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I want to know if this is where I go to get it out. If you read my post on general board for bparents I intro'd myself and I then explained more after a couple posts. I thought that I could gain insight and help myself to get it out in a safe place. When I visit websites asscociated with the loss of my daughter I am safe if anyone does criticize it is done carefully with comfort and understanding. While I see where dealing with this from all ends of the spectrun is necessary and while I know learning from a-moms is possible I am now feeling in my short experience while there is much to gain here I am also at risk to have someone who has no idea at all how I feel respond so uncomfortably which has sent me into a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I have been on one anyways over the last few days over my daughter. Now that I feel some recovery from that I am sent on Nicholas's rollercoaster from an opininated person that I wish would not have replied. Am I wrong for saying this and feeling this???
Should I just forget trying to explore this ave. of dealing with my feelings that are associated with giving my son up for adoption 8 years ago and not have really talked about it since?? Am I wrong to think I cannot not do it because I truely feel that a-parents have absolutely no idea what a bittersweet thing it is to give a child up for adoption. Is that not true? Also in that giving up is bittersweet with the missing of the child and the knowing it was out of love--aparents are given a special gift--most times they cannot have a child of their very own--that is usually why they adopt one. They have a want and we selflessly fullfilled their need at one horrendous cost to us. The loss of a child, a child which must be grieved over. Is is right to have these greiving mom's placed with those who have had their dreams come true??? Sadness lashed out at by a happy person--that is what I feel.
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April, new loss often brings up older losses. In your case the loss of your son does not sound resolved so I am sure that is just adding to the loss you are feeling over your daughter. You need a counselor that specializes in bereavement issues. The grieving process is very difficult. It can make you feel crazy, sad, unsure, angry... a myriad of emotions. For me, it has always helped having someone to help me sort them out. Having someone tell me i am not going nuts, that what i am feeling is important to work through. I think you would benefit so much from this. Again, e-mail me and we will talk about it.
brenr@openadoptioninsight.org
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April,
I am still (after 30+ years) vasilating between the same feeling you have. At any given moment I will be angry, empty, hurt, sad...anything but peaceful. When I think of how many lies the
afamily fed me about how I would "always" know what was going on with my daughter, I am livid. I handed my beautiful baby girl over to her arms and saw the joy on her face while tears of happiness rolled down her cheeks. Now that I am much older and see it all in perspective, I think what a "duck" I was to think that the tears of sorrow on my own cheeks would have mattered to her.
I read the words of some of the aparents on the posts and it furthers my anger. Not at them, but at the liar who left this void in my own heart. It's worse than death for me, because death is final...there are no variables. Adoption, on the other hand, has been like a slow torture. There has never been closure, never been real peace, and never been acceptance. I don't blame you for the anger and mixed emotions, but I know they are not good for either of us. But they just don't stop. Reading your words brings back the anger.
Maybe I should not post this, since I have no good advice for you that could ease the pain, but I do want you to know that you are not alone. And I know the feelings that nobody can really understand. Over the years I have wished that there was someone, ANYONE, who could tell me how to heal. I feel like I was robbed. If there are no answers, then I'd like to have someone put their arms around me and hold me like a smalll child until all the tears are gone. After all is said and done, there's nothing left but a kinship between women like us...don't leave.
As soon as I post this, I will light a candle for you so that everytime I pass by it today, a prayer for you will rise like smoke. Hang in there...
Debra
(((Debra)))
Thank you very much. I was very irritated when I posted. I came thinking to find words of comfort and was thrown into a whirl of emotions when I was caught off guard. I was angry for a lot of different reasons combined together which caused me to go off.
