I don't know what else to do...

I just had my baby a week ago, he went home with the amom and I came home alone. If your this upset over it already you shouldn't do it. This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. I wish I wouldn't have done it. I don't know any of your reasons but all of mine now seem unimportant. Please think about it, and see if there's anyway you can keep your child.

One thing I've been doing a lot of is thinking. It seems to be all I do anymore. Something deep inside tells me I don't want to do this, but at the same time I feel selfish towards my baby. Shouldn't I be putting his or her needs first instead of my own desire to keep my baby? Me and my husband have spent many hours going over any options and ideas on how we can financially afford to make this work. Our biggest problem it seems is the months after the baby is born. Neither of us has any family in the area and my husband doesnt even have any contact with his family. I do talk to my parents regularly but so far they havent offered anything to make this work either. We're still trying to look through ideas and options but so far nothing has come to light. Thanks for the kind words and support. ~Nikki~

You shouldn't feel selfish for wanting to keep your baby. You can do just as good as someone else. Maybe you'll have to use cheap diapers and get on welfare, but believe me it's worth it. You pay into that so don't feel bad using it. What's more important your pride or your baby? You can also get help with child care. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. You won't regret keeping your baby, but you probably will regret giving it up. PLEASE, PLEASE think about all this.

Nikki, it's not selfish to keep your baby, and it's not necessarily selfLESS to place him or her for adoption. It's a really complex situation that requires a lot of research and thought. We're here, and we're listening. I don't know many people here who will "tell" you what to do, but we can encourage you through your process, whatever that is. Try contacting Brenda Romanchik through this site -- I think her sign-on name is bromanchik. Do a member search and you should be able to find her. She's a birthmother in an open adoption. I've struggled with depression for most of my life and it can be REALLY debilitating. Just wanted you to know we're here for you, whatever decision you make.

Nikki... I am on the other side, I am a future adoptive mom. I can imagine you have thought about it a lot. I do not know your particular situation, from what you said it seemed to me that your problem is finances. Just my oppinion... if that is the main reason why you are placing your child for adoption, I would say... keep your baby. Love is more important than having a huge wealth. You are not selfish for wanting to have your baby because you are going to give him or her the biggest love there is... a mothers love, and that is more important than anything. Good luck with any decision you make. Pat

I totally agree with Goma, if finances are your only problem.....really try to make a plan that enables you to keep your baby. You are married, have a 2 parent home, supportive husband.....these are major things. I am not however underestimating the importance of having money..... Have you discussed with your family that you and hubby are thinking about adoption? You should lay out all your issues on the table and ASK for help. You need to explore all your avaliable resources. Have you and your husband discussed about how many years it will be until you will be ready to have a baby? My bmom place me when she was unmarried and 20. She later married her husband (not my dad) and started having the kids she kept in her 30's.....many years after my birth and she has told me that getting pregnant again was torturous and she had to grieve me again with each pregnancy. She also said my adoption has effected the way she mothers the kids she kept. She told me that she has never been comfortable with the mother role and in some ways feels undeserving and unworthy....these are her feelings - you will have your own feelings but I think you really need to explore what this adoption will look and feel like....for the rest of your life. I don't envy your position....this is a very difficult situation. I hope you can work out whatever solution is best for you!

Nikki - If you are thinking it is selfish to keep your baby you are thinking about this in the way the adoption industry wants you to think. They have found a devious way to turn the tables on expecting moms who have financial woes. You have every right to keep your baby, you baby wants to be with you and no one else. Any one else can only be a very good substitute for you. Your baby is the selfish one if any one is selfish. Babies want their mothers - they have been nurtured for 9 months my their mother, they want their mothers when they enter the world.Why would any living human being want to be raised by any one other than their true family unless they were being abused and in harms way? Even abused children can love their parents and it is a horrible experience for them to be separated but society knows it is the right thing to do to protect the life of the child. Are we talking about protecting the life of your child here? If you have problems other than financial such as substance abuse, now is the time to get treatment. I am sorry to come on strong here and I may be off base making reference to other problems that I may know nothing about, but adoption is final and you may be sentencing yourself and your husband to a lifetime prison term of grief and second thoughts.

I hope that you listen to your heart and know that there is pain in every aspect of adoption. I am a hopeful adoptive parent. I want you to know that I cry at the same commercials. I had always thought that by this stage in my life I would have 2 children, but that is not the way that my life has worked out. I want you to know that there are a lot of people that are here to help you. I would love to help you if I can if it is only to listen. I am planning to adopt from foster care because of all of the destroyed life that traditional adoptions leave in their paths. I am going to pray that you do what is best for you and your child, if you would like to talk here is my email address: janieceowens@hotmail.com

