Do we have a chance at adoption?

Danielle, Hi I'm an adoptive mom of a wonderful daughter and hoping to adopt a 2nd child, all birth moms want somthing different, if adopting is somthing you really think is best for your family, just go for it and be yourself, if its right God will bless you with the perfect birth mom and child. if you have questions on adoption please feel free to Pm me or email :) Take care Shannon

I think your situation will raise a number of red flags. Most agencies want to see that the couple has been in a stable, long term relationship. They will definitely question the age difference and want to know how old you were when you and your husband started dating (whether or not you were under 18 at the time). Lots of states have rules where you have to be over 21 to adopt.

I interned at the agency I'm adopting through (over 10 years ago) and I think you'd have a tough time being approved, if you were approved.

I feel like this is a <insert witty insperation here> :) You say you want to adopt, because you were once lost and alone, and discovered something wonderful, a family. Have you considered fostering? Or adopting a waiting child? These children are not expecting moms, but they are children who need and want a family. You will find that the requirements are lower. In some states you can foster as early as 18. In FL it is required that you be married 1 year, as opposed to some infant adoption agencies which require 3-5 years of marriage. I wasn't sure if you knew this was an option for you. You will also find that the $$$$ are much less when you adopt out of the foster care system. There is lots to learn, if you're interested.

As far as how old I was when we met, and all the red flags I could raise. You are priding into my life a little. But I was 18 when we met in person. I talked online with him for 7 months. My parents knew of him and wanted to meet him for themself. I love him very much and am not ashamed of our relationship and age difference at all. When people see me and meet me they have absolutely no idea of my age, that is because I am a responsible adult and mother of a beautiful 12 month old son. This may bother some people but the subject never comes up because , again, I do not look or act my age. Which was one of many reasons that I am with an older man. Yes, I have looked at all our options of adoption. In fact, I have info. packets ranging from International, domestic open adoption, and one on fostering to adopt. We finaly BOTH decided that we would rather do international but cost got in the way. And then we discovred Ethiopia and both of us fell in love with the country and idea of bring a child home that would otherwise live in poverty. We filled out the application last night. But I do thank you for your input on dom. adoption. As far as agencies not wanting to work with us, it's not true. I have only been turned down by two, based on age. Others have welcomed us to their program for aa/biracial infants. Atleast 3 off the top off my head. I always feel out of place. I am young but have different goals than most girls my age. And women that are older than me, well, think I am off my rocker. I do not enjoy being looked at this way, it is very lonely. I have a hard time fitting in, but it's not the most important thing to me. Loving children is. I am young and energetic I want to give this to children now not later! -Dani

I wasn't trying to pry into your life, I was merely pointing out the red flags that would be raised if you were trying to adopt or foster through the agency I am using. I was trying to help you think about some of the questions you might be asked.

I am aware of the problems that age difference can bring. I haven't walked into it blindly. I do expect our life to be invaded by a social worker, and I am sure it will come up. But, it has not stopped us from being able to adopt. Thank you for your concern. -Dani

I am not trying to get anyone worked up here, but the original post was "Do we have a chance at adoption?" and the first negative response was taken as an insult. I do not believe that the person who responded to the original post was trying to pry or offend anyone. Before you think that I am trying to judge your choices, I am not. I was in a relationship for many years (almost 13) that had a 12 year age gap, so I know where you are coming from. I found out that I had a horrible combination of female problems and was going to have to have a hysterectomy. So my spouse and I started trying frantically to have a baby. After years of putting off the inevitable, fertility drugs and clinics, and god only remembers how many surgeries. I was faced with this reality. No children and no possibility of ever having one. I was really young at the time. At the age of 25, I was forced to have my hysterectomy. At first I fell apart, but then I came to terms with it. It just wasn't my time. Now I am married to a wonderful man (closer to my own age), I have grown up considerably (even though I thought I was then) and we have decided that I was meant to be a mother, I just wasn't built to give birth. We decided there was a child out there that needs us more than any child we could create together. Adoption is a very touchy subject to each individual person. We all have our own reasons for what we decide (or feel). If you ask a question on a public forum, be ready for what people really feel. I do not think she was trying to pry, hurt your feelings or put you down. She was just stating her opinion. I do not believe your situation would stop all agencies from accepting you, but I do think prospective birthmothers *may* think twice before selectin you.

