New to site but not to adoption....

Welcome! It sounds like your adoption experience has been amazing! I have found this site to be incredibly helpful!

Welcome! You sound like a pro at this! We hope you feel welcome here and are glad you have joined us! Take Care, LBL:)

Kathleen, How in the world do you do it? I guess I should back up a bit. I was adopted as were my 2 brothers and 1 sister (bio sister). Recently my bro and his girlfriend had their children taken into custody (Dec 02). They have both relinguished their parental rights so the girls are available for adoption. They are currently living with us. We were afraid that they would be adopted by strangers and they would never receive the gospel but also that we would never see them again. Now that they are here with us our world seems upside down. The "honeymoon" period is over. My bios are ds 12 dd6 ds 5 dd 1 my nieces are 2,3, and 4. I am a stay at home mom and I homeschool. We have always enjoyed the time we share as a family and homeschooling provided more time together. However, I feel so stressed out that I am not finding joy in my day. My kids are starting to be mean to each other and not minding and my husband feels like our life is turned upside down and isn't sure he wants to go thru with the adoption. Obviously I am stuck in the middle. If we don't adopt them then I would want another LDS to who would still allow us to be Auntie and Uncle. So here we are. How do you keep your sanity? How do you stay spiritually focused? And when do you manage time alone or with dh? I really am not a nut. But I do feel like I fell out of a tree. Coleen

Hi Coleen, Wow! Your world has been turned upside down! My heart goes out to you, you must feel like you are stuck in a tornado and the wind just won't stop! I just wanted to let you know that the children should still be able to be adopted through LDS FS if you decided that you could not keep them (which by the way I think anyone would undertand!). LDS FS has opened up some of the policy regarding openess in adoptions, so you should be able to keep in touch with them. You could also maybe look for an LDS family that is open to open adoptions. The LDS website itsaboutlove.org is where you can go to look at profiles of prospective adoptive parents or you might check out hopetoadopt.com there are many LDS families on that site also and they are all very supportive. Many of them are already in open adoptions. I didn't mean to barg in on your question to Kathleen, I just wanted to offer some support! I wish you the best! I hope things calm down soon! LBL :)

Hi Coleen, too bad you're not in Utah! We've just been licensed to foster/adopt as of Jan 1 and am waiting not very patiently to expand our family! I have 5 bios from 22 to 7 and the house is just too quiet since the youngest went to school. You should talk to the LDS services close to your home. I'll bet there is someone like me who would love to adopt and even better have an "Aunty" to help love them. I'm sure you'd be able to find a strong LDS family that you can hand-pick yourself. Good luck. Diana

Would like to say thumbs up to LBL and Diana. They had great thoughts on some things that you can do. LBL mentioned a ocuple of great places to look at LDS Families. I pray that you and your family will find peace in your hearts, and lives, no matter which direction you decide to go. You are in my thoughts, Stephanie

Coleen, I too live in AR. My husband and I are in the middle of our homestudy but are wanting to adopt an older child/ren. We are LDS also. I would love to continue talking, as I too am a stay at home mom and although my bio son is not yet old enough for school I am planning on homeschooling! Feel free to private message me. Gail

Sorry to post a second post so soon but I just thought of this. I called LDS FS in OK (it's the closest to AR) and they said something about not doing older children often. I don't know if that meant that they don't get them very often or if they don't do it. But I thought you might like to know that Oklahoma is the closest LDS FS out here AR. Gail

Hi Gail! YOu must be in southern or central AR. I am in northern (just south of Branson) I have spoken with a sister in SLC who assured me there are many LDS families that would love to adopt a sibling group of toddlers. That was a huge relief (just knowing that there is another options lifts alot of weight). We are in the Harrison ward. Feel free to contact me privately anytime I love new penpals with the same lifestyles/experiences. After I reread my first post I had to chuckle. We are active latterday saints with a really stable and secure family, however I think the situation we are in makes us appear unstable and unsecure. We definitely love all of our children and are just struggling to make sure that we are making decisions that are in the best interest of all of us. (including my sanity-although the state makes me crazier than the kids do!) Thank you all for your support and messages both on the forum and privately. hugs, Coleen