Nikki, I think you have gotten some good food for thought here. As a birth mother, I can tell you that this is a decision you and your husband are going to have to make on your own. If the problems are financial, they can work themselves out in time. There are federal student aid grants available to both you and your husband which will even pay childcare while you are in school so you can further your education and give your baby a good life. As Kindreds pointed out, if you have any other problems, substance abuse or whatever, there are ways to get that help also. Many people struggle early on, then come through the slump and go on to have a comfortable life. On the other hand, there are some wonderful families out there who would be honored to parent your child, should you decide to go with adoption. Many of the people here on the forum are having great results with open adoptions; however, I am not one of them. You will have the ultimate say in the people you want to raise your child. I wish there were some magic words I could say to both of you that would solve the confussion and mixed emotions that you are feeling, but there aren't. Just do a lot of soul searching and talking it through...then follow your hearts. You'll know the right path to take. Before you make any decision, be sure you explore all your options. We are here for you. We understand. ((((((BIG HUGS TO YOU BOTH)))))) Deb

Nikki I read your post,and I feel so bad for you.I wish I could help you out you sound like you would be such a good mother.Remember whatever you decide you gave your baby the best gift ever and that is the gift of life! I cannot pretend to know what you are going through because I have never had to make such a choice.If you don't mind my asking what state are you from? Are you sure you have nobody that could help as far as even babysitting? I am sure you have went through all these options a zillion times.I just find it hard to believe there are no alternatives for help if you both decided to keep the baby.I myself and my boyfriend helped out a mother who has a couple of children because the biological dad had walked out on her.We always babysit for free and help her with the kids.If you are that depressed now I hate to see how you will be after this baby is born.Adoption is not for everyone and you need to be honest with yourself if you do not think you can hand your baby over please do not make any commitment to do so.I read some of the other post and I totally disagree that nobody can love your child as much as you do---being someone who would love nothing more then to adopt a baby I know firsthand that adoptive parents can love a child even if its not biologically their own! I will agree however adoption is not for everyone.I know of many couples who adopted children and they love those children very,very much and the children are treated as if they were their own! I see the love these adoptive parents have for their adoptive children.Not all adoptions are bad.There are many,many couples who could and would provide stability,understanding,and lots and lots of love for your baby.Just know that if you need someone to email or just listen you can PM me.I strongly feel like everyone else adoption is not what you really want and you must be careful because the boards are filled with some biological moms who regretted giving their baby up.Just pray things will somehow work out and just go with what your heart feels.God Bless

First of all I wanted to apoligize for how long it took me to reply back to everyone. I use the computer at the library right now and it was closed durnig spring break, so I couldn't log on to the boards for about a week. With that said I also wanted to thank everyone for all the kind words and support that I received through all the messages here. I've been doing a bit better with my decision, and me and my husband will be starting to look at possible adoptive parents for our baby this week. My husband has been a big help to me and my major supporter through this tough situatuin so far. So thank you again to everyone who posted with encourgment. Sometimes just knowing someone is listening is the biggest help of all. ~Nikki~

I was just wondering how things are going for you.I noticed you had a few post out there and just was a little concerned for you.I see from your last post that you and your husband are looking at adoptive parents.I am just wishing things are going well please keep us posted.i hope you find peace in whatever you both decide for your little one.God Bless

Yes, it's very hard to place a child through adoption whether it's open or closed. I placed my son 19 months ago, and I'm very happy with my choice. I laid in bed for weeks and cried because I missed him so much, but it was the best choice for him. The pain gets easier, although it will never completely go away. I'm doing everything I was before he was born, and my life is wonderful right now. I was blessed to find such a wonderful family for him.

Money doesnt make a family, hard work and love make a family. There are many options out there. Talk to your husband, let him help you. I know firsthand men can be frustrating, especially when you have all these hormones to deal with, but he probably needs you too. Whatever decision you make it will be hard. I had my first child when I was 17, the choice to keep her was very difficult at times, but now she's six and I would keep her all over again. Babysitters, daycare and all. I am now in a much better financial position, pregnant again, and choosing to give this one up for adoption. This one would probably be easier for me to keep than it was to keep my first, but my decision isnt based on finances, its based on feeling. Do what you feel is right, and it cant be wrong. I wish you all the best in your pregnancy and hope everything turns out for you. Shellie

Dear Nikki, Just read your post , I am trying to understand what you are thinking of doing, ie, giving your baby up for adoption. If you were alone and didnt have the support of your partner, then maybe I can understand why you might consider giving your baby away, for a hopefully better life. There are two of you though, surely you can work it out, I know its difficult when finances are tight. When my first daughter was born, we did not have much money at all, but were so happy and just got on with it, things did improve in time, but for a while we could just about pay for the mortgage and food, nothing at all for extras, but just all being together was enough. It worries me that it almost is begining to look like another option , and there seem to be so many adoption agencies waiting to place babies with new families. There will always be a need for adoption, I know this and am an adoptee myself, my mother was ill and was not capable of looking after me, so she was left with little choice. What I'm trying to say is, it should only be a last resort, when all the other doors are closed. If you do this now, there is a good chance that one day you will regret it, and if you have any other children that you keep, how will they feel. So many things to consider, I would hope you keep your child, but of course the final decision is yours and your partners. Renda