sensitive to our son's feelings as this is all about him as far as I'm concerned. I had his permission to give her our phone #. My son says he is not ready to talk to her and she has 3 kids and 3 stepkids, so that feels overwhelming to him. I told her that he needed time, but that her time will come. I reminded her that she has the rest of their lives.
So, I am looking for input from adoptees and anyone else with experience with birth family contact with a 12 year old. I want to be sensitive to my son's needs, feelings and developmental stage. He is entering teenage years and already has many of the hallmarks of this age, like pimples and a deeper voice. I know it is good for his identity forming to know all the players in his early life. I want to give him this with s firm and secure foundation in our family and with the unconditional love of his parents. The birth parents were both very young when our son was born. They both have gotten it together and are doing well.
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I'm a newly reunited bmom. My bdau is 15. I commend you for keeping your son's best interests first. I believe that when he is ready for contact, he will let you know.
I think adolescent years are all about one thing - "fitting in with your friends." It must be strange to try to explain such a unique family situation to your buddies at 12. If I put myself in his shoes, I think my number priority would be hangin' with the guys.
Because you are so open and supportive, I think whatever he chooses with regard to his birth family will be the right thing. And I'm sure his birthmother agrees that his needs come first.
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My daughter Gloria is 11 and her birthmother tried to contact us when she was 9. Gloria's birthmother was extremely pushy and rude. She demanded to talk to my daughter, and we almost had to get a restraining order. Her mother was only 22 at the time, so I guess she didn't really know what to do with what she was feeling, but we finally got her to understand that when Gloria is ready she'll contact her mother.
I don't know if it was wrong that we didn't give Gloria the option or not, but she was only 9 at the time. She wouldn't even of understood the situtaion
I totally agree that it is up to the parents to protect their minor child from any influences that may be damaging to their kid. I have known this birthmom for 10 years off and on. We have had quite a few written messages and she called us and talked to me when I gave her our phone number. She shows respect for us as his parents and has come a long way in the last 10 years towards accepting the loss of her son.
On the other hand my daughter's birthdad wrote to us requesting contact. We wrote back asking what he would tell her about the circumstances around his losing parental rights and a list of other questions. His reply letter was so full of blaming everyone but himself that we decided to give it some time. He also had lots of other reasons to not allow contact. It was a good decision but since that time he has been killed and she will not see him again. She is very sad.
So it is difficult to know what is right but we can only do our best. Take Care,