Lack for Self Control in foster son

Our daughter is 6 and we still are experiencing a lot of situations where there is a great deal of lack of self control. When she has already lost it we have been working on breathing deep and relaxation---which is not always working but has been helping. One thing I have talked to her about is "getting a hold on yourself" with support for her about being able to calm down and get hold of what she want, needs or is thinking about then breathing and calming down so we can talk about things. Her therapists has also had us play some games that help with self control. Simon says and Red light Green light seem to help children build the connections in their brains that help them master control over their thoughts and actions. Turhtfully I think these games ARE Helping very much and by playing them alot when things are going well--I can say Red Light when things are about to go crazy or Simon says smile--Simon says turn around three times---and I have found that often this stops a melt down right in it's tracks! Hopefully we can get some more tips here because many of us are dealing with this issue.

My son too ... My son behaved much the same way at 3 or 4 and is now 8 and still pretty much does. When you find the solution let me know!!! However, some things do help. We were ultra consistent ... and threats dont work, at least long term. I can threaten until I am blue in the face or tell him all the consequnces in the world and he just doesnt seem ABLE to stop. So.... we do damage control. He is going through a bed time fussing stage ... UGH thought that was done long ago. So ... we now put him to bed in a separate room (mine actually) away from his brothers where his rousing rendition of "everyone hates me I am so miserable" doesnt interfere with their sleep. Basically, I think I am adjusting (rather than him) to the reality that this is simply who he is. I am trying to fit in more positive cuddle times -- trying to help with his decision making process etc. This morning for example, he "Couldnt/wouldnt" take his meds (awful tasting stuff that he fights like crazy) and was working himself up to the point of hysteria when instead of getting frustrated or mad I simply started shouting "YEAH you are the FEAR FACTOR CHAMP ... go go go go go" ... he, despite himself, had to laugh at that and down it went. But will that work tomorrow? Absolutely not. so.... we start again.

thanks anna & jensboys, I'll have to try the control games. I just can't believe K has lost control of himself. He's perfectly fine at school, but isn't settled in there yet. His teachers say he hardly talks, at home he doesn't stop, unless he's crying. he got in trouble at school today for throwing sand on his head. you're right about consequences not working with him. i know we'll get through this stage somehow. :) LeenaB

What finally worked with my kids was giving them permission to throw a fit and encouraging them to throw a good one. They need to go to their rooms to do it and I tell them to take all the time they need to work it all out. It turned out that it was more of a control issue. They knew it made me crazy (they could keep it up for hours, the record goes to my son who screamed for 4 1/2 hours with me trying frantically to help him to stop) It does not work every time, but works most of the time. Refuse to let them suck you into a stressful situation, be there if they need you but do not assume that they do. Sometimes they do it to feel more powerful and in control (not in a good way)

When DS#2 was younger he could turn it on at the drop of a hat. It was a control thing for him too. He didn't have any control in his live before and he didn't know any other way to get what he wanted. I have seen him be able to stop, given the right motivation so I believe that as long as it worked for him, even sometimes, he relied. He has grown out of it to a degree and we will have weeks when I don't hear that wailing, then something will happen and there will be three or four in a short period. Last time was right after his 9th birthday. I had been expecting some meltdowns before (due to anxiety/bad memories) but they didn't happen, just excitement. After he must have had four in two weeks. I send him to his room to compose himself. I try to control myself too and not talk too much or give him extra attention. He really doesn't like to be separated and usually bellows more for a while. He will occassionally do something like hit his head on the wall or pound the bed. That usually gets me to give a warning about losing a priviledge. I know it's so he can have attention. When he is calmer, I try to talk to him about what happened, why he was sent to his room, what he can do differently, options to solve problems, and talk about appropriate behaviour and expectations. Hopefully your DS will start using his words and learn that his tantrums won't get him what he wants.

Hey welcome to the world of "dealing with children who have issues." Each and everyone of our Foster and Adopted children have these problems. Some easier than others. I have a 11 yr old daughter who acts like she is 3/4 yr level for most of her mental functions. The doctors have now figured that there must be some kind of FASE with her. Only took them 6 yrs to figure that one out. Our youngest has major issues also. Any child who has been removed from a home transfered to another is going to have behavior problems of some form or another. Some children seem to figure out how to live with life as it is but will decide at sometime to get agngry, scream, hate life in general no matter where you are no matter what is happening. Even if your child is only 4 he might still need some counselling and/or a med of some kind to help him find out what controll is like. Not that the med is the only way for him to obtain self control but it will help him find out that he could have some control over his outburst. You and he might just need that extra support. It couldn't hurt. Annie6 Mom of 4

WOW - the first thread I read in joining this board and I KNOW I'm in the right place. I have been a foster mom for 6 years. We currently have a child just turned four. We're his 5th home in less than a year. I agree with the post to give him permission to have a fit. Just set boundaries. We buy punching bags and have lots of stuffed animals in the rooms. I think for a lot of these kids they haven't been able to express themselves without getting into trouble. And then it bottles up. Rules . . . no destroying things. Be by yourself. We're lucky for him to have his own room right now. When you're done, you can come back and join us. Doesn't work with every kid, every time. But it keeps me more sane.