Thank you very much for making me realize I am not alone. People like you are the reason I came here. So I could begin to heal and forgive myself. I agree that death in many ways is better than adoption in that it is final. I know that when I gave my son up it was out of love and because I was not going to get an abortion. I did not believe others would help me like they said because they were not helping with the one I had. People get busy with their own lives what do they want with a pregnant 16 uear old with a four month old baby????? I had a lot to consider and I think I made the right choice most days. But there are some days when I know I could take care of him now although I could not back then. I wanted him to be taken care of and loved at sixteen and raising one mostly alone I could not imagine my mental state 17 with 2. But I see where I am now and I know if I would have really stuck to it and had help I could have made it but at what cost????? It is constant and never ending. I can't stuff it although I have for eight years I have really talked about this very little. I thought about it every day. Still I know one day I should have the chance to meet him again. I hope that day is sooner than later. We'll see.
However death is very hard too in that there is no chance of ever meeting that child. I have seen Nicholas's eyes. I will not see Madeline's untill I die. While it makes me less fearful of death it is a constant horror to go through 9 months for a very wanted little girl to lose her so unexpectedly and have everything you have tried to adjust for not actually happen. I guess it would be like a bmom going back on aparents. I must admit it was very surreal for me I don't believe I even talked aloud about it after I had him. I was really not with it and I could see saying no but I had been with them for 5 months and I don't know if I could break their hearts so I broke mine instead. How selfless huh but I do think in reading your reply do they actually realize how selfless we are and how much is was for us to give that child up? Could they have done it??? would they if in your shoes????? what would they have done?????? Interesting new questions you have raised to my mind but I appreciate it. Thank you a thousand times over I really appreciate your support.
Take care.
April
PS I think I get a lot out of trying to help my marriage with counseling as there is two people to deal with there. I also deal seperately with my daughter and we will get to those things I just have more pressing issues to tie up her hour with. I think that I know myself and I can help deal with my inner feelings by getting them out and knowing I am not alone. That helps me to deal with my inner feeling and know what is normal and what is happening so I can address it. I think my counseling I can do mostly for myself here for this particular issue. I really appreciate you caring for me that I am taking care of myself and so you know I visit thp weekly. Thanks again
((((April)))) How much I feel your words! It is through tears that I write this. You have been through so much and have such great courage.
Perusing some of the posts today has me in an emotional tailspin, too. If I read once more that we , as birth moms, "didn't love or want" our children enough to keep them, I will scream! We did the level best we could to make the right decisions. Like you I look at my life now and think that I could made it, but my child would have had to suffer. I was only 16, and in 1971 a pregnant teen was the proverbial skeleton in the closet...especially in my family. In my heart I know the decision was right for my child; however, it was not the best solution for me. That is where the sacrifice comes in. Sometimes love means that you have to let go for the good of others.
After reading post after post of adoptees saying that they feel like cast-offs who were not loved by their Bmoms I feel the anger rising again. In some cases that may be true, but I feel like in a majority of cases the choice was painful and selfless for most of us.
Since I was stripped by the adoptive parents and left for a statistic, I have no way of knowing if they were honest with my baby girl surrounding the circumstances of her adoption or not. I hope that with the gift they were given that they had the compassion to tell her how I tried to make a life for her before I made the choice. I'm not saying they owe it to me, but they do owe that much to the life they took as their own.
When all seems like a loss, I read something like your post and it inspires me to keep on plugging along. You are an inspiration to me, as well as a kindred spirit. Bless you, dear one.
Debra
Debra,
Thank you so much. I have a feeling inside me right now that I cannot explain either and I just want to say I totally feel you. Now if you were a foster child or stripped for reason I can see hard feelings and if you were abused by aparents that my ultimate fear---and I know that would be and angry ok.acceptable. So you are right. Even though there are exceptions it is all for the fact of love for our children. Not only is love about sacrafice but parenting is about sacrafice and I know giving a child to a family who cannot have one of their own is a true gift and should be appreciated, and validated. I think that is the least that could be given back. I am so sorry for you Debra. Hang in there. Email me anytime. Just put one foot in front of the other. That's all you can do.
Thanks for the inspiration.
April
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