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I really have a few questions. I am currently looking to adopt. Well, my husband and I were informed a week or so ago that a cousin is pregnant, and is not keeping the baby. Seems they already have 3 kids, and are seriously struggling in their marriage, and having a hard time making ends meet. Plus, not the mention the father has been totally unfaithful, and has another girl pregnant. So, the mom (cousin-in-law) and the dad (my husbands cousin) decided they are going to put the baby up for adoption.
Well, we was told that it could be a possibility for us to see about adopting the baby. But, my major concern is seems they are family, wouldn't that make the process even harder on the birthmom? Seems we would see her at like family reunions (that's if they stay together), but even if we didn't see her there's always the dad seems he's the cousin. Which he's not really my concern. I am so worried for the mom. I don't want to make her uncomfortable seeing us with her child.
I know she's an excellent mom to her 3 kids she already has, and is just doing what's best for her and her other kids. Seems she's the one supporting them, and her husband doesn't work, or as you can tell really care. I am just concerned for her well being. Or make her choice any harder on her. So, my main question is would you as a birthmother be uncomfortable with a situation like this? I know they've already asked the aunt (his sister) to adopt the baby. Which she just recently had a baby a little over a year ago, and told them she wasn't ready for another child at this time. She's the one that actually suggested we talk with them about us adopting the baby.
I don't want to cause a family fued later on down the road though. I mean because if we did adopt the baby my husband's parents would be the grandparents, and not his aunt and uncle (the parents to his cousin). Which would make me always wonder if they was hurt by this as well. I know it's gonna be a hard enough choice for them to accept that they are giving the baby up for adoption after having 3 other grandkids. Also, I don't want any hard feelings towards us.
Also, I don't want the child to feel like it wasn't wanted by it's parents, so we just took it to raise. Seems we would want to be totally open when the child was old enough to understand that it was adopted. That we desperately wanted it to raise, and that the parents did love him/her but just wasn't able to care for her/him. So, they made the choice for his/her best interest. I would want the child to also know her/his siblings as well. Seems we think it important they know all their family and don't want to hide anything, so it comes back on us. We just want to give the child respect, and show it honesty.
Then on the other hand I am totally scared of the idea that the child is actually family, and the parents may change their mind once we are attached, then there would be that grudge in the family. I am just really at a loss on what we should do. My heart is telling me to do it. But, my mind is telling me it's not a good idea. Seems there could be so many hard feelings in the end.
I mean my husband and I would love to have another child, but don't want to have to live with the fear of hurting people just do so. Or hurting the birthmother more in process making her life even harder than it should be. Because she was caring enough to have the child and give it life instead of having an abortion, so that right there shows how much she cares. Which makes me respect and admire her even more for her choice.
So as a birthmother giving your child the gift of life how would this situation be for you? Please be honest, I willing to accept learning cristism. I just want to do what's best not only for the Mom but also the child.
Thanks so much and God Bless,
Melissa
Ps. Sorry this post is so long.... :confused:
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Originally posted by Mom2Austin
But, my major concern is seems they are family, wouldn't that make the process even harder on the birthmom? Seems we would see her at like family reunions (that's if they stay together), but even if we didn't see her there's always the dad seems he's the cousin. Which he's not really my concern. I am so worried for the mom. I don't want to make her uncomfortable seeing us with her child.
That's what open adoption is about. You can talk about family reunions, how they would be handled. It may be easier for her in knowing you and knowing who is raising her. Kinship adoptions can be tricky, but as long as the connections are honored than there will be clear roles. For example, if she decides to place she would be "the birthmom", not a cousin, and her children would be siblings. It sounds to me as if you already understand that.
Originally posted by Mom2Austin
ISo, my main question is would you as a birthmother be uncomfortable with a situation like this? I know they've already asked the aunt (his sister) to adopt the baby. Which she just recently had a baby a little over a year ago, and told them she wasn't ready for another child at this time. She's the one that actually suggested we talk with them about us adopting the baby.
It already sounds as if she is comfortable keeping the child "in the family". Is she getting any counseling or support.
Originally posted by Mom2Austin
I mean because if we did adopt the baby my husband's parents would be the grandparents, and not his aunt and uncle (the parents to his cousin).
Can anyone have too many grandparents? Certainly they would be primary, but in most open adoptions I know the child refers to the birthparents parents as grandma and grandpa (or some such designation... Nana and Pappy, etc.) My kids have "grandparents" that are not even related to them in any way. Remember, it takes a lot to confuse kids. They look at the role people play in their lives not the title you give them.
Originally posted by Mom2Austin
Then on the other hand I am totally scared of the idea that the child is actually family, and the parents may change their mind once we are attached, then there would be that grudge in the family. I am just really at a loss on what we should do. My heart is telling me to do it. But, my mind is telling me it's not a good idea. Seems there could be so many hard feelings in the end.
There is risk in any adoption. Also remember that just because a birthparent may regret a decision or parts of the decision to place does not mean that they are going to hold it against you. It is not about you. It is about them and the decisions they made.
If you need more information on open adoption e-mail me. brenr@openadoptioninsight.org
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hi my names sam,and im in the same situation theyre in.i have 3 children,ages 5,4,and 18 months,and am 7 months pregnant with my fourth child.im planning to let my parents adopt my child,as i dont think i could take care of her.my childrens father died last oct,shorlty before i discovered i was pregnant again.i miss thier father terribly,and wish he was still here.it is akward for me,but my child needs a mother and a father,not just a mother. missing david in nyc
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Melissa,
As a searching birthmother, I would have given anything to have someone like you step in for us all those years ago. Like Brenda said, if the roles are recognized and the connections clear, I would think this could be a blessing to all concerned.
I would suggest counseling for both parties, if for no other reason, just to have a neutral person to help iron out concerns and responsibilities.
The obvious respect you show for the birthmother is a big plus and could bring so much healing to her, as this is not an easy decision to make. Since they have already approached another family member, I would think they are comfortable with a kinship adoption.
Best of luck on whatever decision you make.
Deb
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