Hi! I didn't think you were crazy or unstable or anything, it just sounded like life was crazy, which I am sure it is! Just to clarify what baby said, I am going through LDS FS and we had asked about older children, my SW told me that they do "non-infant" adoptions, just not as many as other agencies do. I think they primarily do infants. But I have a friend of mine that adopted a 6 year old through LDS FS, so I know it is possible. And, by the way, I live in Texas, so we are neighbors! Good luck in your decision. I am sure Heavenly Father will guide you to do what is best for your family and the kiddos. LBL :)

Sorry it's taken me a few days to respond. I've not been at work and my computer at home is on the blink. The other posts have had some good ideas but if the state took custody of the girls, it will be up to them to place the girls rather than you being able to determine that a have them placed through LDS FS. I can totally relate to things being past the "honeymoon" state and having the other kids not getting along. You are at the crucial decision making stage. And your decision is going to be a very hard one. To keep the girls and help your family make the adjustments and yes, the adversary definitely will keep working on your family and the emotions and relationships during that time, is a very hard decision. The adversary definintely doesn't like families and adding to families through adoption is an avenue that he can play havoc with since there are more decisions to be make a lot of times with adoption and he can tempt things is adoption decisions. He causes discord and tempers to flare and this doesn't help with decision making. What you need to detemine is if your family is ready to make this big of an adjustment, to have 3 new members all at once. I'm sure you love these girls but your children need to come first. Your immediate family is what needs to be most important and if this decision is going to be more harmful to their well being then you may well need to help find another placement for the girls. Our experience with that is it's best to have a family meeting about it, check with each child and get their input on the decision, and then also talk with each of them privately and see if there are any feelings they had that they didn't want to express in the family meeting. It also takes a lot of prayer and consideration by you as parents. Then we make a list of the pros and cons of the situation and pray about each one and then go from there. We had to make a very difficult similar situation in October of this last year. We had the older sister of the foster daugther we are in the process of adopting with us and we had to decide to keep both of them, one or the other of them or neither of them. It was very hard to decide to keep one and not the other but it would have given us 3 kids basically of the same age (12 now) just becoming teenagers and we just couldn't see ourselves being able to handle that situation. In keeping the foster daughter we did keep, and I hate to use those words (keep or not keep) because it makes them sound like property, those are the easiest words to use. But in having her stay with us, we now have 2 five year olds who are 6 months apart in age. I was asked today if they were twins. But they get along really well and since they are the youngest, we figure by the time they hit the teenage years, we will have adjusted to things. I hope this helps, but I'm sure there are questions you will have and I'd be glad to help answer them. Feel free to contact me. Kathleen

Coleen, I went back through my post and realized I hadn't answered all the questions you had. How do we stay spiritually focused? We make sure we attend our church meetings and have family prayers. That is something we make sure that we get accomplishsed every night. Each of us takes turns, including our foster kids, and it makes them feel a part. We also make sure that each of the kids get hugs each night before bed. In the past when we have had problems with the kids not getting along, we also have "family hugs" where each of the kids gets to give each other hugs, even the foster kids. We have found that when this occurs, it's hard to fight with someone you've had to give a hug to the night before. How do we find time for ourselves? We MAKE time for ourselves. It has been our idea that without us as a couple and had of the family, there isn't a family. We believe strongly in the fact that we have to make time for ourselves. For close to 13 years we have had an automatic date night each week in the fact the we bowl together on a co-ed bowling league. That has been our time out and we make sure we take it. We have either taken the kids with us or when our oldest got old enough to tend, he has tended on that night. The weeks that we have a conflict on that night, we try to make it up on another night. I have a friend I met on line who adopted a son 2 years ago after several years of waiting. They have recently divorced. There are problems on both side there but I feel that a lot of it has to do with the fact that when parents adopt, especially if it is the first child, they have had years of being together alone and once the child comes, they no longer have the closeness and time alone together. Unless they work at making time together, they find themselves drifting apart. My friend and her husband did just that, they didn't want to leave their son with anyone and didn't make time for themselves. It just can't work that way is my feeling. It's hard to have to leave our children, especially after waiting for so long for them, with anyone else but we need time away from them to discuss things and renew our relationships. Also, where we have often worked opposite shifts, where I'm leaving as he came home from work or so forth, we make sure we either have time to talk to each other in passing and let each other know what has been going on during the day, or we talk by phone once I have gotten to work. If kids are place through foster care, you should also have the option of respite care, where the caseworker should be able to help you find another foster parent for the kids to stay with for a night or so or even just a few hours away. You definitely need a break in this situation and don't feel bad about needing that break, you deserve it and should take it. We keep our sanity with a good sense of humor and the time by ourselves. We also have a lot of family close, we don't have many close friends, we spend a lot of time with family and they help a lot also. I'm not sure what your situation is, but if you have family close by or friends that can help, don't be afraid to use them. Even your visiting or home teachers, call on them if you need help. That's what they are there for. Hope this helps. Kathleen

