irony

I am not and an adoptee but I have had the privilege of meeting a lot of bmom's here on this site. I understand the pain they go thru with placing a child and I am sure your rejection of her hurt her deeply. Since you are having second thoughs and feel like you should contact her, I would do just that. Take it slow, be honest but do take the step. Since she is the one who searched and found you the first time and you WIGGED out on her, she may not feel like she has the right to contact you again. Maybe it is time that you try again. JMHO By the way, I won't say that you are right or wrong because this is a difficult area for the both of you. Please don't look at like you did something wrong. You just were not ready to deal with all the issue's at that time. Maybe now you are. I wish you luck. Bye ;)

Karen, I would like to ask your opion of a few matters. I am an adoptee twice over, both failed, however I plan on adopting siblings if I can and need some help and suggestions. E-Mail me when you can troyobrien4@aol.com

KAREN, I READ YOUR THREAD YESTERDAY AND COULDN'T GET IT OUT OF MY MIND. SO I'M GOING TO TRY THIS TO SEE IF IT WORKS. I AM A BIRTHMOTHER WHO WAS FOUND BY HER SON A YEAR AND A HALF AGO. THINGS WERE GOING ALONG SO WELL, THEN A BIG BUMP IN THE ROAD CAME WHEN HE TOLD ME THAT HIS WIFE WAS JEALOUS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. HE SAID THAT THIS WOULD NOT EFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP BUT SOMEHOW I KNEW IT WOULD. HE STOPPED CONTACT WITH ME AFTER HE HAD HIS SECOND CHILD, RIGHT BEFORE I WAS TO TRAVEL TO SEE MY NEW GRANDCHILD. SO MANY TIMES I HEAR OF THE YO-YO EFFECT, WHERE SOMEONE GOES IN AND OUT OF THESE KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS. WHAT PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE WHO DO THIS IS THAT THEY ARE PLAYING WITH PEOPLE EMOTIONS. EACH TIME YOU COME AND GO, THAT OTHER PERSON FEELS LOSS OR REJECTION ALL OVER AGAIN. THIS GOES ON AND ON. IF MY SON COMES BACK INTO MY LIFE, IT WILL BE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIFES OR IT WON'T BE AT ALL. I CAN'T GO THROUGH ALL THE HURT I HAVE FELT THESE PAST FEW MONTHS AND I DON'T HAVE TO. I LOVE HIM AND HE KNOWS THAT BUT I AM A HUMAN WITH EMOTIONS THAT CAN'T BE TURNED ON AND OFF. IF YOU ARE READY TO SEEK YOUR BIRTHMOTHER OUT AGAIN, FOR HER SAKE PLEASE LET IT BE FOREVER. SHE CERTAINLY DIDN'T EVER WANT TO HURT YOU BY FINDING YOU BUT YOU KNOW SHE IS HURTING SINCE YOU STOPPED THE CONTACT. BE SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT AND PLAN ON A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.

THank you for that. Adoption can be such a selfish thing and sometimes I get caught up in how this affects me and don't think about her and what she must be going through. So, thank you.

My natural nephew recently found me. He was not adopted, but had lost track of his natural family due to a divorce. He found me, as I had posted a search on the internet. It was totally public. He wrote me, as he really wanted to know about his natural sister, but did not wish to intrude upon her life. Well, my brother recently died. He never was given the chance to meet his daughter, although he fought for her and lost before father's rights were recognized. My brother waited his entire life for his daughter or his son to contact him. I have decided not to wait any longer for my natural niece and am registering on every post. Both my children have waited their entire life to meet either one of them. Until now they have not had any contact with either first cousin and they don't have but two in the world. We are ecstatic to have found him and would very much welcome her. If something should happen to me before the search is overwith, I am making files for both my kids and their male cousin. Good luck! I wish everyone the best!

I was happily reunited with my bparents for 13 years,then the relationship broke down over a "minor" disagreement that escalated.The timing coincided with my plans to adopt,which my bmum never made any comment on,even though she had views on every other area of my life-which became increasingly critical. I have become aware of a small minority of bmums who are incredibly angry about the "forced" adoptions they went through.These women would see all adoption as evil and would want to see it made illegal.They also have a very negative view if adoptive mothers. I don't think my bmum has dealt with her issues(which I acknowlege would be a huge task),and therefore I think by becoming an adopter I have become the enemy.I'm not sure it would a conscious choice for her and though I have tried to broach the subject she has not replied to my letters. I've had to move on because I've reached out as far as I am able.I think I focussed so much on our similarities that I didn't see our differences. I don't think it's as simple as choosing to be in each other's lives or not.I think the years of heartache and pain do not go at reunion.Instead they are magnified,because you see what you have lost-it's not abstract anymore. Ithink the best thing is to get indepth counselling prior to reunion,as reunion tends to "name" the issues rather than solve them.If the pain is too great(even in an initially happy reunion,one or other party will pull away. I know I'm not what my bmum wants.Maybe she had all those years to imagine me.Because I was brought up by different parents,I am not the adult version of the child she lost-I am a totally differnt person.It's not my fault,it's not her fault,but it is a huge obstacle we've failed to overcome.

jude4691 wrote..I have become aware of a small minority of bmoms who are incredibly angry about the "forced" adoptions they went through.These women would see all adoption as evil and would want to see it made illegal.They also have a very negative view if adoptive mothers. Its anger..Its not forgiving the ones who may have manipulated her all those years ago.. She may be still re-acting.. Some of us were given a choice.. Give the baby up or leave.. Its a terrible choice.. An impossible choice.. Its abandonment on a grande scale to me.. Jackie

Karen, The timing was wrong when you were contacted. You had just had a baby. This was already an emotional time for you. I am a birthsibling. My mother gave up 2 babies for adoption. I knew nothing about them . I found out about the first 1 at age 18 and found her at age 29 and found out about the 2nd one when she found me at age 29 and it blew my mind. Thats the thing about being a sibling . We didn't sign anything we didn't give up anything and we don't have any rights. But we still are denied the rights just to know and love our brothers and sisters. Even though I had a dissapointing relationship with my sisters doesn't mean you will. Take a small step, but take it on your terms. Ask for pictures. I am sure you have to be curious if you look alike, start there. Then maybe try talking on the phone, If you get comfortable then agree to meet. Don't hold what your birthmother did to you agisnt your half sisters and brothers. They had nothing to do with it. My best advice is Take it slow. But on your terms only. Your the one that holds all the cards and I am sure they can respect that. The worst that can happen is you won't like them and the best that can happen is you gain a new friend and someone else to love and that loves you. Thats never a bad thing. Start with a card and pics of you and your child and ask for the same from them. If you really want to be safe run a background check on them. Thats what I wish I would have done before I got to friendly with my younger sister. I would have found out about the substance abuse problem and saved my kids the hurt feelings as well as my own. I know this is unchartered territory for you but use your own judgement and your heart. They wouldn't have searched if they didn't love you. Speacking as a birthfamily memeber and one that searched. I wouldn't have searched if I didn't love and want that relationship that badly. Even if it meant taking that chance of getting rejected. They will take the relationship on any terms you offer just to have you in there life. Hope this helps! Sincerely. Miss ScarletLA

Thank you. I think I'm almost ready to contact my sib - your post helped.

Karen I was really glad to read your response. I do hope you make contact with your sibling and it goes well for you. I will be praying for you and keeping my fingers crossed too. Just start with baby steps and take it slow. What ever your comfortable with. God Bless and let us know how it goes! Happy Reunions give us all hope! Terri Sibling reunited with 2 adopted sisters 2000