First, we have had the uncontrollable crying from our 6 yr old. He seems to go into this with little things like closing the bathroom door while he's using the bathroom. Or closing his door while dressing himself! Even sending him to the bathroom to start brushing his teeth if you don't go with him at that moment. Our therapist said it may be due to his feelings of abandonment or loss & just needs that reassurance (like stating we will stand outside the door while he's in the bathroom & talk the whole time so he knows we are there - then slowly pulling back). One odd way we found that has worked with both kids is what I call closet therapy! During visits from my mother-in-law, each kid has spent time sleeping in our walk-in closet on a cot! It is located on the other side of our master bath, without windows but the only access is through our room. After spending several weeks to a month in there, both kids have had positive responses in their self-control & overall behavior. It must build security. Be careful, though, with letting your child get through his fits on his own in his room. We did that for a while & it worked okay. However, at some point, if the child decides that they want you in there at any cost, no rules will stop that. Our son, age 6, decided he would take his shoes out & beat the walls & door. A few weeks later, he decided the curtain rod would do a better job. Then, when all else failed (due to removal of all items that could endanger himself or property), he decide to climb out the window. After this incident, we discussed this with his therapist, who told us that he probably needed to be restained during these tantrums. He showed us a proper hold (and we are signed up for a class to learn more), then told us to ignore the fit while holding & have a conversation about something else (like a fun memory or event coming up). Keep talking about something else. Finally, when they are quiet for 1/2 second, praise them heavily. If that gets them to calm down, then tell them you will let go if they are done. So, far this has stopped fits in a hurry compared to letting them go on & on in their room. Another technique that has worked for our younger son is 1-2-3 Turtle. When he's upset (not major fit), we say "1-2-3 Turtle" and leave him in his room. 1-Go inside your shell, 2-Breath deep & relax & 3-think of a solution! This is a techique given to us by their therapist & has worked well. Of course, a sheet was given with graphics that help him see what to do!!! Good luck! I hope all goes well! I love the Simon Says & Red Light, Green light idea as well. I think I will give those a try!!!