all of these suggestions are really good! We originally went to LDSFS open to and infant up to age 5. They said that they never really have anything other than infants. perhaps their same response to you was them under the impression that you were inquiring about adopting toddlers. LDSFS is pretty close knit and I'm sure that you could get them to spread the word and if any of the couples they work with are interested then it could work out well. All the couples in my group are very open to some level of openess and in your situation the chances of openness would be very good. However it sounds to me like you just need to give it more time. Perhaps in your stake/ward there is someone interested in adoption that would be willing to take older children. Once you are sure (after careful consultation) start inquiring and see what response you get. I hope it is resolved and all turns out for the best. If I lived anywhere near AR (and if I felt it was right) I would consider an open adoption with you in a heartbeat. Get plenty of priesthood blessings, and re-read your PB if you have one. Sometimes the answer to our prayers is JUST WAIT .

I have a very good friend. She has 14 kids (11 adopted 4 bio all with special needs 5 have some degree of RAD) and she is adopting 4 more from Ethiopia this May! She is AWESOME and here is her "Family Unity" list of activities that keep her family strong. ""Gospel Essentials: 1. Daily Gospel songs: Every night (and frequently at other times throughout the day) we sing songs from the hymnbook or the Children's Songbook. We generally sing three consecutive songs, but also sing by "theme", or by favorites. Even our one and two-year olds can "sing" with us the Primary favorite "Popcorn Popping". 2. Scripture study: We read together as a family from the Book of Mormon every night. We use the "regular" version, although occasionally we will read from one of the children's versions of the Book of Mormon. The bigger children take turns reading with Mom and Dad. The littler ones love to get their own scriptures and pretend to be reading along. We are working on reading other standard works in the morning. 3. Family Prayer: We pray together as a family in the morning and at night, over meals, and whenever there is a need for increased prayer, such as September 11. We take turns praying, with the teeniest children getting help. It only took a matter of a few weeks for our newest additions to the family to understand "Fold your arms" and to start doing just that at prayer time. 4. Father's blessings: G (Daddy) gives Priesthood blessings to our family. Sometimes - such as the start of a new school year, or a new calendar year, he will give blessings to everyone in the family. Other times, he gives individual blessings as needed. The children learn to reverently wait their turn and appreciate each other's differences that can become apparent through blessings. 5. Family Home Evening: Held weekly, we rotate through lessons, activities, outside games and other fun. We frequently have a "Why I Love You" night, where each individual family member expresses one reason they love every other family member. We also have family testimony meeting where the children can hear their parent's testimonies, and have a chance to bear their own testimony without being in front of a large crowd. 6. Temple attendance: Although not frequent, we do attend the temple as a family when we have a new child or children to be sealed to us. It is a special time for all of us to stand or kneel in a sealing room, all in white, and know that we are a forever family. We are encouraging (and arranging for) our older children to do baptisms for the dead almost once a week while Mom and Dad attend an endowment session. Service Projects: 1. For our own family: We will do service projects aimed at other members of the family. Sometimes, all family members work on this. For example, at Christmas, we have everyone doing service projects for the person whose name they drew out of a hat. At other times, we'll ask only a few children to be involved in special service projects. This might be for another child who is having a hard time, for their "roommates", or even for Mom! 2. Outside our family: We also serve others. It may an individual project, such as crocheting lace on 100 pairs of socks to donate to orphanages, or going to help build an orphanage overseas. However, we really like to do service projects that can involve all of us, whether that is raking leaves for someone or working at the local church welfare farm,. One of our favorite projects is to help out one family at Christmas by having all of the children help with picking appropriate gifts, wrapping them and then watching as we unload the goodies and "doorbell ditch". 