contact with bparents after adoption thru state social services

When adopting through the state, we expected no contact with bparents,but we do have contact with siblings. Most of the bparents were still in prison at the time of adoption. Some know where their kids are, some don't. It scared my kids when they were younger, but doesn't now. Some of my children have had the option of contacting a bmom who has turned her life around, but at this time have chosen not to. The sibling visits have been supervised when we felt it was needed. In other cases, the kids went alone and were supervised as needed by the other child's parents.

My Daughter had visits with an Biological Uncle. With encouragement, I did not feel like I had a choice with it if I wanted to Adopt her. He had the choice with scheduled visits of either pick her up from school or the house. He preferred school. Usually her Case Manager was too busy to supervise, so it falls to you as the Parent to decide in the Supervision.

My daughter is not allowed to see her birth mother. The state actually had a restraining order where her mom couldn't contact her while in foster care. This is an out of state placement and part of the reason was to move her away. And although the adoption isn't finalized yet, she uses our last name. It would be very traumatic for my daughter to see her birth mom. I worry about the day when she wants to see her again. Hopefully by then she is at a stage in her life where she is stable enough for that.

When our children were placed we had a mediated agreement for a monthly one hour visit until the TPR was completed. Following this we were no longer required to have contact. However--it bacame very clear early on that our daughter 'neede' some way of continuing to maintain some kind of contact. Our state allows a file to be set up where letters and pictures can be sent and held until the child is of age (21 here for this spcific issue). Our daughter has felt great relief in being able to send her birthmother pictures she drew and letters this system has been nothing but a beneift for her to be able to know she can still send her birthmother a message and it has greatly helped her healing.

In my daughter's case it was up to me. After talking to the Guardian ad litem I decided it was best we did not continue contact. Bmom would be there for a while and then disappear and show up again in detention and on and on. I figured that the lack of stability, not to mention the lifestyle, would be bad for my daughter. In many cases the contact is not allowed. The scary part is that they know our last name and we live in the same city. I fear they could find her when she gets older and goes to school. Plus, I have to try to avoid shopping on their end of town just incase they were at the store.

i got my son as a foster child when he was 3 months old. i adopted him when he was 2 1/2. we have an open adoption arrangement with his bmom and bsibs and bgps. i will try to answer your questions as best i can, if you need more info, feel free to pm me. When a child is adopted through state social services is contact expected? i don't think that it is expected, not many social workers had even heard of an open adoption arrangement within dfs. I know that it will vary from situation to situation but I am curious in finding out how you all handle these if you have them. Are they outside the home? yes at your home? no phone calls? bparents do not have a phone but i recently found out they do have my phone number but have only used it once for an emergancy (i am currently fostering my son's sister). do most of your bparents know where you live? ? my son's bgp's know where i live and they have been to my home but his mom does not know where we live. and is that frightening to you??? i am contimplating letting bmom come over to our home. we have been in this relationship for 2 years now and bmom is in a much more stable place where i can feel more comfortable with her know where we live. Would you like more contact? right now we see each other 2 x/mo (because we are faciliting visits with his sister) before i became his sister's fmom, we saw b mom about every 4 or 5 months, which i don't think was enough. i think every other month would be ideal for us.

Openess in an adoption from foster care situation seems highly unlikely. Firstly because most of the children were removed from the bio parents care for safety reasons. If the bio parents are unsafe, then they wouldn't be allowed in the kids' lives anymore. Extended family openess is much more likely. contact with other sibs and grandparents for example. Unless there are specific needs, I assume that the state leaves it all up to you as the parent.

"most of the children were removed from the bio parents care for safety reasons. If the bio parents are unsafe, then they wouldn't be allowed in the kids' lives anymore." some bparents cannot provide safe, stable environments for thier children to live on a consistant basis but it is not necessarily unsafe for them to see thier children in a supervised environment. but the state definatly leaves it up to you. open adoption is a relatively new concept in domestic infant adoptions, but it is definatly new in the state adoption world. also, because most states do not up hold open adoption arrangements, it is sometimes considered a conflict of interest if they get involved.

Thanks all, it's interesting to see how different it can be from case to case. I guess I thought maybe it would be scary to be wondering if the bparents knew where you lived and how you would deal with it. But none of your posts sound too scared. Even if the bparents don't know where you live and other family members do, I'd assume that the bparents could find out through them. Feel free to keep adding, it's helpful.

sorry, my comment was an assumption that more than half the cases were that way. If your fears are well founded based in real facts then unless the state mandates contact, there should be none until you feel it is appropriate. If you are just reacting in fear to media hype and cultural stereotyping, then reconsider. Yes if there is contact with some bio family then the chances of bio parents getting your information is likely. I believe that some form of contact with some member of the family should be maintained at any cost unless the threat of danger is extremely high.

