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Dear Mom,
Im 7 years old and I need you. I dream about how your going to come get me and tell me that you were so sorry you left me and that we'll always be together...
Dear Mom,
Im 10 now. Im sorry I wasnt good enough to make you love me.
Dear Mom,
Im 14 now and I hope you burn in hell. How could you not want ME?
Dear Mom,
Im 17 now. Therapy sucks, but I'v worked through alot of things.
I understand now that its not your fault. You didnt know what else to do. Its not either of our faults. Your parents probably did the same thing to you, so you have an attachment disorder and you dont know how to love me.
Dear Mom,
Im 22 now, still no word from you. I know I'll probably never find you and I doubt you want to be found. I just wanted you to know I forgive you. You made the right choice by the way, I couldnt ask for a more loving adoptive family. Despite the years of therapy and attachment disorders, I turned out ok. Im starting college next month. I want to be a Social Worker of all things. I figure my experiance can help me to understand what others like me are going through.
Dear Mom,
Im 26 and married to the most wonderfull man in the world. We're going to have a baby.Because I know how painfull it can be for a child to go through the mess of being adopted and always wondering what if, I planned very carefully to make sure I was ready and able to give this baby all the love you couldnt give me. I just wanted to thank you for giving me the chance to understand what real love is.
Thats my story...
For now. I had to get it out, to the mother I never knew. I wrote this for a college class several months ago. I recently discovered my birth mother, only to find out she is dying of liver cancer. I printed it out and read it to her. She didnt want to see me. All she had to say was "Im sorry I was a bad mother". For 26 years I have hated this woman I never knew. I have cried over her, I have screamed about her, I have based my entire life around this woman...I never knew. I'v gone over in my head, thousands of times all the things I wanted to say and do to her when she finally showed her face. 26 years of anger and pain. But as she said those words, all I could think of was that she was my mother.
As I looked at her, it wasnt anger I felt...
It was mourning...
Mourning for a mother I cried for at night...
Mourning for a mother who couldnt love me...But wanted me to be loved so much that she gave me up.
I found out, she had been an orphan. Her foster parents had abused her and raped her and beaten the love right out of her.
It wasnt intell I met my mother...
That I realized how strong she was.
Im going to stop now...My lovely husband is wondering why Im sitting at the computer crying.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
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Im glad my words touched someone. Everyone talks about an open adoption.I wonder, if I had known my mother growing up would it have been differnt? At one point I wanted nothing more then to have her in my life. At another, I hoped she was dead and never coming back. Sometimes, I wished that she would feel every drop of pain she had caused me. I wonder if adoptive parents understand what its like to know that your own mother didnt want you? If I could go back, I wouldnt want to know about my adoption. For me, all knowing did was fill me with doubt and pain. Even now, I'v never heard my biological mother tell me she loves me. Perhaps if I didnt know that my adoptive mother wasnt my real mother...It wouldnt hurt as much. Emily Marie is due in April. Being pregnent has given me alot of new views on things. Its an increadable feeling. In a way, my experiances have helped me. I learned the proper way to love and care for a child from my adopted mother and I learned the importance of loving and caring for a child from my biological mother.
Im looking forward to motherhood.
Sincerly,
Deanna
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Deanna,
Your original post truly brought tears to my eyes, as you understood that all wasn't as it seemed. I am so sorry you went through all that pain throughout your childhood.
I know this can't possibly help, but as a birthmom, I desperately WANTED and LOVED my daughter and never a day went by that I didn't think of her. I hope somewhere in your birthmother's abused and scarred heart she felt the same.
I am glad you see her strength, even through your pain. I wish you all the best.