3. Ideas for other service projects: Making hats for humanitarian donations * Making comfort dolls for the humanitarian center ׷ Sewing and stuffing balls Baking cookies, then visiting someone who needs a lift ׷ Help the Forest Service Visit a retirement home Daily Rituals: 1. I love you: We say "I love you" dozens of times a day. It may be in a silly little song that we just make up, or in a little poem or on a drawing, or just the "regular" way. Everyone needs to hear "I love you". Some of our children have come so ignorant of the basic concept of being loved, that it takes much repetition for them. Hearing it frequently allows them enough security to ask if we still love them, even if we are not happy with them. It seems pretty typical to assume that if there is discipline, there is no love. On the contrary - we discipline because we DO love and they learn to understand that. 2. What did you learn today? Another daily ritual that is still fairly new at our house is waiting for Daddy to ask that question at the dinner table. Everyone gets a turn and everyone must listen as we hear their answer. In the few months we have been doing this, the children have increased their ability to answer about something that they truly learned, rather just an account of what happened that day. For example, we may have a discussion on what they learned about weather patterns, or about the ability to predict weather, or what happens when they hear thunder, rather than just the statement "I learned it rained today". 3. Praising each other. This can be hard for siblings, but daily or almost daily, we'll have one child be a "cheerleader" for another. For example, R might say "Who thinks A is a good cook" and everyone raises their hand andsays "I do" or "Me"! 4. Gospel Essentials: See other heading, but we do songs, scriptures and prayers every day. 5. Family Meals: We eat together every night. If Dad and the boys have scouts, or I have Enrichment Meeting, or the girls have Young Women's or whatever, we make sure we have dinner early enough that all can be together. We also have lots of help with meal preparation - the older ones can do entire meals for the family and the younger ones love to help. We have 2 tables from Costco put end to end to make one 13' long table that is covered with a table cloth. We all sit together to eat and talk about the day. Camping and Other Family Outings: 1. Tent camping: There is nothing like camping in a tent with everyone to promote family unity. There are none of the standard distractions, so we all look towards each other for fun and for pitching in with the work. We have read some intense books on family campouts and then discussed their contents without interruptions. We play games, sing songs, fix great food and talk about the wonderful world Heavenly Father created. 2. RV or trailer camping: This simply expands the time you can go camping. I am not up for snow camping in a tent, but it can be great fun in a trailer. You also have to learn how to live and work together in close quarters! It also is easier to "drop and go" at a moment's notice. 3. Family vacations: Whether we are headed to a family reunion or are headed across the country, we like to use the car time to do something together. We frequently listen to long books on tape (such as The Work and the Glory series). We also assign a "big kid" to a "little kid" for help and entertainment. They learn to serve each other as we spend long hours driving. We discovered years ago some simple ways to keep kids entertained in the car, so we wrap little treats (both food and from the dollar store) and they get to unwrap them at certain intervals. They love it! We also average about 50 miles an hour, as our stops are an hour or more. We also take lots of side trips and go to see whatever happens to seem interesting to us as we pass it. 4. Zoo, park, etc: We also go with everyone to zoos, parks, playgrounds, etc. Yes, you really can do this with 14 children! During and after, we'll ask the children what they liked best. Building family memories is a very important part of building family unity. 5. Scrapbooks! I scrapbook those same memories in yearly albums. The children absolutely love looking at those books. I know they help them remember all the fun things we do as a family, and even some of the sad or scary things, like our rollover accident, or the death of their sister, A in 19**. I also include funny things they said or did, right on the scrapbook pages. As new ones join our family, they feel a sense of belonging as they look at previous year's scrapbooks, then participate in family outings they know will end up laid out on the pages of that year's book. Family Games: 1. Childhood games: We play a lot of "Duck, Duck, Goose" in our family. For some reason, the children just love running around in a circle, chasing each other. When we play outside, our son, J , gets to "run" in a power wheelchair. When we are inside, he gets carried. Everyone always gets at least one turn, and there is always lots of laughing - another great unifier. We also play games like "Mother, May I", "Red Light, Green Light" and others. 