Amy, I am glad to hear your methods have worked for you..... What type of therapy have you used? Is the therapist a regular one or is yours trained with attachment and issues that children from Foster Care might have? As Amy has said many of the ideas that work with a standard child will not work on our children because thier issues are different and the reasons for their behavior are different then the average child. Our daughter does not want the bathroom door shut either--and not because of abandonmnet but because she had been locked in one as a little one--and left for several hours. She was not affraid we would leaver her there--she is affraid she will get locked in and cannot get out....she is also affraid to flush the toilet because at least one time it was flushed with her head in it.... We Never send her to her room for any extended period of time. Because when she is left alone in her room she tends to start fantasizine about her birthmother and goes into a world of her own....Our therapists suggests that we not leave her alone especially when she is out of control... We have our daughter stay in our sight and where we can intantly NOTICE when she does get control over herself---that way we can tell her what nice job she did getting her self together and give her hugs. She also has some real issue about sleeping and I solved that by putting a cot in her room where I can lay down with her and be there for her when she becomes overwhelmed.... or wakes up with bad dreams. I am sure the closet feels safe to your boys and I am glad that worked for you. It would not work for us because there are items we would rather not have her get into...and she needs to learn to respect our space.... Permission to rage-fit and tantrum We have a spot in the family room we set up with a rug on the floor and beanbag chairs. There are several pillows and stuffed animals and it is OK to have a tanturm if you are on the rug....in fact you can tantrum all you want on that rug right there where I can see what is happening..... It is called the safety zone and you are allowed to have any feelings you want while you are on the rug.....Lately I have set up an esil for drawing or scribbling feelings....and getting them out. I have heard of other families that pick a tree in the yard for having tantrums... Isolation does not work Our threapists has suggested that we never send her to her room where she might feel alone and go into a deeper stage of being out of control. Isolation can be very difficult for our little ones especially if they expereinced neglect or abuse. We see and use the bedroom as a safe haven and a special place where all the nice things are kept. Recently at Kindergarten our daughter made a Dream Catcher and it hangs near her window and belive it or not since it was put there she has not had a terrifying nightmare. We never use the bedroom for punishment at this stage. The first few months she was here I tried the bedroom and found that she became her old self in there all alone. The scard little girl who had no control over anything would come out and rage if she was sent there alone or felt that she was in so much trouble we might not forgive her.... Good times and bad times tape We have also used the vedio camera recently to tape her at her good times and then when a tantrum starts we tape it. Her punishment has been to watch herself at her best and then see herself at her worst.... Then we tape over the tantrum with her best again....This has had amazing results. Sometimes while watching herself tantrum she just says--, "Mommy I am so sorry I was so mean to you." Practice--Think and Remember We have also started to have her write sentances for certain bahaviors....."I will not spit"---"I will not throw things"--"My hands are nice"--"My words are nice" I wirte the sentance at the top of the page and she writes it 6-times to get out of trouble. This has been a great practice for her self control and also for her writing skills. She sits at the kithen table and writes them as a way to be all done with being in trouble. Our kid's have different expereinces then other children Our children have too tramatic of a past and are too young to spend time alone in their bedrooms. This kind of consequence works much better with older children after they have attached to us. I would expect my daughter to destroy her room if I sent her there as punishment. These children have little concept of time. A time out should be one minute for each year in age and our six year olds should not be timed out in their rooms or any place else for any longer then 6 mins.... Holding the three headed monster There are also methods that you can be trained in for theriputic holding and many times that is what our child needs. Some of them have been so abused before we became their parents that they do not even know they desperatly just need to be hugged and held through their pain.... Sending them to isolation in their bedrooms will cause them to attach with thier pillow or their teddy bears and not with us.... Attachment is a long process Our children often do not respond to the standard methods therapists without training and understanding of attachment would use. I urge anyone with a child who is raging and who was adopted or placed at an older age to make sure the therapy they use understands attachment and how it works. A doctor with any understanding of this would not reccomend isolation in the bedroom. Some of the little things in life need to be less of an issue at home. I am sure that at school and at other peoples homes closing the door to the bathroom is important and most likely not a problem--but, at home our child who wants to leave the door open is asking for an open line with us....they do not want to sever the connection and become isolated from us....We don't demand the bathroom door be closed if it is just family in the house.... Not right now--that is one battle that with time and company seems to be less and less an issue.... I see the need to keep the door open as a need to keep contact with the people that my daughter is trying to attach with.... Amy--I like the turtle game also--and will add that to Red light Green light and Simon Says.....

Thanks Anna, We are very new at this (8 mo) and still learning. When we got the kids, we didn't know about RAD. We didn't know about Sexual Reactive either. I mean, we heard about it, but these kids weren't diagnosed even after having seen a therapist for a year before moving in! It's amazing how they can charm others to believe they are fine! And the foster mother hid information from us while living in denial about the things going on in her house. It has been eye-opening for us! Our dilemna stems from finding out the older child was perpetrating on the younger one. That has forced us to keep both kids apart alot & never leave them alone. Even to run to the bathroom means both kids have to go to their room with alarms on! THAT is the very opposite of what a RAD kid needs. So, we are between a rock & hard place about this. We try to LIMIT any time alone but it does happen!!! Again, we truly appreciate the advice! We will try to implement much of it into our lives to help the kids! Thanks again!

The sexualized behaviors are by far the most horrible to deal with. Our daughter is sexualized and acts out toward grown men :( It is very difficult to deal with the issues of sexulized behaviors and attachment..... ! I can understand how frustrating this must be. We have had to impliment certain rules in our home too...no cuddling in our bed on a Saturday morning---no story time upstairs in her bedroom.... I can only imagine how painful it must be to deal with the two little boys especially if there has been behavior between them.... I have had to watch my daughter very close lately due to her brother starting to potty train....and I cannot leave her alone with him even for a moment. It could be easier for me since she is a girl but often I use "At my Side" or a "time in" where if I go to the bathroom she goes too--and she sits on the foot stool for my privacy.... Something that might help you is to keep one of the boys at your side all the time....this way you can control one child and protect him or the other child..... We do this even at family functions or other places during the trends of behavior. I have noticed our daughter acts out in cycles and look for the red-flags. She spends a great deal of time at my side....and this way she is not isolated alone with her own thoughs and actions. We have also sadly had to be more informative then we would have liked to be with a 6-year old about sexual behaviors. The key is to maintain their self esteem while teaching them these things cannot go on....:( Amy I am glad you have found this site the help from others who deal with the same issues can be more then you even expect....It just kills me that so many children are actually suffering from the same horrible things......