How do you tell "The Story?"

Stacey! That sounds great. We have a similar story for Liam. Because we knew his birth mother and got to be there for the delivery etc... our story is a bit different. Driving by the hospital the other day, we pointed it out to him as where he was born and the first place we got to meet him and kiss him. We also have a copy of "The Night You Were Born" and we modify it to our own story. I remember when I was little, my Mom had pointed out the adoption agency where they had gone to pick me up. My parents weren't big on the whole birds and bees explanation, so for the longest time I thought I was "made" at the adoption agency. When my Mom said one day that I was born at our local hospital, I was very confused!! We also joke a lot about my partner Hilary being the odd-man out because she wasn't adopted!

My son loves to look at his photo album. We have a few pictures of him from the pre-adoption time, one taken when he was still in the hospital, three from his brit mila, and three more when he was from 2 - 6 months old. When we get to the pictures of our first meeting, I explain to him how we first saw him, how sweet he was then and how much we loved him right from the first time we saw him. As he gets older and starts asking questions, we'll answer them in an age-appropriate manner.

We have always told our son a very similar story. We included a detail that "Mama's 'special baby place' was broken", which helped explain things. He's been hearing this story most of his life, and so far thinks it's kind of neat. We both knew that we wanted him to know as much of his story as he could handle as soon as possible. He knows that his story is different than other children's, but he's perfectly happy with it.

My DH and I have decided to go through the National Star Registry and name a star for our Twins. We want to wait until the court papers are in to use the actual adoption date. We hope to make it a family tradition, every year to do a little celebration, and go in the backyard and look for their star. We are not exactly sure of a story word for word, but we have a few little things from bmom, and we know she was just not able to care for the twins. (Although we have never met her). We will be kind about bmom, and try to explain they were chosen just for us and how lucky it was for us. So far that's all we got... Kea

I make sure when I tell my daughter her story that I start off with her birthfamily (instead of starting off with us). I suppose I'm practicing for writing her lifebook, which I've learned should be all about the child and not about the aparents. So I say there was a man and a woman who were going to have a baby and they were afraid that they couldn't take care of her (I include some of the reasons in the story). I talk about how when she was born they must have been so happy because she was perfect, but so sad because they didn't know if they had enough money to take care of her (babies need lots of things like clothes and food and a warm, dry place to live). I explain that she stayed with them for three whole weeks and during that time her birth mother must have nursed her and I wonder what songs she sang when she rocked her to sleep. Finally they brought her to the orphanage where they knew she'd be safe and well cared for and that they would find her a forever family. (By this time, she's usually lost interest in the story!). I talk about how the ayas took good care of her and they played music and there were lots of other kids. And then, I talk about one day we came to get her to bring her home with us. I talk about how her hair smelled like strawberries and she cried and cried because she was mad that she'd been taken from her friends and how she was dressed and someone had cared enough to put a little blue sparkly bindi on her forehead. And how we all went into a room and rocked her and sang to her and how Mama cried when Grandma sang "Tree, Tree, Tree," which is the song she sang to Mama when Mama was a baby. And then I tell her about riding back to the hotel in a Mercedes and how she threw up on Papa, but Mama was smart and had remembered to bring towels. I talk about how she didn't smile the whole time we were in India, not until we were on the airplane above Greenland and Mama and Papa and Grandma were so excited to see her smile. I try to tell parts of this story once a month -- right now she's not that interested. I should really work on the lifebook and then we can read that together and look at the photos (we're so lucky to have pictures of her at different ages.).

"I talk about how when she was born they must have been so happy because she was perfect, but so sad because they didn't know if they had enough money to take care of her (babies need lots of things like clothes and food and a warm, dry place to live)." This kind of story backfired with my daughter's adoptive parents as she became angry as age 7 or 8 that her parents did not help her mommy with money to take care of her. My daughter said she is still haunted to this day by this story.

Yes, but it is the truth--the documented truth -- it's in the court record as the primary reason she was brought to the orphanage. There are other reasons, that for DD's privacy, I'm not posting and I also include that in the story. She very well may ask me why I didn't help financially. I will tell her the truth--that I didn't know her bparents, but that we give tzedaka (charity) so that we do help poor people feed their babies. The other thing that will help her understand will be bringing her to India to see for herself what life is like for the millions of very poor people. I will not withhold the few facts I have because I might be made uncomfortable by my daughter's reaction.