I met our children's bmom during a scheduled lunch with her CASA worker. It was completely voluntary. My husband did not attend and has no interest in meeting her. I met her at the urging of the CASA worker as the bmom is a minor. She is also due to give birth to the baby which will be placed with us and the siblings (which are already with us). She asked if we would be willing to do an open adoption but after much discussion with my husband and our caseworker and much much prayer, we decided that the most open we want to be is pictures and letters once or twice a year from a different address or through our state office. The CASA worker explained this to her and she agreed although she was disappointed. We are not trying to be cruel but feel it would be in the best interest of all concerned. Our primary concern is our children (including the newborn). We have photos of the bmom as well information about her and other small things which we are using to create a book. This book will be given to each of the children when we feel they are ready. We will be open with them and explain adoption and their particular situation but it will not be something we constantly talk about etc. I hope this is making sense. The bmom is kind but very young and has ties to a less than pleasant group of people. We would like to stay anonymous to this group of people so it's best to avoid any personal info with the bmom no matter how well intentioned. Are we worried? Of course--to some extent. I think all adoptive parents worry about how the children will handle it, what the bmom or bfather may try to do at a later date, and so many other concerns. All we can do is love them as their mommy and daddy and raise them the best we can while sharing a part of their past which makes up a part of their history but is far from defining who they are (as adults). We know a couple who adopted a girl at the age of 7 from a family friend (of theirs). The father is always quick to point out to strangers who ask if she's their daughter etc that yes she is but she's adopted. I think that's cruel. Now her whole existence and self-definition begins with "I'm adopted". It's kept her from truly feeling as one of the family or as their daughter. She's 15 now and resents them. Her bmom has serious mental issues, is married to a convicted pedophile and calls or emails her to tell her how she can run away to live with her or whatever if she ever wants to (they have personal contact that began when she was 12). The bmom contacted her parents to ask for contact and the parents did it thinking it would be alright but it's been a disaster. Our caseworker is against contact and didn't even want us meeting but she's been fully supportive in our decisions. We talk to her about everything before making any decisions to be sure we are making informed decisions. Anyway, it's all about you and your family and what you feel is best. Think carefully and talk a long look at your children and what you know about the birthparents. What do you and your spouse or partner feel most comfortable with and go with that. You are the parents so you make the decisions. One more thing, we did not tell her our last name nor where we live and the CASA worker has said she will honor that and not reveal any of our info either. All she knows is my first name. I wish you the best. God bless you and your family. Emmy

We recently had a bad experience. We were helping a homeless, drug-addicted mom by taking in her 3 girls temporarily until the mom could get a place to live. Within a week, the mom failed to show up to take her 4 year old for the day, 3 days in a row, and my hubby had to take the little one to work with him. The mom got very nasty with us and took the 4 year old back (wondering why WE didn't get daycare for her!). The grandma got our phone number and called me up screaming at me that her daughter is a drug addict and that she is coming to take her other two granddaughters. When I calmly told her that she would need the mom's permission, she called the sheriff (good thing!). The sheriff came at 10 pm, and the young teen told the sheriff she refused to go to grandma's, and the 16 year old ran away rather than go to grandma who used to pull her around by her hair! Anyways, the mom came to our house (with the sheriff there) to get the girls' things to take them back. This was almost 4 weeks ago. We were sad for the girls - the 16 year old is in a shelter (which is better than going to mom or grandma, but CPS won't let us foster her because her mom hates us), the 13 year old is now telling lies about us (manipulating to survive, likely). Yesterday, the mom called the school where hubby works and told the principal that he is harassing the young teen. A total lie, he ignores her as she has been antagonistic towards him. Thankfully, because of the mom's history and run-ins with the law, no one takes her seriously. My point is, prior to this mess, we would have agreed to open adoption (we are still waiting for our forever child/ren). Now, there is no way that I will deal with a drug addict, a mentally unstable bioparent, or crazy gps. If there was a non-abusing bio relative, I MIGHT agree to OCCASIONAL SUPERVISED visitation. I would NEVER let them know where we live. Those of you who do, I'm happy for you, but you never know when that relationship might deteriorate. Thankfully, this crazy loser is disabled, her friends are all drug-addicted or alcoholics, with no transportation, so I'm not physically fearful. But she dwells on things and wants revenge, so who knows when she might dredge up another untruth?? I've seen the seedy underside of our pleasant country community and have been shocked. I also know that I don't want to deal with people who have these kinds of problems, and they scare me. They are paranoid and don't think like those of us leading responsible lives (now I sound paranoid, lol!). Make a careful choice!