this is a question for amoms

Short of my child's birthmom committing criminal acts, there is nothing. Even then I would send the cards and pictures to jail I think. If I really felt I had something to fear I may not allow face to face contact, but I would always find a way to let her know that our daughter was fine. Now what would I fear? I think only that my daughter was going to be in harm. Physical threats probably- I am really reaching because we have had an open adoption for 13 years and have never even had this cross our mind. I would say treat your son's aparents how you want to be treated- with respect- and I would never see a reason to cut off contact. Remember you both have different roles and your son can love you both. I would be honest if you have fears- have they shown any signs that make you think they will not honor their agreement? Lisa

We have two sets of siblings that we've adopted from foster care. Our state doesn't acknowledge OA in these kinds of adoptons, but I have agreements with their biomoms that we will have OA with two visits a year. The OA's will close if biomoms undermine us as parents with our children, if they come to visitations under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or if they present a danger to our children. BTW, our kids came into foster care from abuse and neglect. We are now in a situation where one of the bmoms remarried. Her husband is a convicted felon. He scares the kids. He makes me uncomfortable. I'm going to have to tell their bmom that he's not allowed to be at visits. It'll be in her court what she wants to do, stop visits or leave her husband at home. Good luck to you. I know our situations are much different. I pray that your child's aparents honor their agreement with you. You shouldn't have to walk around on egg-shells worrying about doing something wrong and closing the OA.

Hi Logansmom-- I'm sure your question is pretty common to birth moms after placement. In fact, I worry that our daughter's birth mom has fears about us ever closing the adoption as much as I try to reassure her. I will tell you though that like Lisa, unless Madison was ever in danger because of her birth mother's actions (a situation that I can't even imagine ever happening), I would never stand between the two of them. I think that it would be ok for you to talk to your child's adoptive parents about your fears and concerns if only to ease your mind. :) Dawn

My advice as an adoptive mom of only two months is to communicate your feelings with the adoptive parents, especially the adoptive mom. I would never want to close our adoption. We agreed to open adoption, just like the birthparents agreed to place their child with us. They didn't go back on their agreement, neither will I. Again, talk to them about your concerns. You may be surprised at what they say. Inga

logansmom asked, I'm an amom in a closed (international) and open adoption placement. My child was placed with us due to parental drug/alcohol issues, abuse, and inabilities to parent. My husband and I would not "close" the adoption permanently. We would however change it to a semi-open agreement if there was threat or harm exhibited or expressed to our family, calling or visiting "under the influence", or undermining our authority as the parents. We have calls monthly to talk with the child (the bparents can call and talk about the child as much as they would like) and visits whenever they can be arranged. (Bparents live in 2-different states and it does mean an almost 5-hour drive to visit.) We are definitely okay with that, just not every weekend. LOL. Please, just talk with the aparents. Let them know how you're feeling. The relationship will come with time to where everyone is comfortable. K.

I agree with pretty much what everybody else has said. This is still new to us too, but the only reason I would completely close our open adoption is if I felt that our daughter was in danger. I am prepared however, to restrict it (to just letters and pictures, etc. ) if I ever feel that it is necessary. I would recommend talking to the aparents and trying to define each of your roles and understand how open they want to be so you can set boundaries. Respect that they are the parents and they set the rules. It makes me uneasy when our daughter's bfather or grandmother tries to be over-involved. It's ironic, but the less they try to be overly-involved, the more invloved I'm willing to let them be. I understand where your coming from -- we are adopting our daughter through foster care (we've had her from birth) and were faced many times with the possibility of losing her and never being able to see her again. If we had a situation like yours -- you are giving your child a chance at a better life -- I would be much happier about maintaining contact. I'm glad to see a bmom who is sensitive about the aparents thoughts, and hope that they are as sensitive about yours. Good luck!:)