2. Scripture Guessing Game: This is a family favorite as well. Played like "20 Questions" (but without a limit), we choose something from the scriptures and take turns guessing. The kids LOVE to try and stump Mom and Dad. Sometimes, it will be an easy one, like Adam and sometimes it's incredibly obscure, like the stake that was driven through the temple of the enemy general as he slept. 3. Active Games: These are sometimes commercial games from the store, such as "Pit", but more frequently, they are "made up" on the spot. Favorites include "Pile on Daddy", chase and jumping on the trampoline together. Noisy, boisterous games are OK when the time is right (not on Sunday, for example). 4. "Get to Know You" games: We sometimes play games like the "Ungame" and the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" game. All games of this type allow you to have some personal talk time on wide-ranging topics. This can include asking favorites, (like colors, flavors of ice cream . . . ), to specific memories, your most embarrassing moment (the kids love to have Mom and Dad answer those!) to goals and aspirations. Family unity grows as respect and love grow and each family member learns more about the others. 5. Rules are flexible: We rarely follow the "official" rules that might come with a game. We want games to be fun, so we adapt and change as needed to help them stay that way - and to avoid boredom! Special traditions: Traditions are an absolutely essential part of who we are as families. They are a special sort of glue for creating family unity. It can be disheartening to find that special occasions sometimes overwhelm children, so you must use your inspiration and divine guidance to know what's appropriate for your family. In our family, we have many traditions - and as you know, children will never let you forget how it's "supposed" to be done! Birthdays 1. Special meals: The birthday child picks breakfast, lunch and dinner for their birthday. We have had some pretty unusual combinations like spaghetti and mashed potatoes. We rarely have birthday cake, as the children usually pick something like trifle, flan, pie or even cookies. 2. Birthday date: The birthday boy or girl get to go on one of Mom and Dads' weekly date nights. They pick the restaurant and the activity. They LOVE having our undivided attention. 3. Family prayers: The prayers that day always include expressions of gratitude for that child and special requests for blessings for him or her. Holidays 1. New Year's Day: Spent as a family at home, usually playing games, working on puzzles and eating our favorite snack foods all day long. For the first family home evening of the new year, we talk about our family goals from the previous year and write down our family goals for the new year. Dad then gives priesthood blessings to help start us off right. 2. Valentine's Day: We eat pink food all day long - pink pancakes, pink mashed potatoes, pink rolls, pink drink, etc. We make cookies and decorate them as a family and we usually play a game where we talk about why we love each person in the family, or one that lets us get to know each other better. 3. St. Patrick's Day: Green food all day, plus at least one reading of Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham". 4. Easter: Story of the resurrection done with plastic Easter eggs the Monday before Easter. Each egg holds a symbol of the Easter story - a piece of red cloth for the robe they placed on Christ, a thorn for the crown He wore, a rock for the rock in front of the tomb. There are about a dozen in all and of course the last one is empty, just like the tomb was Easter morning. During the week, we dye Easter eggs - one dozen per child. We did 15 dozen this year! The Saturday before Easter, we have a neighborhood Easter egg hunt, making sure to invite all ages. The younger children (under 12) have a "regular" hunt, with real eggs and plastic eggs and the older ones do a flashlight hunt after dark. Easter morning is low-key as far as candy and baskets go, but we do read "Three Days Without Light - A Nephite Easter Story" and talk about Jesus and our testimonies of him. 5. Memorial Day: We spend a lot of time talking about the Plan of Salvation, and how we will all be together, even after we die. We visit our daughter's grave and talk about her and wonder what she's doing. It's a great time to answer questions and re-affirm the eternal nature of families. 6. July 4th: Another family day culminating with our own family "fireworks" display in the street in front of our house. 