What to do about questions about childs religion.

I just tell the truth. Since we don't know her birthmother, we have no way to tell. We're having her converted when she comes home, and we're raising her Jewish, so she will be a Jew. When people ask me that, I say, "She will be!" There are people who will question that, but who cares? Technically it's better to be a convert than to not know who your father is, anyway (among the closed-minded people who care about these things). In reality, this little boy will be Jewish from before he can remember. I think the less of a big deal you make it, the better. The same as you'd do if someone questioned if your daughter is your "real" child. You'd say, "Of course she is." So, will your son be Jewish? Of course. If you say it like that, I think people will have a hard time arguing with you. JMHO! Xanny

I agree. Before we converted my daughter I answered "she will be." Now she is Jewish (as Jewish as I am since my mother was a convert). In actuality, in the Orthodox community it's better to assume the child isn't Jewish and convert him or her if you don't know the circumstances of the conception. Children that are born of the result of adultery are shunned and can't marry other Orthodox. So Orthodox rabbis recommend adopting non Jewish children.

Xanny, I totally see where you're coming from. My husband is Jewish, I am not, however, our daughter is being raised Jewish in the Reform temple. When she was only days old I called our Rabbi and asked him what we should do to "make" her a Jew. He said that according to Reforms she needs only to be raised as a Jew and have a naming, Bat Mitzvah, and live a Jewish life. It's difficult for some family members to understand this way of "converting" her, but, she will be a Jew. The "yeah!" comment was completely out of line. I believe (please correct me if I'm wrong) that King David was decended from Ruth, who herself was a convert? As much as there shouldn't be, I believe there is a real bias in the Jewish community against converts. (one of the main reasons I have not converted!) Best of luck on your impending adoption!!

Thank you all for you comments on this - much appreciated!!

Dot, you might want to consider doing a formal conversion for your daughter although your rabbi says it's not necessary. His interpretation is _not_ universal among Reform rabbis and my sense is that the drift is toward a formal conversion. Also, it's much easier to do a conversion as an infant (basically dunking her in a natural body of water or a michvah). If she ever wants to marry in a Conservative synagogue, she would have to go through a formal conversion which would involve a lot more as an adult. My mother is a Jew by choice and we've never experienced any bias from within the Jewish community, although I know that's not the case everywhere. I do think as the make up of our congregations becomes more integrated, that attitude will become less prevalent. I would expect that as a non-Jew you would be more likely to feel like an outsider (for instance many synagogues don't allow voting privileges for non-Jews) than as someone who chooses to become a Jew. I think a lot of Jews by birth don't know the rules concerning conversion and adopted children. They may not know (as my own father didn't) that parents can convert their infant children and that they don't have to wait until their children are of age to perform the conversion. That may have been the motivation behind the "Yeah!" rather than a bias against the converted.

We have been thinking more about going the "whole nine yards" with her conversion... just for the reasons you mention. I live in the south and the Jewish community here is rather "clique"ish. When we visited our temple before joining, we were approached by one of the older members of the congregation who looked at me and said, "you're not Jewish" as an introduction! I know this is only the action on one member of the temple, and I have not had any incidents like that since, but it left a bad feeling. I told my husband that if I was a convert that he would have said the same thing to me, because I don't "look" Jewish, and it would have been even more hurtful. That's one of the reasons that I am considering a more formal conversion for Jane. I kind of want her to feel that she belongs to the faith without question. She has blue eyes and blonde hair and I'm sure her "Jewishness" will be questioned by her peers at some point. It would be good for her to be able to come back and defend without question or technicality that she is Jewish. Thanks for the advice :)

Gosh, I'm sorry someone was so rude -- I know other stories like that, but most of those stories are a generation old. I'm chuckling at the "you don't look Jewish" fears for your blue-eyed daughter. My daughter is Indian--and in our tiny 70-family congregation there are children who were born in China, Cambodia, Vietnam and Peru. There are also African American congregants. A blue eyed blonde wouldn't rate a second glance here (I know, I am one -- well, the blonde is out of a bottle, but the eyes are mine!).

Dot, there are lots of "full-blooded" Jews who have blonde hair and blue eyes. Ever been to The Netherlands? Or Denmark? There's a book that came out in the last year called Diaspora: Homelands in Exile by Frederic Brenner. A photographer spent 20 years travelling the world and taking pictures of Jews, and he found out there isn't a Jewish "look." The man in your congregation was speaking from an Eastern-European perspective. There are African Jews, Asian Jews, blonde, Jews, curly-haired, straight-haired, big-nosed, small-nosed and everything in between. You might want to invest in that book so that your daughter can see the truth of this. And maybe you should buy another copy for your congregations library, so THEY can see the truth of it. :) I'm going to get it because I think it's good for children who don't "look Jewish" to see that looks have very little to do with it. --Xanny

Thanks for the support and suggestions. It's clear there is no one clear path for conversion! Sorry to have hijacked your thread, Leslie!! Best wishes on your upcoming travel! Dot