I am hardly offended by anyone elses comments, because they are all opinions. When you look for support it is hard when someone comes in with what you do not what to hear. And it is agrivating when someone is on another topic or mentions something that has nothing to do with what typed of answers you need. We did our research were excepted and had options open to our situation, at the time it only came down to the birth mother. But , as you know, we have changed the direction in which we want to adopt. We are adopting from Ethiopia and have already began our paper work and homestudy. We see much more of a need in international adoption. But were concerned about money, until we found a program that works for us. As for my husband and I , I do hope that we do not go through a long relationship like that and brake it off. (no offense, is intended). I can not imagine that pain. I believe strongly in marriage, my parents are still together, and I am very grateful. I wish you the best in being a mother. However people come to adoption, they should know it is worth it for that child. You do not have to be rich, young, or even unable to bare children (in my case) you just need to want to give a child love and a place to call their own. Wish you the best. -Dani

It's important to be clear and consistent about what you're asking for. The title of your post: It seems like you were asking for feedback. If you just want people to say, "Yes, great, everything sounds wonderful.", then you're not asking for support, but just for people to agree with you. Support is helping someone see different sides of the equation and honestly answering the question.

Since you're up on all it takes to be a mother, you realize how important good, healthy communication is. Good luck to you.

If you are wondering why people here are prying how are you going to deal with an adoption agency prying into EVERY aspect of your life? I think it is wonderful that you want to be a mother and are mature for your age. Have you considered foster/adopt or adopting a waiting child. It has been my experience that to adopt a healthy newborn you have to prove your infertility. I may be wrong, but I look at it as there are so many couples who can not get pregnant and want to parent and experience a child from birth. You are able to to experience that, and wanting to adopt so look at the thousands of waiting children who need a stable loving home.

I will deal fine with the prying. I was not asking anyone from the forums to do so, but it is fine. I am prepared for the experts dealing with my adoption to pry. I just finished writing my autobiography that I am prepared to share with whom ever I need to in order to adopt. Truly, the prying does not bother me. Sometimes when others you do not know do it...it can strike you different than even you yourself were prepared for and may take it wrong. But, life is not a puzzle, not every piece fits the way you want. And if you read what I wrote above you will see that I am now adopting internationaly from Ethiopia. And I have looked at every aspect of adoption. And then we even went back and looked again when we thought we had made up our minds. And it is funny that someone should mention communication. My husband thinks I am huge on being open and always wanting communication. Yes, I do understand what support is. I am not looking for someone to tell me what I want to hear. You even wrote down my quote but heard is differently. I was saying people WANT to hear things.....yes, all of us. When something strikes us wrong we get upset and say what we feel. And that is what I did. And that is why I said that we WANT , but _I_ know we can't always have what we want. It was my way of saying I said it out of frustration, therefore do not take it too seriously. I am up on all it takes to be a mother. I am one. Thank you for your comments. -Dani

Alot of adoption agencies that I spoke to said they want at least one of the spouses to be 21 do both of them dont have to be 21 just one of them has to be. I even spoke to an agency where they require one of you to be 25 years old.

All agencies are different. The ones that want you to be 25, most often, are the ones that do domestic infant adoption. Some of them do not have any restrictions, only that you are legal by law. International agencies seem to be more open with age. But the countries have there own laws, as well. But I have found no problem with many of the countires. There are options out there for just about anyone. You just have to keep looking. We researched every option there was in adoption before making a choice. And then we looked for the agency that would work with us, and we felt good about. I am just glad that we have made a choice even though we have just begun are adoption journey. -Dani

There is always private adoption. We adopted our daughter, then 8 years old via private adoption in the state of Texas. At that time I was 20, but because of the abuse our daughter had been facing, the court rushed the adoption thru. At that time, there was no age limit to complete a private adoption. So maybe you could think about that route as well. The only down side is you have to know the birthmother already or find a birthmother who wishes to have her child adopted. That is a very hard task at times. Good luck with the process.