My Adoption Story

My name is Miriam, I am an American Jew and my husband is Israeli. We've been married 5 years (second marriage for both of us). I have one adult (biological) daughter from my first marriage. My husband has no biological children (by choice). Both my husband and I always wanted to adopt. He has friends that adopted two and had two biological kids and he thought that was such a wonderful thing to do. As for myself, I saw a documentary about older child adoption once, loooooong time ago and thought that's something I'd really like to do one day. We moved to Israel in May 2000 and that's where we still are. Rosh Hashana 2001 (September 2001) we decided that it was time and contacted the Child Welfare Agency to start the process of adoption. It was surprisingly "painless". The process involved the following steps: 1. Lots of forms (references, police record etc..) 2. 5 meetings with a Social Worker at the agency office. 3. Psychological evaluation for both my husband and I to see if our relationship is strong enough to "survive" an adoption 4. Attending a 6 week course for prospective adoptive parents, to raise awareness of the unique challenges of adoption "older children" (we were looking at the age range of 2-4) as well as the types of adoption available in Israel. 5. Home visit by Social Worker to verify that we have adequate space for a child. Then we waited... The entire process took about 6 months and was completed by March 2002. During this time I also underwent IVF treatments, since we're also trying to have a biological child. As a matter of fact, the reason we went to Israel is because IVF treatments are covered by the national health insurance. In May 2002 I had another failed IVF. At that point I hit emotional rock bottom. I couldn't even look at babies or pregnant women, it was a very difficult time period. June 12th 2002 we got a phone call... The Social Worker told us that she found a child for us.. He was more than we bargained for and less... Let me go back a little.. During our meetings with the Social Worker we let her know what our desires/requirements were for a child. On top of the list was good health. Simply because I have to be a working mother and don't have the luxury to stay home. So our child would need to be able to function in a day-care setting. We also didn't want an "open" adoption. An open adoption here means that the courts have not yet terminated the rights of the biological family. I simply didn't see myself as strong enough to love a child only to loose him. The little boy she found was 7 1/2 months old, so he was much younger than we expected. And according to the medical records he was perfectly healthy. However, the court situation was still "open". The birth-mother's parental rights were not yet terminated, however, the court had ruled that the baby should be placed with a family that would adopt him, since there were only some appeals left. This is what we were told about the birth mother: She was an immigrant from Russia. Her parents and two siblings arrived in Israel when she was in her early teens. Her father died shortly after arrival, leaving the mother to take care of 3 teenagers. All three became drug addicts. The birth mother herself became a user at age 16. She didn't become a prostitute to support her drug habit, but turned to armed robbery instead. At age 18 she gave birth to her first. Her son was taken from her at age 4. She couldn't care for him and her mother was judged incapable of raising a child. The ** got pregnant again (still using!!), however, was arrested and jailed during the early part of her pregnancy. Her access to drugs while in prison was much more limited. The baby was delivered one month early by cesarean section, since according to u/s exam he wasn't gaining weight sufficiently. At birth he was tested for drugs and was "clean". He also tested negative for HIV, hepatitis and other diseases. After 3 weeks in the hospital he was placed with a loving foster family. June 13th 2001 we met with the Social Worker. She gave us copies of his medical records, of his birth mother's case file (all names blanked out). We had the medical records reviewed by a prominent pediatrician (connections via cousin) who also agreed to perform a physical on the baby. He told that when it comes to judging the health of a baby that was exposed to drugs in utero, a good indicator is the length of time the baby spent in the hospital after delivery. Three weeks apparently wasn't even worth raising an eyebrow over. June 16th we met our son for the first time. By that time we had already decided that he was ours, no matter what. We had to drive to the Jerusalem branch of the Child Welfare Agency. Our Social Worker came with us. I remember the butterflies in my stomach, the uncertainties. We walked up the stairs to the office and heard a baby cry. The Social Worker said: Do your hear your son crying?Ӕ Both my husband and I had tears in our eyes at that moment. We entered the office and saw a little blue-eyed angel with big tears running down his face. He was so scared, his entire world turned upside down. A stranger took him from his foster mother to a place he didnt know to see more strangers. It was simply too much for him and he definitely let his displeasure at the situation be known. My husband and I spent the next hour holding him and talking to him, telling him about his new home. We had two more visits with him at the welfare office. Our pediatrician came along during one of the visits and examined him. It was just a formality. |We would have taken him even had he not been healthy (funny how oneҒs ideas change when confronted with the reality of a child). I chose his new name, and my husband agreed with my choice. We named our new son Shai, which is Hebrew for gift. We took him home on June 19th 2002, exactly one week after we learned of his existence. Our perfect little boy has lived up to his name: he is definitely a present. Our beloved son will know that he's adopted. We decided that we won't tell him about the mess his ** made of her life. There's no reason for a child to carry that kind of burden. We won't lie to him, but we won't give him all the information until he's ready for it. When he's 18, he'll be permitted by law to go to the interior ministry and open his case file. I hope that he'll be able to find his biological brother, and that he will be able to find out some positive news about his birth family. My feelings about the birth mother? Without her, I wouldn't have my beautiful son. I'm angry at her for risking his health, his life by continuing to use drugs while pregnant. I hope that she will find the strenght to pull herself together and build a life. Shai became officially ours on November 18th, 2003, 1 year 5 month after he came into our lives. We have the privilege to be his parents and love and guide him through his growing up years and hopefully see him succeed in life. For that we'll always be grateful.