7. Halloween: I haven't felt like we should skip Halloween, but we do not allow anything gory, violent or evil. The original purpose for Halloween was to scare away evil spirits before All Saints Day, so we feel fine about letting our children dress up and have fun. We have a family and friends Halloween/Harvest party, with games like "Bobbing for Apples" and "Eat the Donut off the String". The children look forward to inviting their friends and cousins for this "traditional" party. I generally sew one or two costumes a year, so we have quite a selection! Only one year have I tried to coordinate everyone and we did "Star Wars". Even J had his wheelchair decorated as a pod racer - it was pretty cute! 8. Thanksgiving: As with most families, we all express our gratitude and list specific things we are thankful for, including each other. We spend Thanksgiving at our home and have at least one family over, sometimes many. We also like to watch the Macey's Thanksgiving Day parade! And, sad to say, I take some time later in the day to pore over the ads so I can decide my plan of attack for shopping very early the next morning. It's weird, I know, but I love it and several of the children do too! It's really the only day I like shopping. 9. Christmas: While we have many Christmas traditions, these are some of our favorite ones for building family unity. Each person in the family draws two names and then works on making gifts for those two people. (We have too many to do gifts for all). These vary from drawing a picture and having Mommy frame it, to making jewelry, to sewing anything from clothing to dolls to kites and more. It is one of the highlights of Christmas morning! We also draw one name to do "secret service" for. Each evening, we read a story - sometimes children's stories and sometimes short stories of Christmas miracles. We also have at least one family home evening where we sing Christmas songs the whole time - everyone picks their favorites and we go until we are practically hoarse. Each year, we bundle everyone up and take a trip to Temple Square where we enjoy the lights and music together. Of course, we have many others too. :) Leading by example: Mom and Dad have the opportunity and responsibility to teach children how to be part of a family. Children learn a lot by watching. 1. Regular date nights: The children see on a weekly basis that it's important to have time for yourselves. 2. Working together: Whether it is fixing a clogged toilet or planting in the garden, children get to see Mom and Dad working together - and enjoying it! 3. Childcare and household duties: The kids watch Dad change diapers, give baths, do dishes and prepare meals, sharing those tasks with Mom. Mom can take out the garbage, or fix a plug or take the toilet apart for the umpteenth time just as easily. They also see that it's important for family members to carry out their responsibilities, even if it's doing a job they dislike. 4. Unity in parenting: It's not uncommon to try and play one parent off the other, or to try and get permission from one parent after the other has said no. We decided long ago to support each other in parenting decisions and to present a united front. If there are disagreements about how something was handled, they are discussed later, behind closed doors. 5. Handling disagreements: We do have disagreements, but we never "fight". The children have an opportunity to learn how to deal with differences in constructive ways. 6. Expressing affection: In addition to frequent verbal expressions of affection, we also physically express affection. The children have no doubts that we love each other. We hold hands, we sit close together, we kiss, we hug - all in front of our children. 7. Decision-making: No major decision is made without both of us agreeing. We don't always start out that way, so the children have had opportunities to watch as we talk through decisions, as we pray about them and as we reach our own decision to either proceed or not. Our hope is that as children join our family and continue to learn and grow that they will know that we love them and they will leave feeling comfortable and confident about forming their own families." Like I said, she's awesome! We only have 3 kids with one one the way and we do all of these things as well. I truly think that it can be done even in a big adoptive family and one day I aspire to be the mother of 15 darlings as well ;-) I hope this was helpful to you!

Just wanted to add that I spoke with my friend and she said that she'd love to chat with anyone who'd like advice on big families, adoption, and making it work. She homeschools all of her kids and is just an all around amazing woman! Her name is Holly Richardson, PM me if you'd like her email adress. :-)