b-moms, what would be "dream day" spent with Afamily before birth?

When I was about eight months pregnant, my daughters mom and I went to a spa for a massage and some pampering...it was really nice :)

well where do I being.. Im an adoptee and I gave my son to a wonderful couple...the best thing that I found is that they made me fell as if I had a part in what was going to go on with the baby... we picked clothing...looked at names...anything to make it feel like "family"....Please never loose contact with that b-mom...I know most adopted parents go through the what if stage... if you make her feel as if she is part of the family shes less likely to change her mind later..... Good luck with everything Danielle

I met my APs a few months before I gave birth. The summer vacations really put a hamper on things-but we did manage to spend a lot of time together. I went to their house for dinner and old-fashioned conversation a few times. They came over to mine for the same. We had card nights. We took their son to his grandparents to play for an eveining. There were many trips to the mall to go baby shopping (the agency wouldn't allow us to spend money on eachother because of the "coersion factor"-legally it wasn't a good idea no matter what our intentions were). We basically had fun as a family. There weren't any shared doctor's appointments because it just didn't work out. What would have been fun would be to go to the local university (or medical school) and get a free ultrasound done-the students here practice on pregnant women who want more pictures of baby. Do this- take a TON of pictures of birthmom pregnant. Take her to the park and snap off a whole roll. She'll protest, but I promise she'll regret not having any...and your baby will get a kick out of it later in life. Hope it helps. Hint: don't be more open than you are planning to be after placement or you will absolutely devestate your birthmother.

Thanks everyone. You have some great suggestions. Unfortunately, our bmom has told the liason between us and her that she doesn't want us to have as much contact the closer she gets to her due date. It is hard to go from seeing her twice a week and daily phone calls to seeing her once every other week and only phone calls twice a week. I understand this has got to be a very rough time for her. I can't even begin to imagine what she is feeling. She is due 5/25, so hopefully the time will pass quickly for her. Thanks again! Good luck to you all!

Don't despair. In retrospect that's what I wish I'd have done too. I was bombarded by adoptive family and extended family in the hospital and the APs seemed to never leave. They were always nice but I needed time to say hello and goodbye to my girl-which I don't feel I got at the time and it made life exponentially harder after placement and it made it MUCH harder to sign the paperwork. I mean, how can you say goodbye to someone you haven't bonded with yet? It's awful! So, don't worry. Give her lots of space and make youself scarce at the hospital. The greatest gift of love to me would have been for the APs to step back and say "see you in 3 days" and let me have some time. I was far too worried about them and too meek to even consider telling them to leave. Plus, why would I want to boss around someone who held the key to my very happiness after placement? She's probably VERY scared and very nervous...but also very brave to ask for the space she must need! Just pray your heart out and send her a note now and then. It's really overwhelming-especially close to delivery. PM me if you'd like to talk further.

There were some great answers given here ...I know I could go for a spa treatment!! :) But, I have to add ... that a dream day for many birthmoms would be knowing the aparents/amom would want to spend some time with her after the adoption -- it's one thing to spend all the time in the world before the baby comes ...but after the adoption, so many birthmoms fear they'll be forgotten. And of course, I'm a mom too ...I know those first few months are hectic and the baby should be the main focus ... but I believe, life is too short to be too busy all the time for people who matter in your life. Good luck! Skye

lilifelover I love what you had to say about giving space to the expectant Mom...that really makes sense. The hospital time is so sacred. I realize that for many of us amoms we will never have the hospital experience ourselves (for better or for worse ;) ) but that time truly is sacred time for the one who gave birth and the one who was born. I also love the idea of pictures before birth!! Both of my childrens births were kept secret so there are no pictures. I am sure that their birthparents as well as my kids would appreciate them now. Great idea/tip Thanks Katie

Yeah. I called the Amom at 5 am and hoped to wake her up cause she said she always wanted that rush of saying, "Honey, it's time!" Well...she sounded more crabby than awake. Guess it's different when you're the one in labor! I know I didn't sleep that night at all...or the one after that... They were there for all of labor, walking in and out...they were probably bored to tears. They weren't going to be there for delivery...but it turned into a c-section so I didn't feel so bad...they couldn't have been there anyway. I wanted to be the first to see her and hold her. She was my baby...and if I had chosen not to place then I would have died knowing I didn't take advantage of our most special moment (I would have anyway thinkin back on it). It was a bad idea to have the ENTIRE family in the hospital that next day. I had slept a grand total of 4 or 5 hours that night before with the feedings and doctors comming in and out. I had to wake Faith up to feed her even, she wanted to sleep too! I did let them come hang out with us. That was okay. I should have asked for more time alone with her. We were alone for maybe an hour spread out over 3 days. I guess that's just how it is when you have a baby...I didn't care as long as I got to hold her. That second day she was taken away from me by the Afamily...and they stood all around the other half of my room with my daughter while I was confined to my bed by wires and tubes and staples and all things gross...till hours later I finally asked my mom for her back on the brink of a breakdown. I definately wish I had taken more pictures while I was pregnant. I didn't much like that I was a blimp, but I was kind of cute lookin back on it! I only have a few pictures that show me from the shoulders down and they're pretty icky in my opinion...but that's my proof that Faith grew in my tummy and she'll appreciate it someday. If she wants more proof I have about 2 million stretch marks and one great big glory scar! By the way, you are quite the cheerful Amom. Rock on!

Thank you for sharing your story!! I love that about this forum. It really helps me kind of "walk in anothers shoes" so to speak. We are currently waiting to adopt again. We have twice before and things are really positive (as far as I know) with all parties at this point. I want to continue to educate myself as much as possible as I think that knowledge and good communication go along way in making the situation as positive as possible. I really appreciate your insight! You sound like strong well grounded person and pretty cheerful yourself :D!! Have a great night! Katie

well grounded depending on the day, of course. If I haven't already reccomended it to you...read "Lifegivers" by James L Gritter...then read "The Spirit of Open Adoption" by the same guy! Guides to help you on your way.... :D

Since the expectant mom isn't spending as much time with you now.. I would treat her to a manicure, pedicure and massage, by herself.. It will make her refreshed and have some time to herself... I know you have to be careful what you spent on them, but I would of done it anyway...:D Cathy

Hi, I haven't been around here that long but I was wondering if anyone knew how things worked out with 3. God Bless, Rosa

I'd make out gift certificates for her like: 1 trip to the zoo as a family 1 dinner as a family You get the idea. Just to let her know she IS one of the best people in your life.

A dream day for me would be go to a beach or swimming pool or a national park and for one day not talk about the baby or adoption.