Why doesn't he want to talk to me?

Hi Legally Kim- I do not have a son, but have a daughter who will be 16 tomorrow. I just recently found some information and researched it and may know where she is living with her parents. I want and need very badly to confirm this information so that I might be able to get at least some peace. I know that she is still very young and I am not sure if her parents have even told her that she is adopted. I hope that they have given her that opportunity to know someday about herself and her roots. I want so badly to just call them up and talk to the aparents but I do not want to interrupt my daughter's life right now. I have their home email and street address and phone. I also have the parents work phone and email. I do not want to scare them off. She is in high school and it would be traumatic right now I think. I was wondering, how did you come about talking with your son's adoptive parents. Did you have a closed adoption and somehow located them and then contacted them or how did it come about? What kind of attitude do the aparents have about you contacting or communicating with them? Did they just tell your son that they had been communicating with you and that he had the option to contact you? I do not know what to do. I am dying not knowing for sure. Any suggestions, anyone? Thanks for any replies. Hugs!

Deborah, Actually, I am probably the luckiest bmom in a closed adoption ever. My son's Amom contacted me. She is really secure in her relationship with her son and is excited for him to have the opportunity to meet me. Sometimes I think she and I must be more excited about it than he is, hence my confusion! She and my birthson talked about it, and had hoped to find his birthfather and I by the time he graduated in over 2 years from that time. She was quite surprised to make one phone call and have every phone number available to both his birthfather and I. His Amom is divorced from his Adad, and although I haven't talked with his Adad, it is my understanding that he is not happy about it but is being supportive to his son. All I can offer is what I would do in your situation - which is at least try. I would send a letter and see what kind of a response you get. Had I the opportunity sooner with my son, that is what I would have done. Hugs and Best of luck to you! Kim

Hi. Thanks for responding so quickly. That is such a wonderful thing to hear that his amom found you. I have always hoped and prayed that maybe my daughter's aparents would come to find me one day. I have searched this forum through and through very frequently in hopes that maybe one of them or my daughter might have posted by chance. I am about 95% sure in my heart that this couple and daughter that I have found is her family. There is still that small chance that it isn't. I feel for some reason in my heart that if I wrote the aparents(either by mail at their work or email at work) that at least I would know that she(my daughter) would not accidentally find it. In which, I do not want her to get surprised if she does not know about her being adopted.My mother and father(my adoptive parents as well) feel that I might cause a tragedy and make them get fearful and run and move away if I wrote them or called them. I would like to only ask her parents to have a kind heart and write me an update on her life and send me some pictures throughout her life so that I know that she has had a happy life and is continuing to have one. I also would like to advise them with my own experiences of also being adopted, that there is usually a great need as an adoptee to find out where they come from and they also deserve to know their background and medical history and I would like to ask them to please consider this if they have not told her yet. She deserves that. I also want them to tell her that I am open to whatever relationship she desires, even if it is just to know more about who she is. Thanks again for responding and I will try to let you know what happens or what I decide. I do not quite know what to tell you as far as your son goes. He is probably just at that teenage year stage where there is just so much other stuff going on in his life that he just feels like he cannot deal with getting to know you right now. Be patient. I always wondered about my birthmom throughout those teenage years but did not decide that I had to find her until I was about 21. Take care and good luck to you also!!! Hugs!!!

Kim..... I too have constant contact with my bdaughter's amom, but VERY little with my bdaughter. She has written me a few times over the last year, but never a phone conversation. She is just not ready for full contact and she just turned 20. I know it is going to require MUCH patience on my part, so I must sit back and just wait until she is ready. It does puzzle me....Sometimes I wish she would open up and talk to me. I would love to know how she feels, but I know this is not possible for now. In time maybe, but for now I must wait!!! I wanted you to know you are not alone.....So I guess we can be patient together!!!!! :rolleyes: It is hard girl, but We Can Do It!!!!! Staci :D

I wouldn't worry about your situation. It actually sounds pretty good. It's hard to understand but I don't think it's anything to worry about since he says that he wants to meet you and that he wants to hear updates through his amom. What I liken this to - at Christmas time, I would search the house looking for all my presents and I would even go so far as to unwrap and rewrap the gifts I found because when I have access to info. I want to know it all! My little brother on the other hand would never search for gifts with me because he hates to spoil a surprise - haha, even when I had unwrapped and rewrapped his gifts he never wanted me to tell him what he was getting. He wanted the surprise all at one time! condetti123, I agree with Kim.....try sending a letter to your daughter's aparents and see what happens? You should send it by certified mail so you will have confirmation that it was indeed received by the person that you intended it for. Perhaps keep this letter short and sweet...especially since you are not 100% sure this is the family you are looking for. Good luck to each of you! You too Staci!

LegallyKim wrote.. His Amom is divorced from his Adad, and although I haven't talked with his Adad, it is my understanding that he is not happy about it but is being supportive to his son. That may be the problem.. Just a guess tho.. But the boy may be torn.. Torn between the adad and the amom and you.. He may want to take a pass and get on with being a teen.. I say back off.. Jackie

Is it just differenct for boys than girls? I sometimes think it IS different for boys. My boyfriend is adopted, and has absolutely NO interest in seeking his bparents. My sister has an adopted brohter (long story) who is also not that interested. Plus, your son may not know himself why he feels this way. Maybe he's just trying to give himself time to be able to deal with this.

Thanks everyone for your reply. My son's Amom doesn't understand why he doesn't want to talk or see my pictures yet either. We've just decided to not understand it, but respect it. Yesterday was his birthday. He told his Mom that he would like to receive letters from me. That's a step. She also said he is very excited to meet me and is planning on flying here the day after school is out. It sounds to me that he does very much want to meet me, he just has his own idea about how he wants everything to happen. Staci, the waiting is hard - but probably something that birthmothers are better at than anyone else. Fatbirdy: I love the Christmas analogy. I guess I can't understand because I am one of those people who peek at their presents and I want to peek at my "present" now! Kim

Kim, As an adoptee, I can tell you that right now he's 16, probably feeling somewhat afraid to accept your reaching out for fear of betrayal to his Aparents <quite possibly>...don't ever give up!! I've been in his situation. He does want to know you, see you. Just not right now. When he's out on his own and can speak to you without fear of hurting his parents feelings (even if his amom and adad are urging him to speak to you). Just don't give up, one day it will happen. Adoptees all have a yearning to see their mom and dads, just some of us decide to look later in life. I hope this gives you some hope. Good luck and I hope you a memorable reunion and relationship with your son.

Hi Jeff, your post was a long time ago so I don't know if you'll ever read this but, I am a bmom, and I have maintained contact with his amom all along. but he's 24 now and from his childhood when he was interested in me, to his adulthood, something happened. He wants nothing to do with me. It's breaking my heart. but you say that all adoptees want to see their bmoms. I really hope that he gets there someday. and as I was 32, I hope he doesn't wait till he's in bhis 40s. Even if I'm still around I'll be quite an old lady! Thanks for saying that, it gives me hope. Sally