China adoption

Welcome and congratulations on your decision to adopt. Our daughter came home from India in May. We belong to a Reform Temple (out of proximity more than outlook -- I consider myself Conservative). There are about 70 families who are members and I would say at least 7 who have adopted transracially from China, Cambodia, Vietnam, South America and the U.S. In fact, most of the time temple is the most integrated place I go (I live in a very rural state). The rabbi (an adoptive mom herself who is now raising her grandson) hosted a meeting to discuss identity issues with our kids. We hope to have another meeting soon -- it was really nice to talk to people with older children. I posted a question on these boards some time ago and found that others were seeing similar things in their communities. I'm confident that when my daughter is old enough to go to Jewish summer camp, it will look very different from when I was a child.

I know lots of Jewish kids adopted from Asia. One of them is my cousin. I also know lots of kids who are half Jewish/half Asian. I have also read articles in Jewish magazines about how there are no Jewish men left to marry because they're all married to Asian women. So if you don't already have Asians in your congregation, chances are, you will, one way or another. If you have thought about the complexities of transracial adoption, and you think you can handle it, don't worry about your congregation. People WILL say stupid things to you about adoption, about transracial adoption, and about your being Jewish and your child being Jewish. They will say these things because they are ignorant and/or insensitive. All you can do is to make sure that the people closest to you are enlightened enough to give you the support you need, and that you will be able to handle the crap from outsiders. Best wishes, Xanny

Thanks for the replies thus far. It's unfortunate that not everybody is raised with tact and socialized properly. I don't handle stupid comments well or whispering for that matter. It makes me so angry. But I am excited about the potential for welcoming someone into our family.

We adopted an African American girl domestically and have some close friends from our temple who adopted from China. I have found that Reconstructionist groups are likely to have a higher proportion of internationally or transracially adopted kids (just my experience). It may be because this type of synagoge is especially open to gay and lesbian families (who may be more likely to adopt).

I can't help but wonder how she is going to feel. Is she going to be resentful that she doesn't look like the rest of her family or that she won't be raised in a culture that she is expected to come from? Will she be disappointed? I'm just thinking out loud here. Trying to be sensitive to issues I'll never personally experience or have insight to.

Hi all, I just wanted to add that my kids go to an Orthodox Jewish school and there are more than a few little girls in their classes who have been adopted from China. Our community is (happily) expanding and one can no longer say who "looks" Jewish and who doesn't. I am sure that you will occasionally get insensitive remarks from ignorant people, but most kids get teased for one reason or the other at some point in their lives. I know that my kids don't give it a second thought that these little girls look different- except maybe my 9 year old son who keeps telling me how pretty one of them is! LOL (starting already- sigh...;) ) Kelly

There's really no way to know if your future daughter will resent being adopted transracially/culturally. I think for children who are now adults, their opinions vary. So much of it depends on the personality of the child. For me, I figure I can't worry about resentment. I can only do the best I can to embrace my daughter's ethnicity and teach her to be proud of who she is. There is a lot of support out there for families who have adopted from China, so these days children are likely to see other families who look like theirs. I think families now are more likely to embrace the birth culture of their children. Kate, are there no such families in your synagogue? Perhaps you might want to go shul shopping to find a community where there are other families that are of mixed ethnicity.